Author Archives: Jeffrey Caulfield

Mustard Goes Bananas. Seriously!

P1030341Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit in my living room. Why, you ask? (So many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’

I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends. Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric?  Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!

(Take notice that my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)

If you find this a little unusual here is a picture of my wife and I. She goes around dressed like Pancho Villa a good bit of the time now. And, photo (1)she’s even studying Spanish! Oh, no!

So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).

Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. We dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! Then we all swung from the chandelier. Seriously!

One judge seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down a lot of the time, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later that I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture from the garbage later that night when no one was looking.

I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party in the previous month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein – as I am a vegetarian – instead of injesting so many over-ripe bananas?

Notice that the color_0249_nut_freeartistry is unmistakably the same! Yet they were given to me by two different people. Am I crazy or is that even possible? Can two distinct people have the exact same drawing style?

I immediately phoned up Alexandre (Boloney) as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen – except maybe with twins – but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy another person’s style.  So both cartoons must be the work of just one individual.

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“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this  cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”

There was a lengthy silence on the phone.

Alexandre finally spoke up and added, “If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person, and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”

An a-peeling thought. If he only knew.

Bon Appetit!

 

Mustard And Boloney Has Exciting News! Butt Seriously!!

grandopening_GoComics_blogGood news fellow cartoon lovers. Mustard and Boloney’s humorous panels is being syndicated! That’s right!! We have just been picked up by Universal for on-line syndication.

Now, not only can you still enjoy our fresh, tasty entrees here at our cartoon diner, but now you will be able to order take-out from Universal.

Our official launch date is Monday May 25th.

You will be able to find us at: www.gocomics.com.  To begin with we will be featured there every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.

We will be positioned alongside such classics as: Calvin and Hobbs; Doonesbury; Peanuts; Dilbert; Adam@Home, Herman, Pearls Before Swine and Pooch Café.

I do hope you will check out our brand of irreverent humour at the new site. And, don’t forget toMB_logo_round tell all of your friends too!

Again, that’s Monday May 25th at: www.gocomics.com.

As Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) states:

“The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield (Mustard) and Rouillard (Boloney) are the most shining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time.”

Thanks Dan. We love your stuff too.

Again, that’s Monday May 25th at: www.gocomics.com.

avatar_boloney_hatWe look forward to tickling your funny bone not only here with our blog, but with cartoons on GoComics as well.  And if you bring it (funny bone)Avatar_mustard_hat to our front door we’ll tickle it in person.

Bon appetit.

 

The Devil Is In The Details.

“The Devil made me do it!” became a national catch phrase in the 1970s thanks to Flip Wilson. This great stand-up comedian – whose television show I used to watch weekly – oftentimes dressed up as his alter ego ‘Geraldine’. And the above phrase along with one of his (her) other favourite lines, “The Devil made me buy this dress!” always proved hysterically funny when ‘Flip’ said them on his show.  (In fact he won a Grammy award for his album ‘The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress.’)

Yes, I’m sure we all know the story of Lucifer, but what we don’t know is just how big a settlement he received – and, whom did he in fact receive it from? (I mean a fall like the one he undertook probably was worth plenty; more than an amount paid out for just slipping on sidewalk ice I would venture to say.)

Of course his lawyer(s) probably would have eaten away much – if not all – of  that settlement amount for services rendered throughout the endless centuries, until there probably wasn’t even enough left for our ‘Prince of Darkness’ to buy clothes, food, suitable lodgings and an extra space heater for his office.

Does the Devil blame anyone in particular for his lot in life?

Possibly.

Does the Devil sit around and watch Fox news all day?

Maybe.

Does the Devil think of myriad ways to ‘upgrade’ his status in the world and get more ‘likes’ on his Facebook page?

Probably.

A great film called ‘The Exorcist‘ (1973) starred a very young actress named Linda Blair, who in the film was supposedly possessed by the Devil.

I remember watching that film and thinking, “Mnnnn. If the Devil likes it so hot all the time (at least my understanding) then why does he make her room so cold?”  Could he have grossly miscalculated on his conversion to Celsius?  (Maybe learning the metric system would make him a much happier Devil.) Or, does he have an undiagnosed thyroid problem? (In which case a few medications would be just the answer.)

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And, as a much happier Devil his health might improve.

With improvement comes a better frame of mind, and possibly inner peace.

Who knows, the Devil then might just move to a city and open up a ‘yoga’ sanctuary. (maybe he already has because who really started this ‘bikram’ trend anyway?)

Odd, I was going to write a post about a completely unrelated matter but as I sat down to compose my fingers typed out this. Why? The Devil made me do it! (I’ve just gotta stop playing that record as well as take a moment to turn down the thermostat a wee bit, and then up with the air conditioning.)

 

How Is That Evolution Thing Going For You?

color_0015_sameold copie copyAs I get older I tend to look back on some of the choices I’ve made in the past and wonder ‘what was I thinking?’. (Did I really wear platform shoes and polyester suits with bell-bottomed pants? Yes. And actually dance to disco music? Yes again. Did I dare mix peanut butter and chocolate before Reeses was invented? So true)

Is having these thoughts of ‘what if the road I took was a different one would my life be markedly different’ the same for everyone as you age? Do we all have a white John Travolta-type suit hanging in our closets waiting to be worn during that next disco dance to stardom? Or will it simply stay in the closet protected by moth balls, never to be used again? Have I ‘evolved’ or simply gone along for the ride?

Someone once said to me that he was an expert in his chosen field because he had twenty years experience on the job (and with the same company for the entire time).

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I was suitably impressed then sat and thought more about that statement a bit. (while I ate a few peanut butter cups in my now chocolate stained white suit.)

What was he really saying?

Was it, “I have twenty year’s experience on the job” or rather, “I have one year’s experience twenty times.”

Had he ‘evolved’ or just remained relatively the same?

 

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Perhaps that is a question that can only be answered by a higher authority than I.(my wife)

Perhaps there is no ‘right’ answer; only ‘lefts’. (and sometimes the odd middle)

Perhaps every bone is connected, and it doesn’t matter what road you take so long as you don’t fall over a rock (or from platform shoes) and break any of them.

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Maybe I need to make a list of things that had circumstances been different I might have done.

Maybe I need to actually ‘do’ some of those things on that list. Experience them fully without bumping into, well, you know, the boney guy in the dark robe. (Question: Did ‘Death’ ever have any ‘life’ choices? Just wondering.)

Maybe I need to ‘walk the walk’ and not’ talk the talk’.

Maybe I should check my thesaurus and find another word (s)  to use instead of ‘maybe’ all the time.

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Life is definitely full of multiple choices.

You say ‘tomehto; I say ‘tomahto’. You say ‘potehto’; I say ‘potahto’.

Everything is relative.

And, speaking of relatives, I wonder what this fish did evolve in to? (maybe me) But, it would have stayed the same had it not left the security of the pond.

So, is it time for a change? Are you ready to leave the warm waters of ‘same old, same old’?

If so, then I humbly suggest you take along some scuba gear. You may occasionally  wish to return to your humble beginnings for a bit of familiarity from time-to-time, and to visit those whose road was not as dry and traveled as yours.

Remember, evolution waits for no one. And no one evolves waiting.

 

Our Youngest Fans Love Extra Mustard On Their Boloney. Seriously!

April 2014 213This is my granddaughter Maisy. You may remember me speaking about her from several posts back. What a doll! She called me the other day to let me know just how much she enjoyed reading our latest book entitled: Butt Seriously.

She loved it so much that she began passing it around to family and friends. (next time I’ll have to encourage her to ‘sell’ the book to her friends, not loan it out. I need the money to start that college fund!)

Here it is in the hands of her sister Gemma, (another fabulous granddaughter) who is ecstatic to get it. And, why not? it’s packed full of cartoons – over 100gemma and our book of them – for any and all ages.

Actually, I believe when Gemma was born the doctor was reading a copy and as he was laughing so hard when she entered the world I know Gemma will grow up to have an excellent sense of humour. ( he also slapped her bottom using our book instead of the usual hand slap hence she ‘giggled’.) And she’s never looked back.

As you can see the book in her hand has been DSC_1663 (1)well-traveled and seen better days meaning many have enjoyed its humour! (I believe even the family dog glanced through it and tried to bury it for future generations to dig up and enjoy.)

With that in mind Gemma requested a new copy – one without dog ‘spittle’ on it. I gave her one and here she is having just finished reading it cover-to-cover. And check out that happy smile! (another satisfied customer)

And, you may ask, what was her favourite cartoon? She said she just loved the one on page 8. (now you’ll have to get your own copy to see her preferred panel.) 10981211_10155254717085521_8208557309679377914_n

Here are my two little princesses discussing the book amongst themselves, and reliving their joy at having feasted at a banquet of hilarious jokes. I’ll bet they are discussing each and every panel in detail.

That gives me an idea for a cartoon! I’m jotting the idea down right now. (don’t tell them that they inspired it or they may want royalties of some sort) I think I’ll just give them all the mustard and bologne they can eat and let it go at that)

And, maybe another free book.

(okay two free ones.)

 

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Here it is! A cartoon fit for not one but two princesses.

(I especially like the ‘no coaches’ sign in front of the store)

And, although you can’t see it she is wearing glass slippers under her dress.

And, in her giant handbag she has, of course,  a copy of our book. (she’s probably taking it into the print place to run off illegal copies. Mnnnn.)

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Thanks Maisy and Gemma for all your inspiration and kind words about our latest book.

If you two ladies have any ideas you’d like me to work on then jot them down and hand them over. I will give you full credit, of course.

Keep on smiling. Your grandpa loves you both!!!

Butt Seriously…………….

(get your own copy of our book here. I personally sign each purchase and mail for it to you for free.)

 

Ballpark Mustard Now Available For Your Hotdogs. Seriously!

color_0476_spring_trainingSpring training is over and Major League baseball is back in town! Now all teams begin their race to the pennant and hopefully on to the ‘World Series’. (well, it’s not actually a ‘World’ series; I don’t recall Bulgaria, Tibet, or chilly Iceland ever fielding a team; ditto for Houston)

And, whom may you ask is baseball’s greatest living fan? (zombies don’t count; they use calculators) No it’s not me (Mustard) but rather my creative partner and best friend Alexandre. (Boloney) That’s right!

During the winter months he is in extensive training as he awaits that opening day pitch. He jogs ten milesalexandre baseball photo a day (although he converts it to kilometers which makes it seems even so much more impressive), pumps that iron endlessly (his shirts looks really wrinkle-free), and pours over statistics from the previous season with the eye of an accountant. He even sleeps with a glove on each hand, cupping his balls (autographed) while he sleeps!

Here he is in his Montreal Expo’s jersey. Unfortunately the Expos – like Alexandre’s hair – are long gone from Montreal. He has had to switch and become a long-distance follower of the Toronto Bluejays.

Boloney

 

 

 

Still he treasures his beloved hometown jersey and wears it always. Who knows, maybe someday Montreal might get another team?

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Maybe an owner will leave the city one is his will?

Maybe Alexandre will make so much money doing cartoons that he can afford to start his own team.

Alexandre has tried to rally others to his cause of bringing back a team to his beloved city. Unfortunately, it didn’t go very well. The optics were bad as he and thousands of other die-hard fans waved countless baseball bats as they walked the main thoroughfare demanding acolor_0625_batcave team. I had to use our entire ‘Mustard and Boloney’ reserve fund to bail him out. (we didn’t have enough in the kitty to extricate the bat though)

Last summer Alexandre and his partner Sandy came to Toronto for a visit. While here, they took in several Bluejay games. They loved every minute! But again, there is that problem of optics.

 

sad baseball playerWhile at the game Alexandre reached out to get an autograph from player Adam Lind. Mr. Lind turned only to see a man in a Montreal uniform (remember, the team doesn’t exist and hasn’t for some time) leaning over with a pad and pen in hand. And, to top it off, while Alexandre was reaching down his new toupee fell off right onto Mr. Lind’s shoulder! The player was so shaken – he even thought he had gone back in time to when the Expos were playing – that he asked to be traded. He now plays for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Thanks for visiting Toronto, Alexandre! Maybe come back in the winter and visit a Maple Leaf hockey game. With any luck you can get the entire team to leave the city!

Time now for that seventh inning stretch. Head out, grab a beer and another hotdog; one generously topped with our comedic mustard! Then settle back in and watch the season as it unfolds. Good luck Toronto. Alexandre is cheering for you all the way from Montreal.

Play ball………..

 

 

Laughter Is Your Lips Jogging. So Go For A Run!

Avatar_mustard_hatSales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather.)

 

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Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!

If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.

(and read our book)

If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of marble cheese.

(and read our book)

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both those houses and tear down that fence!

(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)

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Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like:  your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (actually, I would infinitely prefer the plaque over Kim’s recitation of the immortal ‘Bard’s’ words.)

Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? (or take up juggling.)

 

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So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!

Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?

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But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.

 

 

 

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So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. I’ve also been told it’s a great source of much needed roughage as well. (better than bran.)

By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.

(and isn’t that definitely better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)

Bon appetit!

(get your copy of our book here; I hand-sign every copy ordered!)

 

 

Mustard And Boloney Create A Timeless Classic (So They Say)

When a buzzard’s stomach growls for food it eats. When thirsty, it drinks. When it wants to view rotting, rancid television it watches ‘Fox’ news.

But, what’s a bird to do when hungry for humour? Well, our friend could eat a dead clown but one must be careful as eating too much of a decaying comedic carcass can lead to explosive laughing gas, the kind accompanied by the potent whiff of unwashed socks; ones mixed with the pungent stand-up humour of Michael Richards.

No, I feel that for all ones gourmet needs, the buzzard – and those people that just think they’re buzzards – need look no further than our new book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’.

The meat of ‘Butt Seriously’ is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects are drawn upon to create the delicious – and highly nutritious – ‘aha’ moment. (I’ve eaten ‘aha’ and it especially tastes great when seasoned with curry) Thinking outside the icebox is definitely mandatory, and some panels may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So, that’s what it all means.”  (by reading this blog upside-down can also lead to fresh insights. Go ahead, try it now.)color_0449_rodin

Dan Piraro, creator of Bizarro (www.bizarro.com) kindly offered to write the forward to our book.

He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield (Mustard) and Rouillard (Boloney) are the most shining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time. In a word what they’ve created here is elite.”

Thanks Dan! You made us both cry tears of joy at reading your eloquent words. (next time though, please send them to us in sentence form; it took us several days to piece it all together; kinda like piecing together a ransom note from old magazines)  FYI: Bizarro’s copy of ‘Butt Seriously’  is hand-signed – in blood – of course.  I say ‘of course’ as it’s perfectly normal for a cartoonist to request an unusual offering for writing a forward. (Blood is at least a step down from his initial request for our souls; shades of ‘Phantom of the Paradise’ (film from 1974)

color_0048_budgieSo, when hungry for humour look no further than our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’,  where every single cartoon panel is guaranteed to fill you with your daily allotment of smiles, belly-roars and well, maybe the occasional laughing gas, but at least minus the indigestion, calories, and blood-pressure inducing salt!

Order your own copy today, and maybe one extra one for your friendly neighbourhood bird or un-feathered relative.

Bon appetit!

All Aboard! We Set Sail In An Hour. Seriously!

Cruising is big business; really big business. In fact two of the largest cruise ships in the world (Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas) hold a staggering 6,296 people each! (not including crew) That means, for example, that the entire town of Pauls Valley in Oklahoma (population 6,187) can rent the entire boat and cruise the Caribbean all by themselves. (of course by doing this they would have to bring in outsiders to watch their pets.) If you have never been on a cruise I would whole-heartedly recommend it. Just be careful as to the cruise line you choose. My wife and I somewhat enjoyed our cruising experience several years ago but if we had to do it over again we would choose a more ‘established’ line; one that actually included meals and the mandatory rest-periods per hour as required by international law. Still it was nice having the salt-water spray in your face (to revive you once you passed out) and the nice ocean breezes blowing through your tattered rags. And wifi….forget it! (although they did have a guy come in at night and do shadow puppets on the wall for entertainment; or maybe it was a woman, I’m not sure. This person was always introduced as ‘Ben-Her’).

I imagine cruises in the olden days were a bit more of an adventure. No swimming pools, no saunas, no staff, no massages, no chocolates left under your pillow at night, and definitely no ‘live’ entertainment! Sometimes you probably didn’t even know where you’d end up, just going where the wind might take you.

Back then – as now – you did have to be careful about pirates coming on board, stealing your valuables, and maybe even taking you to a place you really, really  don’tcolor_0271_pirate want to go (i.e. Stephen Harper’s house or an Adam Sandler film retrospective; both so not funny)

When it comes to cruises timing is essential. If you are late they do not wait. The ship sails without you. Also, if your luggage doesn’t arrive it leaves the harbour without them. (this actually happened to us on our cruise. I had to wear the same pair of underwear for a week! Thank heavens I ate allot of cheese beforehand to minimize the risk.)

All-in-all cruising is great as you never know who – or what – you’ll meet.

Now that I think about it I imagine the first cruise ever was the one made by Noah. It was a rather lengthy cruise with the ship filled to the brim with livestock.

And for those that missed his voyage (i.e. unicorns or anyone who works for Fox news; they always seem to miss the boat) well, they  were never to be seen or heard from again.

Geez, you wonder with a record like that how did cruises ever survive the centuries and thrive? They must have great public relations; either that or great lawyers. Or, someone with allot of pull at the top.