Our Youngest Fans Love Extra Mustard On Their Boloney. Seriously!

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April 2014 213This is my granddaughter Maisy. You may remember me speaking about her from several posts back. What a doll! She called me the other day to let me know just how much she enjoyed reading our latest book entitled: Butt Seriously.

She loved it so much that she began passing it around to family and friends. (next time I’ll have to encourage her to ‘sell’ the book to her friends, not loan it out. I need the money to start that college fund!)

Here it is in the hands of her sister Gemma, (another fabulous granddaughter) who is ecstatic to get it. And, why not? it’s packed full of cartoons – over 100gemma and our book of them – for any and all ages.

Actually, I believe when Gemma was born the doctor was reading a copy and as he was laughing so hard when she entered the world I know Gemma will grow up to have an excellent sense of humour. ( he also slapped her bottom using our book instead of the usual hand slap hence she ‘giggled’.) And she’s never looked back.

As you can see the book in her hand has been DSC_1663 (1)well-traveled and seen better days meaning many have enjoyed its humour! (I believe even the family dog glanced through it and tried to bury it for future generations to dig up and enjoy.)

With that in mind Gemma requested a new copy – one without dog ‘spittle’ on it. I gave her one and here she is having just finished reading it cover-to-cover. And check out that happy smile! (another satisfied customer)

And, you may ask, what was her favourite cartoon? She said she just loved the one on page 8. (now you’ll have to get your own copy to see her preferred panel.) 10981211_10155254717085521_8208557309679377914_n

Here are my two little princesses discussing the book amongst themselves, and reliving their joy at having feasted at a banquet of hilarious jokes. I’ll bet they are discussing each and every panel in detail.

That gives me an idea for a cartoon! I’m jotting the idea down right now. (don’t tell them that they inspired it or they may want royalties of some sort) I think I’ll just give them all the mustard and bologne they can eat and let it go at that)

And, maybe another free book.

(okay two free ones.)

 

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Here it is! A cartoon fit for not one but two princesses.

(I especially like the ‘no coaches’ sign in front of the store)

And, although you can’t see it she is wearing glass slippers under her dress.

And, in her giant handbag she has, of course,  a copy of our book. (she’s probably taking it into the print place to run off illegal copies. Mnnnn.)

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Thanks Maisy and Gemma for all your inspiration and kind words about our latest book.

If you two ladies have any ideas you’d like me to work on then jot them down and hand them over. I will give you full credit, of course.

Keep on smiling. Your grandpa loves you both!!!

Butt Seriously…………….

(get your own copy of our book here. I personally sign each purchase and mail for it to you for free.)

 

Ballpark Mustard Now Available For Your Hotdogs. Seriously!

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color_0476_spring_trainingSpring training is over and Major League baseball is back in town! Now all teams begin their race to the pennant and hopefully on to the ‘World Series’. (well, it’s not actually a ‘World’ series; I don’t recall Bulgaria, Tibet, or chilly Iceland ever fielding a team; ditto for Houston)

And, whom may you ask is baseball’s greatest living fan? (zombies don’t count; they use calculators) No it’s not me (Mustard) but rather my creative partner and best friend Alexandre. (Boloney) That’s right!

During the winter months he is in extensive training as he awaits that opening day pitch. He jogs ten milesalexandre baseball photo a day (although he converts it to kilometers which makes it seems even so much more impressive), pumps that iron endlessly (his shirts looks really wrinkle-free), and pours over statistics from the previous season with the eye of an accountant. He even sleeps with a glove on each hand, cupping his balls (autographed) while he sleeps!

Here he is in his Montreal Expo’s jersey. Unfortunately the Expos – like Alexandre’s hair – are long gone from Montreal. He has had to switch and become a long-distance follower of the Toronto Bluejays.

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Still he treasures his beloved hometown jersey and wears it always. Who knows, maybe someday Montreal might get another team?

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Maybe an owner will leave the city one is his will?

Maybe Alexandre will make so much money doing cartoons that he can afford to start his own team.

Alexandre has tried to rally others to his cause of bringing back a team to his beloved city. Unfortunately, it didn’t go very well. The optics were bad as he and thousands of other die-hard fans waved countless baseball bats as they walked the main thoroughfare demanding acolor_0625_batcave team. I had to use our entire ‘Mustard and Boloney’ reserve fund to bail him out. (we didn’t have enough in the kitty to extricate the bat though)

Last summer Alexandre and his partner Sandy came to Toronto for a visit. While here, they took in several Bluejay games. They loved every minute! But again, there is that problem of optics.

 

sad baseball playerWhile at the game Alexandre reached out to get an autograph from player Adam Lind. Mr. Lind turned only to see a man in a Montreal uniform (remember, the team doesn’t exist and hasn’t for some time) leaning over with a pad and pen in hand. And, to top it off, while Alexandre was reaching down his new toupee fell off right onto Mr. Lind’s shoulder! The player was so shaken – he even thought he had gone back in time to when the Expos were playing – that he asked to be traded. He now plays for the Milwaukee Brewers.

Thanks for visiting Toronto, Alexandre! Maybe come back in the winter and visit a Maple Leaf hockey game. With any luck you can get the entire team to leave the city!

Time now for that seventh inning stretch. Head out, grab a beer and another hotdog; one generously topped with our comedic mustard! Then settle back in and watch the season as it unfolds. Good luck Toronto. Alexandre is cheering for you all the way from Montreal.

Play ball………..

 

 

Laughter Is Your Lips Jogging. So Go For A Run!

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Avatar_mustard_hatSales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather.)

 

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Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!

If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.

(and read our book)

If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of marble cheese.

(and read our book)

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both those houses and tear down that fence!

(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)

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Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like:  your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (actually, I would infinitely prefer the plaque over Kim’s recitation of the immortal ‘Bard’s’ words.)

Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? (or take up juggling.)

 

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So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!

Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?

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But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.

 

 

 

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So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. I’ve also been told it’s a great source of much needed roughage as well. (better than bran.)

By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.

(and isn’t that definitely better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)

Bon appetit!

(get your copy of our book here; I hand-sign every copy ordered!)

 

 

Mustard And Boloney Create A Timeless Classic (So They Say)

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When a buzzard’s stomach growls for food it eats. When thirsty, it drinks. When it wants to view rotting, rancid television it watches ‘Fox’ news.

But, what’s a bird to do when hungry for humour? Well, our friend could eat a dead clown but one must be careful as eating too much of a decaying comedic carcass can lead to explosive laughing gas, the kind accompanied by the potent whiff of unwashed socks; ones mixed with the pungent stand-up humour of Michael Richards.

No, I feel that for all ones gourmet needs, the buzzard – and those people that just think they’re buzzards – need look no further than our new book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’.

The meat of ‘Butt Seriously’ is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects are drawn upon to create the delicious – and highly nutritious – ‘aha’ moment. (I’ve eaten ‘aha’ and it especially tastes great when seasoned with curry) Thinking outside the icebox is definitely mandatory, and some panels may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So, that’s what it all means.”  (by reading this blog upside-down can also lead to fresh insights. Go ahead, try it now.)color_0449_rodin

Dan Piraro, creator of Bizarro (www.bizarro.com) kindly offered to write the forward to our book.

He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield (Mustard) and Rouillard (Boloney) are the most shining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time. In a word what they’ve created here is elite.”

Thanks Dan! You made us both cry tears of joy at reading your eloquent words. (next time though, please send them to us in sentence form; it took us several days to piece it all together; kinda like piecing together a ransom note from old magazines)  FYI: Bizarro’s copy of ‘Butt Seriously’  is hand-signed – in blood – of course.  I say ‘of course’ as it’s perfectly normal for a cartoonist to request an unusual offering for writing a forward. (Blood is at least a step down from his initial request for our souls; shades of ‘Phantom of the Paradise’ (film from 1974)

color_0048_budgieSo, when hungry for humour look no further than our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’,  where every single cartoon panel is guaranteed to fill you with your daily allotment of smiles, belly-roars and well, maybe the occasional laughing gas, but at least minus the indigestion, calories, and blood-pressure inducing salt!

Order your own copy today, and maybe one extra one for your friendly neighbourhood bird or un-feathered relative.

Bon appetit!

All Aboard! We Set Sail In An Hour. Seriously!

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Cruising is big business; really big business. In fact two of the largest cruise ships in the world (Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas) hold a staggering 6,296 people each! (not including crew) That means, for example, that the entire town of Pauls Valley in Oklahoma (population 6,187) can rent the entire boat and cruise the Caribbean all by themselves. (of course by doing this they would have to bring in outsiders to watch their pets.) If you have never been on a cruise I would whole-heartedly recommend it. Just be careful as to the cruise line you choose. My wife and I somewhat enjoyed our cruising experience several years ago but if we had to do it over again we would choose a more ‘established’ line; one that actually included meals and the mandatory rest-periods per hour as required by international law. Still it was nice having the salt-water spray in your face (to revive you once you passed out) and the nice ocean breezes blowing through your tattered rags. And wifi….forget it! (although they did have a guy come in at night and do shadow puppets on the wall for entertainment; or maybe it was a woman, I’m not sure. This person was always introduced as ‘Ben-Her’).

I imagine cruises in the olden days were a bit more of an adventure. No swimming pools, no saunas, no staff, no massages, no chocolates left under your pillow at night, and definitely no ‘live’ entertainment! Sometimes you probably didn’t even know where you’d end up, just going where the wind might take you.

Back then – as now – you did have to be careful about pirates coming on board, stealing your valuables, and maybe even taking you to a place you really, really  don’tcolor_0271_pirate want to go (i.e. Stephen Harper’s house or an Adam Sandler film retrospective; both so not funny)

When it comes to cruises timing is essential. If you are late they do not wait. The ship sails without you. Also, if your luggage doesn’t arrive it leaves the harbour without them. (this actually happened to us on our cruise. I had to wear the same pair of underwear for a week! Thank heavens I ate allot of cheese beforehand to minimize the risk.)

All-in-all cruising is great as you never know who – or what – you’ll meet.

Now that I think about it I imagine the first cruise ever was the one made by Noah. It was a rather lengthy cruise with the ship filled to the brim with livestock.

And for those that missed his voyage (i.e. unicorns or anyone who works for Fox news; they always seem to miss the boat) well, they  were never to be seen or heard from again.

Geez, you wonder with a record like that how did cruises ever survive the centuries and thrive? They must have great public relations; either that or great lawyers. Or, someone with allot of pull at the top.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cartoonist Who Came In From The Cold. Seriously!

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Well, it’s official. The statistics are in and it turns out that this past February was the coldest on record here in Ontario (especially Toronto, where I live), and Quebec (more importantly Montreal, where Alexander lives). I have to admit it was indeed crisp but once suitably dressed one managed to deal with it. (My butt was definitely covered up nicely by my long-johns trap-door, thank you.)

 

I suppose there are colder places one could find oneself. (The temperature on the Moon for example, can get as cold as – 233 Celsius at night. Brrr.)  I think the only place considered colder would be feeling that icy stare from Kanye West because you did not want to stand up –  as he asked everyone to do at one of his recent concerts. (he was miffed when two people in the front row wouldn’t stand, so he halted the show. Turns out they couldn’t stand as one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prothetic limb. He glared at them anyway.)

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Maybe Kanye should hold his next concert on top of an icy mountain in Tibet. (This way only the fittest can attend, which would make him extremely happy I’m sure)

This deli definitely serves ‘cold’ meats. (and their sandwich ‘buns’ – as well as yours – are probably a might cool as well.)

So, what did I do to stay warm during this record-breaking cold spell you ask? Well, when I went out I definitely dressed in layers. I had on about ten layers of clothing and on top of that I hired five layers of extra people to surround me to buffer the windchill. (best money I ever spent.) It did look kind of odd though when I drove the car and hadcolor_0380_Bikram_yoga them all hanging on the outside, staying anchored by all the extra straps I had installed. I must say though that I did not lose a single person on account of a sudden turn or quick acceleration. (in fact I lost six.)

I also managed to get to a few hot Yoga sessions to keep the body toasty and limber, and the mind relaxed. (It was a bit of a ways from my house to this fellow’s studio but well worth it. While there I even had a free acupuncture treatment – from him jabbing me with a pitchfork of some kind.)

All-in-all I guess the best way to escape the cold is to actually escape the cold. Get on a plane and head to a beach somewhere warm (and thong acceptable.) Then sit back and let the warm ocean breezes float against your cheeks.

I’d better start collecting those air-miles because this time next year I am so out of here. As it stands now I have enough air-miles to get me to Buffalo,  which is not good. I believe that the average citizen there has at least 12 layers of clothing and nine layers of people needed to keep one warm.

Unfortunately, my budget only allows for ten layers of clothing,  and with all the lawsuits I’m down to only two people huddled around me to keep me warm. (at least they’re Sumo wrestlers so I’m still fairly comfortable.)

Stay warm! Spring is on the way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Open Wide. This Won’t Hurt A Bit. Seriously.

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What’s the one place most people do not like to visit? (other than the IRS?). Why, the dentist of course! Just thinking about those drills and needles makes my skin crawl. And don’t even mention root canals to me. I’ve had five already and I’m still in therapy. (i can’t look at or even eat a root vegetable; exposed roots of trees makes me shudder and I flunked out on math because they wanted the square root of so many numbers!) Even walking past the ‘Roots’ clothing store makes me break out in a cold sweat. Still, when you have a problem you have to go, right?  Fortunately for me my dentist is a nice guy, and very popular with his patients (those that are still alive and able to eat more than just Jello) He even once tried tickling me to ease the stress, but I don’t tickle as I have no funny bone. (odd coming from a cartoonist, wouldn’tcolor_0443_tooth_ferry you say?)

So, for my most recent visit he had to resort to more drastic measures to take my mind off of what he was about to do. He actually hired someone to come in and tell me the story of the ‘Tooth Fairy’, This was very kinf of him and I soon felt warm and fuzzy allover. Then he went to work. I was ready. I was pumped. I was completely drugged! (but happy in story-land)

As he probed I started to think if it was color_0296_hannibalsomething I ate that brought on all these cavities and subsequent root canals.

I don’t really have a sweet tooth so what could it be?

Maybe I don’t brush or floss enough. (flossing would certainly help me to get rid of the stuff between my teeth from this fellows recipe. Although how does this instructor even floss -let alone eat – with that thing over his mouth anyway?)

I wonder if cannibals ever need to floss?

And, if they do, how odd it must feel to pull out part of your uncle Fred from between your teeth. Creepy. But I’ll bet their cavity rate is low as there’s color_0377_cannibalno sugar in their diet to rot the teeth, unless they just ate their honey. (think about that one for a sec.)

My dentist finished up by saying all is good. He then helped dab the tears from my eyes before working on unclenching my fists.Then he commented on that he feels bad about inflicting pain on people all the time and maybe a new line of work might be the way to go. I suggested

color_0640_wisdom_toothhe try politics (shoving taxes down peoples’ throats and getting them to pay is like pulling teeth, right?) or maybe a less stressful job such as a window store mannequin. You just sit there all day in the display window having people stare at you in a nice suit (or undergarments depending on what you are promoting.) What could be more relaxing? Well, lying on a beach in the Cayman islands with a drink in your hand, and the surf at your feet would be more calming for sure. Plus, if he were to do this he could keep a much closer eye on his off-shore account (s) .

Now there’s a thought he can really sink his teeth into.

 

It’s All You Can Eat Day Here At Our Comedic Diner.

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We here at Mustard and Boloney’s cartoon diner continually search the world over looking for tasty dishes to introduce to you, our dear devoted patrons. Our criteria for this exotic food is a simple one: it must be low in calories, high in protein, and guaranteed to fill the stomach sans indigestion.  And, as Alexandre is from Quebec (and speaks fluent French) and I from Ontario (and speak fluent Ontarian) then it’s great to offer up something in at least two languages!

As mentioned we try to limit our use of calorie-laden carbohydrates for those watching their waste-lines. And for those eschewing meat our vegetarian dishes are to just die for! (I, Mustard am a vegetarian whereas Boloney, is not)

Alexandre (Boloney) thinks I am a little crazy for giving up meat and I think he’s a little odd being named after a popular luncheon meat. (though the spelling is different) What were his parents thinking anyway?

Maybe they foresaw that in the future he would team up with a Mustard-loving writer; one who would make sure their son would at least eat his vegetables along with all that meat. I mean without me he wouldn’t have broccoli and legume gas!!  (thank heavens he lives over 500 kilometers away in another city)

At our diner we use only the finest in state-of-the art cookware too. No half-measures and  no teflon-coated pans used here. (a watched pot never boils and our friend here is making sure that’s true; no wonder he needs help)

And, we use only the finest seasonings known to man (and a few that are not) to spice up ourcolor_0343_rack signature dishes. (yes, we sign our name onto every dish that leaves our gourmet kitchen).

We do this because when people say ‘bite me’ to us we quickly reply that they already have.

As you can plainly see Alexandre doesn’t require the use of a hair net. (This came about after his barber ate at our diner but couldn’t afford to pay the bill, complaining about getting scalped). Alexandre decided to get ‘free’ haircuts for a year as opposed to making the poor fellow do the dishes. So now Boloneythe only thing that Alexandre drops into what he cooks is humorous anecdotes. (that’s why people leave our restaurant smiling, happy, and loaded with laughing gas.)

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the lunch crowd is making their way into our diner so I have to go and make some French fries. (the old-fashioned way). It seems that’s one of our most popular side-dishes! (we do bake not fry them as to be calorie conscious.)

Remember, the meat of our offerings is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects. We are happy to create the delicious ‘aha’ moment with every meal. Thinking outside the icebox is mandatory in this diner, and some dishes may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So that’s what it all going to cost. They’re panels are very affordable indeed!”

Bon appetite!

Pass The Buttered Popcorn. It’s Showtime!

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Movies have always been a love of mine. My major in University was film and I  was fortunate enough to win the coveted ‘President’s Prize’ for screenwriting. (Actually that script was later produced into a full-length feature which aired on pay television almost 100 times!) The film was entitled: The Night Watchman’. (Read review here.)

 

Naturally, every film, movie star, director, make-up artist, screenwriter etc.  can lend itself to a little ribbing. (even the odd toe-tickling) And, we here at Mustard and Boloney are certainly good at that. So strip off your socks and shoes, and let me feather those tootsies with a

color_0296_hannibalhumorous ride through the world of entertainment!

But, before we begin, I need a little snack. Perhaps I should try the interesting recipe our friend here is promoting. Although as I am a vegetarian would eating a brain be classified as eating meat, even if it’s my own brain? And, how can I possibly answer that if I have no brain?

Maybe I should ask this fellow if he has any insight into the issue. (he told me to buy his book should I seek  the answers. To that I said, “I’ll be back”; to which I thought I heard him reply, “No problemo”.)

Speaking of brains, in this film those involved seek out the mighty Wizard to get – of all things – a brain for our poor scarecrow. (Apparently one made of straw just doesn’t cut it, unless your color_0284_oz_state_lineStephen Harper.)

Seems to me the others in that film were looking for a heart, some courage and a way to get home. (yep, Harper again)

In addition to the course on gourmet cooking I decided to check out some on philosophy but I had trouble doing my

assignments as the kid I shared a room with seemed to like be a little off, you know what I mean? He kept mentioning the word ‘wizard’ all the time but never in connection with the Land Of Oz. (Although he did have an imaginary dog he called ‘Toe, Toe’.) I say this because he was always looking down at those shoeless, sockless feet saying, “I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!” Interesting.)

I think deep down he really wanted to be a tap dancer. (Only trouble was he kept falling of the sink.) Well, time to put away my cartoons for the day and settle in to watch a movie. Which one shall it be? Tough choice as there are so many great ones. How be I just flip through the stations to see what I can stream. Maybe movies are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get, especially if you don’t have a tv guide.

Got a favourite film you’d like us to poke fun at? Let me know what it is and we’ll see what we can do. Make me an offer I can’t refuse.