Category Archives: Uncategorized


tcafThis past weekend, Alexandre and I attended the TCAF in the Toronto Reference Library. It was great meeting with all our fans, and seeing them laugh at our new, tasty panels; ones included in ‘Definitely, Out To Lunch’. tcaf photo 4




tcaf photo3

We shared a table with fellow cartoonist Rina Piccolo, whose syndicated strip is entitled: ‘Tina’s Groove’ and is hugely popular. I read it daily! She was great fun, and kept Alexandre and I in stitches the whole time.

Thanks to everyone who attended! Hope you’re still laughing…….

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TCAF Festival

Please check out here for more information. Admission is free.

Got Back To School Blues? Try Purple Instead!

color_0301_circlesWell, for most everyone I know that has children, this week will indeed be a hectic one. Why? Well, back to school of course! Gone are the days of loafing in the park staring up at the clouds, or taking in an extra inning ballgame. Now, they’ll be lunches to prepare, supplies to be bought, clothes to be checked for fit and fashion, and for the wee ones, a little extra reassurance that the school they have yet to attend will not swallow them up, and they will indeed safely return home later that same day.

When I was a child I often felt a bit awkward in school because of our families past. It made making friends difficult and I was never allowed anyone over to the house.

But, I still always enjoyed school. When talk of college came up (and which new town we needed to move on to) my parents were very liberal, and decided no ordinary college was right for me.

color_0329_clown_graduationThey assumed, mistakenly, that a B Sc (Bachelor of Studying Clowns) would lead to a very prominent job, as those initials were written into all the want adds of the time as a requirement.

So, off I went – in face paint and baggy pants – and happily completed the highly prestigious 3 year program in just under 7 years!. I graduated ‘Magnum Cum Louder’ as my clothes were outrageously gregarious, my voice loud , and the hair shockingly….purple!!!!

I definitely stood out (at least that’s what the first 95 employers that interviewed me said).

Some told me my skills were outdated (court jesters faded out centuries ago one implied), while others suggested my degree wasn’t worth the macaroni it was printed on.

color_0423_frenchfriesSo, I went back to school to upgrade and perhaps learn a second language. I was the only one to graduate this class because I ended up eating all of the other students. They went well with my burger.

Upon graduation – again – I still had no luck in finding work. It seems no on wanted a bilingual clown. (at least not outside our Canadian Federal government)

So, shifting gears, I entered automotive college but was expelled (driven out?) as every time we crashed into the wall I left face paint on the windshield that took forever to wash off. Also, they said that my baggy pants acted way too much like a natural airbag and defeated the purposes of many of their tests. (They should have mentioned all of the this before I had gotten those weird symbols tattooed on both sides of my head.)

 A fellow classmate instagrammed me this photo of their graduation. Wish I was there.

So, what was a comedic person with numerous degrees to do? Well, I was fortunate enough to bump into another like-minded, and heavily degree,tattoo laiden clown by the name of Alexandre Rouillard.

(see ‘Our story’)

Together, we decided to open this virtual diner; one stocked with fresh jokes, tasty asides, and generous portions. We offer an interesting asylum to experience the usual events of life, unusually.

Bon appetit!



Quoth the Raven, nevermore


For their second record, French-Canadian folk guitar trio Harmonium expanded into a symphonic quintet, adding woodwinds and keyboards to flesh out

Source: Harmonium, ‘Si On Avait Besoin D’Une Cinquieme’ (1975) – 50 Greatest Prog Rock Albums of All Time

Ballpark Mustard Now Available For Your Hotdogs. Seriously!

color_0476_spring_trainingSpring training is over and Major League baseball is back in town! Now all teams begin their race to the pennant and hopefully on to the ‘World Series’. (well, it’s not actually a ‘World’ series; I don’t recall Bulgaria, Tibet, or chilly Iceland ever fielding a team; ditto for Houston)

And, whom may you ask is baseball’s greatest living fan? (zombies don’t count; they use calculators) No it’s not me (Mustard) but rather my creative partner and best friend Alexandre. (Boloney) That’s right!

During the winter months he is in extensive training as he awaits that opening day pitch. He jogs ten milesalexandre baseball photo a day (although he converts it to kilometers which makes it seems even so much more impressive), pumps that iron endlessly (his shirts looks really wrinkle-free), and pours over statistics from the previous season with the eye of an accountant. He even sleeps with a glove on each hand, cupping his balls (autographed) while he sleeps!

Here he is in his Montreal Expo’s jersey. Unfortunately the Expos – like Alexandre’s hair – are long gone from Montreal. He has had to switch and become a long-distance follower of the Toronto Bluejays.





Still he treasures his beloved hometown jersey and wears it always. Who knows, maybe someday Montreal might get another team?



Maybe an owner will leave the city one is his will?

Maybe Alexandre will make so much money doing cartoons that he can afford to start his own team.

Alexandre has tried to rally others to his cause of bringing back a team to his beloved city. Unfortunately, it didn’t go very well. The optics were bad as he and thousands of other die-hard fans waved countless baseball bats as they walked the main thoroughfare demanding acolor_0625_batcave team. I had to use our entire ‘Mustard and Boloney’ reserve fund to bail him out. (we didn’t have enough in the kitty to extricate the bat though)

Last summer Alexandre and his partner Sandy came to Toronto for a visit. While here, they took in several Bluejay games. They loved every minute! But again, there is that problem of optics.


sad baseball playerWhile at the game Alexandre reached out to get an autograph from player Adam Lind. Mr. Lind turned only to see a man in a Montreal uniform (remember, the team doesn’t exist and hasn’t for some time) leaning over with a pad and pen in hand. And, to top it off, while Alexandre was reaching down his new toupee fell off right onto Mr. Lind’s shoulder! The player was so shaken – he even thought he had gone back in time to when the Expos were playing – that he asked to be traded. He now plays for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Thanks for visiting Toronto, Alexandre! Maybe come back in the winter and visit a Maple Leaf hockey game. With any luck you can get the entire team to leave the city!

Time now for that seventh inning stretch. Head out, grab a beer and another hotdog; one generously topped with our comedic mustard! Then settle back in and watch the season as it unfolds. Good luck Toronto. Alexandre is cheering for you all the way from Montreal.

Play ball………..



Our Butts May Be Cold But Our Book Is So Warm. Seriously!

Boloney (Alexandre Rouillard) and I (Jeffrey Caulfield) live in Canada where the winters can be a touch cold; very cold indeed! It doesn’t bother us much as we are used to it but our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ can’t take the chill. So, it’s decided to visit a much warmer climate for a couple of months until the spring returns.

(the guy on the left is not dressed too warm for the cold either. His cheeks are so frosty!)

Our good friend Kathy and her husband took pity on our chilly book so they decided to take it on a grand tour of the American book travels 2south west. Here it is on the back of their RV (it’s hard to make out but those are Arizona license plates.)

I think Kathy was having a bit too much Tequila when she took this out-of-focus picture. Our book looks a bit blurry-eyed as well.

But, our Butt’s (Seriously) book is at least nice and warm. It’s good to see it out enjoying itself on the open road, with the wind rustling through it’s pages as the scenery flies past. Who knows, someone may spot it and want a copy of their own.

(get your copy here)

I do hope if it does fall off the back of their vehicle that it doesn’t land too hard and sit neglected on the interstate.

color_0047_taste_funnyIf it does I can only hope these two characters will scoop it up and take it under their protective wing, as they appear to like good humour.

And our book, ‘Butt Seriously’ is definitely that!

Actually, Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) was kind enough to write the forward to our humorous tome.  (While out on his porch one day he happened to see it fly off of the back of an RV -a different trip – and land in his front yard.) Upon reading it he immediately felt the need to comment on its contents. He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield and Rouillard are the most color_0343_rackshining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time.”

Thanks Dan! (and we’re so glad our book didn’t bounce of off your well-manicured lawn and break a window).

If it did you might have had us put ‘on the rack’.

Of course by doing that would have only meant that our humour would be stretched that much further, and less cartoons would have been needed to be placed into the book. Ha!

book travel to Arizona

As I write this it is snowy and cold outside. But inside I feel warm all over knowing our book is getting a tan on a tablecloth of stars! (plus writing this while sitting in my infrared sauna helps me feel toasty too.) Thanks Kathy!!

So, why not get your own copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously‘ and take it out for a little trip? If you do make sure it’s buckled in good and tight.

And, if camping or hiking our book comes in very handy. You can eat a page a day for that  much-needed humour (and roughage), or use a page a day for un-needed ah, well, you know?

Butt Seriously!!!!!

(get your copy here now)










Resolutions And Your Resolve. Too Early To Tell?


Well 2015 is finally here and with it comes the hope of a great year ahead. (what it doesn’t come with – like most of your Christmas presents – is a money back guarantee should you not like it). And thus far, how many New Year’s eve resolutions have you managed to keep? (out of a dozen or so promised?) As for myself I tend not to make any end of the year resolutions; if I want to change something I just simply do it instead of waiting.

But for most the dawn of a different year brings fresh hope and renewed vigour that their goal(s) can be achieved. No more same old, same old!

Perhaps you’re trying to lose a little weight. Well one could adjust their food intake alone but certainly doing a little exercise will help. It may not feel like heaven doing it but in the end you’ll look and feel so much better.

And, when your friends ask how did you loose those twenty pounds? Simply tell them to ‘go to Hell’. (and don’t forget to smile when you say that)

Shedding unwanted pounds is near the top of many peoples’ resolution list, along with giving up smoking or cutting back on drinking.

Unfortunately it’s one of the first to be tossed aside when one passes the nearest baker, deli place or kid with a chocolate bar in her hand.



At least this deli place requires you to hike a nearby mountain top to get it, so you’ll definitely be working off that pastrami and cheese sandwich. (and everything else you ate for the last five months)


Maybe one of your (non-binding) resolutions was to finally get out of your rut and see more of the world.


Bravo! It’s good to get out from behind that computer screen and actually see all you can see from sea to shining sea.

Now, you don’t have to be extreme in your changes. Maybe simply resolve to walk a different way home after school or work. Volunteer to help others and give back to the community. Or wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. Resolve to think outside the box. Change should always be viewed as a positive.


What’s that you say? You want to change your job completely this year? Then do it right now! It’s never too late to begin a new career. (Print out this cartoon and carry it in your wallet for inspiration.)

Alexandre and I have had several jobs before we opened our Mustard and Boloney cartoon diner. We’ve found that we’re much better at frying up jokes than cookin’ the books.


So, start 2015 off with a bang!  And remember, once you’ve made a change – stick with it. Resolve to make those resolutions stick. (use crazy glue if need be)

Oh, and by-the-way, the milkshake you ordered is ready; the one made with skim milk,  low fat ice cream and artificial sweetener.

Bon Apetite!














‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly!


‘Tis the season to be Jolly! (and for those of you who are not named Jolly, what were your parents thinking anyway?)  Although with a name like Frank, Joan or Samuel I hope you can still have somewhat of a reasonably good time as Christmas is definitely near. (I think it falls on the 25th this year if I’m not mistaken).

And, let’s hope when Santa does drop by your place he leaves more than just this ‘Elfie’ card under your tree.

(note: Santa is lactose intolerant so maybe leave out some almond milk with those – did I mention gluten free? – cookies.)

As well, when you write Santa you may want to include directions to your home because with cutbacks being the way there are he may not make it. Sure, he may have GPS but visiting the entire world on a single battery charge is risky; very risky indeed. At least when he had Rudolph he could slip him a Red Bull or something if fatigue was kicking in.

Oh, and remember to also clean out your chimney. We can’t have the big guy hurt himself or get stuck for any length of time. And please do not have a fire going. Santa’s ‘cheeks’ are rosy enough as it is! (according to Mrs. Clause anyway)



When Santa first arrived on our shores he had only two reindeer with him. (hence for that first Christmas he only visited 5 homes – all on the same street.) But, over the years he accumulated more – horsepower? – and found that nine seemed to be just enough to get the job done.

He did have thousands of reindeer apply but only a handful of those applicants could actually fly. Many said they could get high (aha)  but when push came to shove they simply landed on their backsides when leaving a rooftop.

Oh, many other types of animals applied. In point of fact our red-suited fellow did consider acolor_0239_ski_do species known as ‘Google drone’  but found that people thought they were UFO’s (especially near area 51) and felt that they might suddenly be abducted, and rectal-probed. So, he abandoned that idea.

He also found that monkeys just wanted to party all the time and not actually deliver anything to anyone so they too did not make the final cut.

Rest assured though that Santa is on top of his game. He knows if you’ve been good or bad, happy or sad – or just plain ticked off. (having an off-season part-time job with the NSA really helps)  He’s also got all your information stored on the cloud; one that he flies to twice a week to update his files.

color_0134_thawSo, here’s hoping you get (as Bing Crosby sings) a white Christmas. But, unfortunately with global warming it just might be something a touch different. If it gets any warmer Santa may just have to visit your place in a thong as that suit of his is way too bulky and warm. And those reindeer will undoutedly need shades – a la Blues Brothers – to cut down on the glare.

Happy holidays and be Jolly!

At least for a day. Then go back to using your own name.







What Comes Next After…..Ah, Well…… You Know?


DEATH. Now there’s an attention grabber if I ever wrote one. It’s a fascinating subject and people throughout the ages have often wondered what exactly comes next.

Take this fellow here who clearly feels very optimistic about his afterlife. His idea of heaven definitely involves taking in all those network pay-per-view programs, (ones he could never afford while alive) now for free! And unlimited!! (I’m sure God has access to everything – including HBO and his streaming speeds must be out of this world!) The guy in the coffin can now relax and watch ‘The Walking Dead’ he’s heard so much about. (It would probably royally screw up his day if he  – in fact – turned into said Zombie or went to Hell).

As for me I feel that once it’s over, it’s over. So you’d better enjoy it now while you can.

Why do they call ‘him’ the Grim reaper anyway? It’s not like we ever see his face hidden inside that robe of his. Maybe he’s a happy sort who has things to do just like the rest of us. His job just happens to be a little different, agreed, but hey, somebody’s got to do it. Right? (at least with that robe on he won’t need strength 50 sunblock. We wouldn’t want his bones to be tanned now would we? And, I’m sure he’s wearing a thong under there. Just saying.)

Interestingly in 1934 a film was made entitled: ‘Death Takes A Holiday’. It starred Frederick March (an excellent actor) as the ‘Grim Reaper’ himself. The premise of the picture was that he (Devil) takes on human form for a few days to walk amongst the living to find out why they fear him and dying so much. Duh. He needn’t have gone to all that trouble. He should have simply gotten a paying  job at the NSA and taken it from there.



Friends? Well, I’d say he has a few at least, although I doubt they serf. (Here they’re enjoying a few brews and discussing how a turkey like ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ ever got made.)


When I go I want it to be a joyous occasion; one not marred by the fact I’ll never write another noteworthy or humourous post again. (some readers are probably praying for that right now).

As Woody Allen says, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

I say just pack me in water when my time comes! We began in the sea and back to the sea we go. (although, I can’t swim so I’m liable to drown, again)



Actually when an environmentalist such as myself does eventually go I’ve asked for an eco-friendly burial. This is where you are simply placed into a sack (no chemicals added – especially aspartame) and buried in the forest. Instead of a marker, wildflowers are planted.

Oh, and make sure the remote control is tossed in with me.(it’s in my will)  I wouldn’t want to miss an important game.

As Bill Shankly so aptly said, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.”

You think?