‘Tis the season to be Jolly! (and for those of you who are not named Jolly, what were your parents thinking anyway?) Although with a name like Frank, Joan or Samuel I hope you can still have somewhat of a reasonably good time as Christmas is definitely near. (I think it falls on the 25th this year if I’m not mistaken).
And, let’s hope when Santa does drop by your place he leaves more than just this ‘Elfie’ card under your tree.
(note: Santa is lactose intolerant so maybe leave out some almond milk with those – did I mention gluten free? – cookies.)
As well, when you write Santa you may want to include directions to your home because with cutbacks being the way there are he may not make it. Sure, he may have GPS but visiting the entire world on a single battery charge is risky; very risky indeed. At least when he had Rudolph he could slip him a Red Bull or something if fatigue was kicking in.
Oh, and remember to also clean out your chimney. We can’t have the big guy hurt himself or get stuck for any length of time. And please do not have a fire going. Santa’s ‘cheeks’ are rosy enough as it is! (according to Mrs. Clause anyway)
When Santa first arrived on our shores he had only two reindeer with him. (hence for that first Christmas he only visited 5 homes – all on the same street.) But, over the years he accumulated more – horsepower? – and found that nine seemed to be just enough to get the job done.
He did have thousands of reindeer apply but only a handful of those applicants could actually fly. Many said they could get high (aha) but when push came to shove they simply landed on their backsides when leaving a rooftop.
Oh, many other types of animals applied. In point of fact our red-suited fellow did consider a species known as ‘Google drone’ but found that people thought they were UFO’s (especially near area 51) and felt that they might suddenly be abducted, and rectal-probed. So, he abandoned that idea.
He also found that monkeys just wanted to party all the time and not actually deliver anything to anyone so they too did not make the final cut.
Rest assured though that Santa is on top of his game. He knows if you’ve been good or bad, happy or sad – or just plain ticked off. (having an off-season part-time job with the NSA really helps) He’s also got all your information stored on the cloud; one that he flies to twice a week to update his files.
So, here’s hoping you get (as Bing Crosby sings) a white Christmas. But, unfortunately with global warming it just might be something a touch different. If it gets any warmer Santa may just have to visit your place in a thong as that suit of his is way too bulky and warm. And those reindeer will undoutedly need shades – a la Blues Brothers – to cut down on the glare.
Happy holidays and be Jolly!
At least for a day. Then go back to using your own name.
Good news for all of you comedic lovers out there who wear clothes (and for the ones that don’t we can tattoo the design right onto your chest). Mustard and Boloney now has t-shirts available for sale. That’s right!
These all white mens and women’s t-shirts come in sizes ranging from small to extra, extra-large. And the design is definitely one that will surely attract attention. (especially for all those nudists if it is tattooed onto their chest)
The design is the Statue of Liberty’s aromatic underarm; one about to be wiped fresh with antiperspirants. A classic!
(actually, if you check on our website here you can see an animation of this particular cartoon; one complete with sound-effects)
With Christmas slowly creeping up now is a great time to order several for friends and family. Maybe even get an extra one for old St. Nicholas. (much better than leaving cookies and milk. I mean, what if Santa is lactose and gluten intolerant? What then? We can’t have poor Santa cramping and passing wind in each house he’s visiting now can we?)
There is certainly no better way to impress his reindeer – or Mrs. Claus – than to be seen wearing a Mustard and Boloney original t-shirt under his red suit.
So, order yours (and his) – right here – today!
(Oh, and try not to spill any Mustard on it.)