Category Archives: school

Got Back To School Blues? Try Purple Instead!

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color_0301_circlesWell, for most everyone I know that has children, this week will indeed be a hectic one. Why? Well, back to school of course! Gone are the days of loafing in the park staring up at the clouds, or taking in an extra inning ballgame. Now, they’ll be lunches to prepare, supplies to be bought, clothes to be checked for fit and fashion, and for the wee ones, a little extra reassurance that the school they have yet to attend will not swallow them up, and they will indeed safely return home later that same day.

When I was a child I often felt a bit awkward in school because of our families past. It made making friends difficult and I was never allowed anyone over to the house.

But, I still always enjoyed school. When talk of college came up (and which new town we needed to move on to) my parents were very liberal, and decided no ordinary college was right for me.

color_0329_clown_graduationThey assumed, mistakenly, that a B Sc (Bachelor of Studying Clowns) would lead to a very prominent job, as those initials were written into all the want adds of the time as a requirement.

So, off I went – in face paint and baggy pants – and happily completed the highly prestigious 3 year program in just under 7 years!. I graduated ‘Magnum Cum Louder’ as my clothes were outrageously gregarious, my voice loud , and the hair shockingly….purple!!!!

I definitely stood out (at least that’s what the first 95 employers that interviewed me said).

Some told me my skills were outdated (court jesters faded out centuries ago one implied), while others suggested my degree wasn’t worth the macaroni it was printed on.

color_0423_frenchfriesSo, I went back to school to upgrade and perhaps learn a second language. I was the only one to graduate this class because I ended up eating all of the other students. They went well with my burger.

Upon graduation – again – I still had no luck in finding work. It seems no on wanted a bilingual clown. (at least not outside our Canadian Federal government)

So, shifting gears, I entered automotive college but was expelled (driven out?) as every time we crashed into the wall I left face paint on the windshield that took forever to wash off. Also, they said that my baggy pants acted way too much like a natural airbag and defeated the purposes of many of their tests. (They should have mentioned all of the this before I had gotten those weird symbols tattooed on both sides of my head.)

 A fellow classmate instagrammed me this photo of their graduation. Wish I was there.

So, what was a comedic person with numerous degrees to do? Well, I was fortunate enough to bump into another like-minded, and heavily degree,tattoo laiden clown by the name of Alexandre Rouillard.

(see ‘Our story’)

Together, we decided to open this virtual diner; one stocked with fresh jokes, tasty asides, and generous portions. We offer an interesting asylum to experience the usual events of life, unusually.

Bon appetit!

 

 

Boloney Illustrates New Children’s Book. Seriously!

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Lulupop

There is exciting news here at Mustard and Boloney’s cartoon diner! Alexandre Rouillard (Boloney) has just completed illustrating a brand new children’s book called: Lulupop, Pants! No Chance! 

And, I have been privileged enough to receive an advance copy. I can honestly say that the story is strong and of course Alexandre’s artistry – as always – is impeccable. His style is a departure from our usual offerings here on our comedic diner but then it needs to be, as the book is designed for, well, why not let the author herself describe it? Take it away Susan Lanyi.

Pants! No Chance! is a picture book directed at preschool and primary school children.  The story focuses on Lulupop, a girl who simply loves dresses and does not like wearing pants.  Lulupop and her mother struggle daily but Lulupop is a feisty heroine with a mind of her own and she insists on wearing dresses no matter what the situation.  Through her own personal experience Lulupop eventually understands in particular situations it is more sensible to wear pants.

Lulupop

The inspiration for the main character Lulupop and “Pants! No Chance!” was Susan Lanyi’s three year-old daughter Leah who always wanted to wear dresses.   Susan believed that she was not the only one living this battle with her preschooler.  Other parents must have had similar experiences.  Thus the idea for Pants! No Chance! was born.

 

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Thanks Susan for visiting our diner and bringing this book to our attention.  And, Alexandre Rouillard’s stunning water-colors certainly have brought life and breath to Lulupop the “Girl Who Loves Dresses.”

maisey in red dressThanks Susan. I already know of one young person I will make sure gets a copy, and that’s my granddaughter Maisey. (who loves dresses as well).

To order your own copy of this great children’s’ book visit:

Domnizelles

 

Press

Domnizelles

 

Mademoiselle Jules

 

 

iRead Book Tours

 

Books, Bargains, Blessing

 

Are You Seeing Double? Yes, You Are!

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Our book coverAlexandre and I are extremely proud and excited to have sold an astounding amount of copies of our new book ‘Butt, Seriously’. I have to use all my toes and fingers plus some of Alexandre’s  to count that high.

To all of you who bought we give a heartfelt thanks. And, to those that haven’t yet managed to snag a copy we say: Why not? Is a heartfelt thanks not enough? Do you require a kidney too?

Or, are you secretly waiting for the deal of the century?

Well, here it is! Out in the open. THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY!

For a limited time we’re prepared to offer this fabulous deal: Buy one book at the regular price and get an additional copy for only 5 bucks more! You heard – or rather read – that right. You can now get two copies of this humorous tome for only $25. (shipping, handling and taxes included.)

I will also personally hand-sign each and every copy of this collectors item, which contains over 100 of our classic cartoons, and all in full eye-popping colour.

WOW! I say WOW again. Never before has such an offer been written by me and in this blog.

I repeat (especially after Chili night at our house) : Get two copies of our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ for the unheard of price of only $25 dollars. Hey, I’ll even  – as this cartoon suggests – throw in a cruise to further sweeten the deal, so long as you pay for the cruise/airfare and all the taxes yourself.

So, get you own copy of the book that Dan Piraro – creator of Bizarro – has been raving about  RIGHT HERE by clicking with your mouse thingy. Butt seriously!

 

 

Pass The Buttered Popcorn. It’s Showtime!

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Movies have always been a love of mine. My major in University was film and I  was fortunate enough to win the coveted ‘President’s Prize’ for screenwriting. (Actually that script was later produced into a full-length feature which aired on pay television almost 100 times!) The film was entitled: The Night Watchman’. (Read review here.)

 

Naturally, every film, movie star, director, make-up artist, screenwriter etc.  can lend itself to a little ribbing. (even the odd toe-tickling) And, we here at Mustard and Boloney are certainly good at that. So strip off your socks and shoes, and let me feather those tootsies with a

color_0296_hannibalhumorous ride through the world of entertainment!

But, before we begin, I need a little snack. Perhaps I should try the interesting recipe our friend here is promoting. Although as I am a vegetarian would eating a brain be classified as eating meat, even if it’s my own brain? And, how can I possibly answer that if I have no brain?

Maybe I should ask this fellow if he has any insight into the issue. (he told me to buy his book should I seek  the answers. To that I said, “I’ll be back”; to which I thought I heard him reply, “No problemo”.)

Speaking of brains, in this film those involved seek out the mighty Wizard to get – of all things – a brain for our poor scarecrow. (Apparently one made of straw just doesn’t cut it, unless your color_0284_oz_state_lineStephen Harper.)

Seems to me the others in that film were looking for a heart, some courage and a way to get home. (yep, Harper again)

In addition to the course on gourmet cooking I decided to check out some on philosophy but I had trouble doing my

assignments as the kid I shared a room with seemed to like be a little off, you know what I mean? He kept mentioning the word ‘wizard’ all the time but never in connection with the Land Of Oz. (Although he did have an imaginary dog he called ‘Toe, Toe’.) I say this because he was always looking down at those shoeless, sockless feet saying, “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!” Interesting.)

I think deep down he really wanted to be a tap dancer. (Only trouble was he kept falling of the sink.) Well, time to put away my cartoons for the day and settle in to watch a movie. Which one shall it be? Tough choice as there are so many great ones. How be I just flip through the stations to see what I can stream. Maybe movies are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get, especially if you don’t have a tv guide.

Got a favourite film you’d like us to poke fun at? Let me know what it is and we’ll see what we can do. Make me an offer I can’t refuse.

 

 

 

Mustard and Boloney Make Amends. But Seriously!

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color_0154_fowl_moodWell, dear readers, you’ll recall that in last weeks post I talked about my granddaughter Maisy, and how she just loved reading Mustard and Boloney’s latest book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’. She loved it so much! In fact she’s ordered several more copies for friends at her day school. But, there was one thing that displeased her in that post. It was the line in which I referred to both of us needing to change our diapers before gazing at more cartoons. I wrote it as a sort of tongue-in-cheek bit of fun (me old; she young) but, well, she was not amused.

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April 2014 211 (1)

 

She called me up and mentioned that as she is now three she hasn’t in fact worn diapers in a very long time. I explained my reasoning and that our fans loved the post. Silence crept through the phone. “I appreciate your humour Grandpa and although witty – I too smiled for a moment –  it was not entirely accurate as to my current bathroom needs.” (are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?) “Oh. ah, what can I do to make it up to you,” I asked. Silence again then, “I’ll think on it, but keep an eye on your inbox”. Then the phone went dead. I immediately went out and meditated trying to remain calm. (Breathe Mustard. Breathe.)

issac maisey and gemmaUpon returning home later – and feeling a touch more relaxed – I found this in my in box with a note saying, “Here is a picture of myself, my older brother (Isaac) and my younger sister (Gemma). As you can clearly see Gemma is the one needing diapers. If you could post this I would appreciate it”

Whew! Post a picture? I can do that. (I was worried she’d cancel her order for our books and maybe demand a kidney.)

I waited a day or so before calling her up to say that I had received the family picture, and it will definitely appear in my next post. Silence.  Uh-oh, My heart skipped a beat. “Did you not open the other attachment to my message?” “Ah, no”, I sheepishly replied. More silence then “Just kidding gramps! Ha!! I had you going there, huh?” (She’ll never know just how close I came to using my home defibrillator.)

“I love you Maisy. You’re my special wee girl.” Silence again. (Thank heavens I didn’t power down the unit.) “Ah, gramps, are you talking about me having to wee wee again.”

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“Heavens no,” I replied,

“it’s a Scottish term (as I am Scottish) that my mom used to use in place of the word ‘little’. You’re my special little granddaughter.”

“I’ll call you back, but first I need to check something in the dictionary.” With that, she hung up.

I instantly called my analyst to see is he could fit me in right away. (I should probably put him on speed dial.) I booked several hours for the following day.

Being a grandparent certainly keeps one on their toes. Uh, oh, is that my cell phone I hear April 2014 213ringing…………

(get your own copy of ‘Butt Seriously’ right here)

 

 

 

Mustard And Boloney’s Humour Spans The Ages. Any Age.

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maisey in red dress

This is my granddaughter Maisy (who incidentally just turned three). Notice the happy and ebullient smile! That’s because she just finished reading our latest – and greatest – Mustard and Boloney cartoon book entitled ‘Butt Seriously’. And she just loved it!! ( She sat on her butt the whole time while reading it. Unbelievable.)

 

She also told me that she just can’t wait for the sequel. (As for me, I can’t wait until she gets a job to be able to actually ‘pay’ for a book. Just kidding! All grandkids get one for free; they simply pay for shipping and handling. And since she lives in the Caribbean and I live in Canada that’s going to add up!)

MaIsy especially liked this particular cartoon. (She herself has an innie and if you poke it she giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy.)

She also drew this cartoon to my attention and asked me what it meant. I said if you have to ask what it means then you aren’t in ‘the club’. She said, if you’re referring to Mensa I get it. I just don’t know why you’re using an antiquated train example. Wouldn’t something along the lines of Quantum Physics have worked better and delivered a much bigger laugh for the reader?

(Geez, okay you’re shipping is free.)

I think my mistake was in getting her all those Albert Einstein books to read when she was April 2014 213younger and not that baby Einstein stuff her parents asked for. Who knew?

(I should have known something was up when she asked to see the film ‘The Theory of Everything’ , a film about Stephen Hawkin, as opposed to viewing ‘Paddington Bear.)

Maisy, while wearing her leopard pjamas and purple boa, pointed out to me this particular cartoon and said, “Quality work, gramps.”

Of course, since I’m old (ish), and my hearing being not as sharp as it once was, I thought she said ‘I can’t work, cramps’ . I quickly said it’s probably due to a lack of fiber, and suggested she eat more bran with flax.

She smiled at this, gave me a big hug then said “You’re crazy.”  I said, “No, you’re Maisy; not me. She laughed out loud then poked at my ‘outtie’ belly button. I giggled. What a doll!

We each then went and changed our respective diapers before continuing to analyze further the maisey and friendhumour of Mustard and Boloney.

Ah, to be young again.

Or, when dissecting Mustard and Boloney’s humour it’s good to be Jung again.

Get you copy of our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’ here.

Bon Appetit!

maisey and gemma

 

 

 

 

Resolutions And Your Resolve. Too Early To Tell?

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Well 2015 is finally here and with it comes the hope of a great year ahead. (what it doesn’t come with – like most of your Christmas presents – is a money back guarantee should you not like it). And thus far, how many New Year’s eve resolutions have you managed to keep? (out of a dozen or so promised?) As for myself I tend not to make any end of the year resolutions; if I want to change something I just simply do it instead of waiting.

But for most the dawn of a different year brings fresh hope and renewed vigour that their goal(s) can be achieved. No more same old, same old!

Perhaps you’re trying to lose a little weight. Well one could adjust their food intake alone but certainly doing a little exercise will help. It may not feel like heaven doing it but in the end you’ll look and feel so much better.

And, when your friends ask how did you loose those twenty pounds? Simply tell them to ‘go to Hell’. (and don’t forget to smile when you say that)

Shedding unwanted pounds is near the top of many peoples’ resolution list, along with giving up smoking or cutting back on drinking.

Unfortunately it’s one of the first to be tossed aside when one passes the nearest baker, deli place or kid with a chocolate bar in her hand.

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At least this deli place requires you to hike a nearby mountain top to get it, so you’ll definitely be working off that pastrami and cheese sandwich. (and everything else you ate for the last five months)

 

Maybe one of your (non-binding) resolutions was to finally get out of your rut and see more of the world.

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Bravo! It’s good to get out from behind that computer screen and actually see all you can see from sea to shining sea.

Now, you don’t have to be extreme in your changes. Maybe simply resolve to walk a different way home after school or work. Volunteer to help others and give back to the community. Or wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. Resolve to think outside the box. Change should always be viewed as a positive.

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What’s that you say? You want to change your job completely this year? Then do it right now! It’s never too late to begin a new career. (Print out this cartoon and carry it in your wallet for inspiration.)

Alexandre and I have had several jobs before we opened our Mustard and Boloney cartoon diner. We’ve found that we’re much better at frying up jokes than cookin’ the books.

 

So, start 2015 off with a bang!  And remember, once you’ve made a change – stick with it. Resolve to make those resolutions stick. (use crazy glue if need be)

Oh, and by-the-way, the milkshake you ordered is ready; the one made with skim milk,  low fat ice cream and artificial sweetener.

Bon Apetite!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Education, In The First Degree

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color_0301_circles

There was an interesting movie that I once saw on television; one that made me think allot about education versus experience. The film? It was titled “Teacher’s Pet”. Made in 1958, it starred Clark Gable, Doris Day and Gig Young. I remember seeing it before I went into university. The one line from the film that stuck with me was, “Education is the horse; experience, the jockey.”

Nowadays, it seems that just about everyone needs a degree in something just to get into any entry level position with a company. No longer can you not even obtain a high school education and still manage to find work. Everything seems so highly skilled in today’s market. And, of course, you must attend the best schools! (whatever they may be.) But, education is increasing unaffordable for all, and sometimes the professors they color_0296_hannibalhire at these institutions leave much to be desired.

 

I feel that quality education is the one thing that should be provided to all for free. Knowledge opens up more doors than it closes. Sure, they have been success stories of those who have not finished a so-called ‘formal education’. Some notable people include: Steve Jobs (Apple), Bill Gates (Microsoft), David Karp (creator of Tumblr), Richard Branson (CEO of Virgin), Quentin Tarantino (writer/director of Reservoir Dogs), and Peter Jackson (writer/director of ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy).

 

This is not to say that one can’t go back to school at a later time should one wish. I myself started university when I was 29 years old. I had worked for many years in radio but felt I needed a change. Sure it may be daunting to return – as high school was so long ago –  but exciting at the same time!

Campus life is also an interesting one. You’ll certainly meet interesting people, engage in new ideas with professors, and ponder some of life’s larger questions with peers. Questions such as: ‘Why do hotdogs color_0342_picome in a pack of 12 while the buns only come in a pack of 8?’. (course needed to decipher answer: ‘Rocket Science’.)

Or: why does the mother of Honey Boo Boo date a man of such dubious credentials? (course needed: psychology 101, 201, 301 and so on -including a masters)

Or ‘what does this cartoon actually mean?’ (course needed: all of them!)

 

 

color_0329_clown_graduation So, no matter what your choice of school is try to keep it fun. Learning should not be dry and boring but alive and electric!

And, if it’s not exciting and informative then I suggest you dress up like these fellows and walk into class. Sure you’ll make heads turn but once you’ve mastered the art of ‘pie throwing’ or ‘wearing that false nose’ they will all envy and respect you.  If they don’t then pour seltzer water down the professor’s pants. This will at least get you noticed and possibly put on the ‘dean’s list’. And, from there, well…who knows! Is doesn’t matter when you start your educational journey just so long as you start. So climb that horse and take charge!

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”

Nelson Mandela

 

 

 

 

 

Fall Is In The Air

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October is a great time of the year here in Canada.  Not only is it the month I was born in but it’s also the time when cooler temperatures settle in, trees change colour almost overnight (before dropping their crimson red or amber leaves to the forest floor) and thoughts of Thanksgiving dinner with family fills ones heart and mind.

 

But, other thoughts crowd in too because as Fall creeps in summer unfortunately peters out – and with it the heat! No longer can one wear plaid shorts, a tank top and sandals.  And, most certainly wearing no clothes at all is definitely out of the question! (Sweaters and jackets are the new order of the day.)

Naturally, as the weather changes one can no more indulge in some of the more ‘warm

color_0071_golf_frankensteinweather’ sports.

(I’d say this fellows handicap is off the charts!)

Those other notable companions that make up his foursome include: Dracula, The Werewolf and of course, The Mummy. (Dracula, rumour has it, is a lousy golf partner, as he apparently sucks the ‘life’ out of any game he’s in. Although, when you think about it, his partners are all already dead anyway.)

Also, as the temperature outside dips so does one ‘stop dipping’ because it’s too darn cold!.

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(One could of course go to an indoor pool but then one wouldn’t get a tan now would they? Nor could you watch the traffic fly past as you’re speeding down the highway in the fast lane while floating on an inflatable chair, drink in hand, so above it all in your Google self-driving  car.)

 

 

 

The Fall also brings with it a student’s quest for higher learning, as Colleges and Universities

color_0012_prizzonopen up their campuses to the inquiring mind.

 

 

(the tuition they charge at this institution is so astronomically high it should be considered criminal)

 

 

 

 

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So, I say get out now and enjoy the crisp autumn weather while you can, because soon enough old man winter will not only be breathing down your neck but also up through the back ‘trap door’ of your long johns. Brrrrrrrrrr.

Bring me a steaming cup of hot chocolate and let me warm my toes by a cozy wood fire!

*****************************CONTEST SOLVED*********************************

Well, it seems we have some very sharp movie buffs out there as we have our winners! They are: Beth, Kyle and Macs. (There are 3 winners because two of them arrived in my in-box at the same time so to be fair I’ll send them each a book.)

Others that were kind enough to enter (and did correctly guess the right answer) were: Fred, Michael, David, Howard and Scott! (And, I’m sure more will be in my in box next time I check.) Thanks to all.  And thanks for visiting our Mustard and Boloney diner for all your comedic calories for the day.

And yes, the film is ‘Citizen Kane’ (a favourite). Only in our version it’s ‘Citizen Crane’. Ha!

And a special thanks again to Dan Piraro (Bizarro) for mentioning us on his blog. He also guessed the right answer to our contest but he already has a book – as he is the one who wrote the forward to it! (he is also a great movie buff like me.)

*****************************BONUS*********************************************Note: I am still received correct answers to the contest and that is so great to know how many of you are into classic films. As an extra bonus for those of you that purchase a book (through Paypal) from our site, I will personally hand-sign your copy. I’ll even do it in black ink…of course!

Back To School Blues. Or Greens. Or Reds. But Purple?

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color_0301_circlesWell, for most everyone I know that has children last week was indeed a hectic one. Why? Well, back to school of course! Gone are the days of loafing in the park staring up at the clouds,  or taking in a extra inning ballgame. Now, there were lunches to prepare, supplies to be bought, clothes to be checked for fit and fashion, and for the wee ones, a little extra reassurance that the school they had yet to attend would not swallow them up, and they would indeed safely return home later that same day.

 

When I was a child I often felt a bit awkward in school because of our families past. It made making friends difficult and I was never allowed anyone over to the house. color_0122_witlessBut, I still always enjoyed school. When talk of college came up (and which new town we needed to move to) my parents were very liberal and decided no ordinary college was right for me.

color_0329_clown_graduationThey assumed (mistakenly) that a B Sc (Bachelor of Studying Clowns) would lead to a very prominent job, as those initials were written into all the want adds of the time as a requirement.

So, off I went – in face paint and baggy pants – and happily completed the highly prestigious 3 year program (in just under 7 years!). I graduated ‘Magnum Cum Louder’ as my clothes were outragiously gregarious, my voice loud , and the hair shockingly….purple!!!!

I definitely stood out (at least that’s what the first 95 employers that interviewed me said)

Some told me my skills were outdated (court jesters faded out centuries ago one implied), while others suggested my degree wasn’t worth the macaroni it was printed on.

color_0423_frenchfriesSo, I went back to school to upgrade and perhaps learn a second language. (I was the only one to graduate this class because I ended up eating all of the other students. They went well with my burger)

 

Upon graduation – again – I still had no luck in finding work. It seems no on wanted a bilingual clown. (at least not outside government)

 

So, shifting gears, I entered automotive college but was expelled (driven out?) as every time we crashed into the wall I left face paint on the windshield (that took forever to wash off.) Also, they said that my baggy pants acted way too much like a natural airbag and defeated the purposes of many of their tests. (They should have mentioned all of the this before I had gotten those weird symbols tattooed on both sides of my head)

color_0129_campus_dummy (a fellow classmate instagrammed me this photo of their graduation.)

So, what was a comedic person with numerous degrees to do? Well, I was fortunate enough to bump into another like-minded (heavily degree-tattoo laiden) clown by the name of Alexandre Rouillard.

(see ‘Our story’)

Together, we decided to open this virtual diner; one stocked with fresh jokes, tasty asides, and generous portions. We offer an interesting asylum to experience the usual events of life, unusually.

Bon appetit!

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