Alexandre and I are extremely proud and excited to have sold an astounding amount of copies of our new book ‘Butt, Seriously’. I have to use all my toes and fingers plus some of Alexandre’s to count that high.
To all of you who bought we give a heartfelt thanks. And, to those that haven’t yet managed to snag a copy we say: Why not? Is a heartfelt thanks not enough? Do you require a kidney too?
Or, are you secretly waiting for the deal of the century?
Well, here it is! Out in the open. THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY!
For a limited time we’re prepared to offer this fabulous deal: Buy one book at the regular price and get an additional copy for only 5 bucks more! You heard – or rather read – that right. You can now get two copies of this humorous tome for only $25. (shipping, handling and taxes included.)
I will also personally hand-sign each and every copy of this collectors item, which contains over 100 of our classic cartoons, and all in full eye-popping colour.
WOW! I say WOW again. Never before has such an offer been written by me and in this blog.
I repeat (especially after Chili night at our house) : Get two copies of our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ for the unheard of price of only $25 dollars. Hey, I’ll even – as this cartoon suggests – throw in a cruise to further sweeten the deal, so long as you pay for the cruise/airfare and all the taxes yourself.
So, get you own copy of the book that Dan Piraro – creator of Bizarro – has been raving about RIGHT HERE by clicking with your mouse thingy. Butt seriously!
Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit in my living room. Why, you ask? (So many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’
I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends. Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric? Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!
(Take notice that my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)
So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).
Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. We dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! Then we all swung from the chandelier. Seriously!
One judge seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down a lot of the time, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later that I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture from the garbage later that night when no one was looking.
I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party in the previous month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein – as I am a vegetarian – instead of injesting so many over-ripe bananas?
I immediately phoned up Alexandre (Boloney) as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen – except maybe with twins – but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy another person’s style. So both cartoons must be the work of just one individual.
“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”
There was a lengthy silence on the phone.
Alexandre finally spoke up and added, “If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person, and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”
An a-peeling thought. If he only knew.
“The Devil made me do it!” became a national catch phrase in the 1970s thanks to Flip Wilson. This great stand-up comedian – whose television show I used to watch weekly – oftentimes dressed up as his alter ego ‘Geraldine’. And the above phrase along with one of his (her) other favourite lines, “The Devil made me buy this dress!” always proved hysterically funny when ‘Flip’ said them on his show. (In fact he won a Grammy award for his album ‘The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress.’)
Yes, I’m sure we all know the story of Lucifer, but what we don’t know is just how big a settlement he received – and, whom did he in fact receive it from? (I mean a fall like the one he undertook probably was worth plenty; more than an amount paid out for just slipping on sidewalk ice I would venture to say.)
Of course his lawyer(s) probably would have eaten away much – if not all – of that settlement amount for services rendered throughout the endless centuries, until there probably wasn’t even enough left for our ‘Prince of Darkness’ to buy clothes, food, suitable lodgings and an extra space heater for his office.
Does the Devil sit around and watch Fox news all day?
Does the Devil think of myriad ways to ‘upgrade’ his status in the world and get more ‘likes’ on his Facebook page?
A great film called ‘The Exorcist‘ (1973) starred a very young actress named Linda Blair, who in the film was supposedly possessed by the Devil.
I remember watching that film and thinking, “Mnnnn. If the Devil likes it so hot all the time (at least my understanding) then why does he make her room so cold?” Could he have grossly miscalculated on his conversion to Celsius? (Maybe learning the metric system would make him a much happier Devil.) Or, does he have an undiagnosed thyroid problem? (In which case a few medications would be just the answer.)
And, as a much happier Devil his health might improve.
With improvement comes a better frame of mind, and possibly inner peace.
Who knows, the Devil then might just move to a city and open up a ‘yoga’ sanctuary. (maybe he already has because who really started this ‘bikram’ trend anyway?)
Odd, I was going to write a post about a completely unrelated matter but as I sat down to compose my fingers typed out this. Why? The Devil made me do it! (I’ve just gotta stop playing that record as well as take a moment to turn down the thermostat a wee bit, and then up with the air conditioning.)
As I get older I tend to look back on some of the choices I’ve made in the past and wonder ‘what was I thinking?’. (Did I really wear platform shoes and polyester suits with bell-bottomed pants? Yes. And actually dance to disco music? Yes again. Did I dare mix peanut butter and chocolate before Reeses was invented? So true)
Is having these thoughts of ‘what if the road I took was a different one would my life be markedly different’ the same for everyone as you age? Do we all have a white John Travolta-type suit hanging in our closets waiting to be worn during that next disco dance to stardom? Or will it simply stay in the closet protected by moth balls, never to be used again? Have I ‘evolved’ or simply gone along for the ride?
Someone once said to me that he was an expert in his chosen field because he had twenty years experience on the job (and with the same company for the entire time).
I was suitably impressed then sat and thought more about that statement a bit. (while I ate a few peanut butter cups in my now chocolate stained white suit.)
What was he really saying?
Was it, “I have twenty year’s experience on the job” or rather, “I have one year’s experience twenty times.”
Had he ‘evolved’ or just remained relatively the same?
Perhaps that is a question that can only be answered by a higher authority than I.(my wife)
Perhaps there is no ‘right’ answer; only ‘lefts’. (and sometimes the odd middle)
Perhaps every bone is connected, and it doesn’t matter what road you take so long as you don’t fall over a rock (or from platform shoes) and break any of them.
Maybe I need to make a list of things that had circumstances been different I might have done.
Maybe I need to actually ‘do’ some of those things on that list. Experience them fully without bumping into, well, you know, the boney guy in the dark robe. (Question: Did ‘Death’ ever have any ‘life’ choices? Just wondering.)
Maybe I need to ‘walk the walk’ and not’ talk the talk’.
Maybe I should check my thesaurus and find another word (s) to use instead of ‘maybe’ all the time.
Life is definitely full of multiple choices.
You say ‘tomehto; I say ‘tomahto’. You say ‘potehto’; I say ‘potahto’.
Everything is relative.
And, speaking of relatives, I wonder what this fish did evolve in to? (maybe me) But, it would have stayed the same had it not left the security of the pond.
So, is it time for a change? Are you ready to leave the warm waters of ‘same old, same old’?
If so, then I humbly suggest you take along some scuba gear. You may occasionally wish to return to your humble beginnings for a bit of familiarity from time-to-time, and to visit those whose road was not as dry and traveled as yours.
Remember, evolution waits for no one. And no one evolves waiting.
Well 2015 is finally here and with it comes the hope of a great year ahead. (what it doesn’t come with – like most of your Christmas presents – is a money back guarantee should you not like it). And thus far, how many New Year’s eve resolutions have you managed to keep? (out of a dozen or so promised?) As for myself I tend not to make any end of the year resolutions; if I want to change something I just simply do it instead of waiting.
But for most the dawn of a different year brings fresh hope and renewed vigour that their goal(s) can be achieved. No more same old, same old!
Perhaps you’re trying to lose a little weight. Well one could adjust their food intake alone but certainly doing a little exercise will help. It may not feel like heaven doing it but in the end you’ll look and feel so much better.
And, when your friends ask how did you loose those twenty pounds? Simply tell them to ‘go to Hell’. (and don’t forget to smile when you say that)
Shedding unwanted pounds is near the top of many peoples’ resolution list, along with giving up smoking or cutting back on drinking.
Unfortunately it’s one of the first to be tossed aside when one passes the nearest baker, deli place or kid with a chocolate bar in her hand.
At least this deli place requires you to hike a nearby mountain top to get it, so you’ll definitely be working off that pastrami and cheese sandwich. (and everything else you ate for the last five months)
Maybe one of your (non-binding) resolutions was to finally get out of your rut and see more of the world.
Bravo! It’s good to get out from behind that computer screen and actually see all you can see from sea to shining sea.
Now, you don’t have to be extreme in your changes. Maybe simply resolve to walk a different way home after school or work. Volunteer to help others and give back to the community. Or wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. Resolve to think outside the box. Change should always be viewed as a positive.
What’s that you say? You want to change your job completely this year? Then do it right now! It’s never too late to begin a new career. (Print out this cartoon and carry it in your wallet for inspiration.)
Alexandre and I have had several jobs before we opened our Mustard and Boloney cartoon diner. We’ve found that we’re much better at frying up jokes than cookin’ the books.
So, start 2015 off with a bang! And remember, once you’ve made a change – stick with it. Resolve to make those resolutions stick. (use crazy glue if need be)
Oh, and by-the-way, the milkshake you ordered is ready; the one made with skim milk, low fat ice cream and artificial sweetener.
DEATH. Now there’s an attention grabber if I ever wrote one. It’s a fascinating subject and people throughout the ages have often wondered what exactly comes next.
Take this fellow here who clearly feels very optimistic about his afterlife. His idea of heaven definitely involves taking in all those network pay-per-view programs, (ones he could never afford while alive) now for free! And unlimited!! (I’m sure God has access to everything – including HBO and his streaming speeds must be out of this world!) The guy in the coffin can now relax and watch ‘The Walking Dead’ he’s heard so much about. (It would probably royally screw up his day if he – in fact – turned into said Zombie or went to Hell).
Why do they call ‘him’ the Grim reaper anyway? It’s not like we ever see his face hidden inside that robe of his. Maybe he’s a happy sort who has things to do just like the rest of us. His job just happens to be a little different, agreed, but hey, somebody’s got to do it. Right? (at least with that robe on he won’t need strength 50 sunblock. We wouldn’t want his bones to be tanned now would we? And, I’m sure he’s wearing a thong under there. Just saying.)
Interestingly in 1934 a film was made entitled: ‘Death Takes A Holiday’. It starred Frederick March (an excellent actor) as the ‘Grim Reaper’ himself. The premise of the picture was that he (Devil) takes on human form for a few days to walk amongst the living to find out why they fear him and dying so much. Duh. He needn’t have gone to all that trouble. He should have simply gotten a paying job at the NSA and taken it from there.
Friends? Well, I’d say he has a few at least, although I doubt they serf. (Here they’re enjoying a few brews and discussing how a turkey like ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ ever got made.)
As Woody Allen says, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”
I say just pack me in water when my time comes! We began in the sea and back to the sea we go. (although, I can’t swim so I’m liable to drown, again)
Actually when an environmentalist such as myself does eventually go I’ve asked for an eco-friendly burial. This is where you are simply placed into a sack (no chemicals added – especially aspartame) and buried in the forest. Instead of a marker, wildflowers are planted.
Oh, and make sure the remote control is tossed in with me.(it’s in my will) I wouldn’t want to miss an important game.
As Bill Shankly so aptly said, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.”