Category Archives: nature

Laughter Is Your Lips Jogging. So Go For A Run!

Avatar_mustard_hatSales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather.)

 

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Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!

If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.

(and read our book)

If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of marble cheese.

(and read our book)

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both those houses and tear down that fence!

(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)

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Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like:  your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (actually, I would infinitely prefer the plaque over Kim’s recitation of the immortal ‘Bard’s’ words.)

Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? (or take up juggling.)

 

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So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!

Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?

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But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.

 

 

 

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So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. I’ve also been told it’s a great source of much needed roughage as well. (better than bran.)

By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.

(and isn’t that definitely better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)

Bon appetit!

(get your copy of our book here; I hand-sign every copy ordered!)

 

 

Mustard And Boloney Create A Timeless Classic (So They Say)

When a buzzard’s stomach growls for food it eats. When thirsty, it drinks. When it wants to view rotting, rancid television it watches ‘Fox’ news.

But, what’s a bird to do when hungry for humour? Well, our friend could eat a dead clown but one must be careful as eating too much of a decaying comedic carcass can lead to explosive laughing gas, the kind accompanied by the potent whiff of unwashed socks; ones mixed with the pungent stand-up humour of Michael Richards.

No, I feel that for all ones gourmet needs, the buzzard – and those people that just think they’re buzzards – need look no further than our new book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’.

The meat of ‘Butt Seriously’ is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects are drawn upon to create the delicious – and highly nutritious – ‘aha’ moment. (I’ve eaten ‘aha’ and it especially tastes great when seasoned with curry) Thinking outside the icebox is definitely mandatory, and some panels may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So, that’s what it all means.”  (by reading this blog upside-down can also lead to fresh insights. Go ahead, try it now.)color_0449_rodin

Dan Piraro, creator of Bizarro (www.bizarro.com) kindly offered to write the forward to our book.

He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield (Mustard) and Rouillard (Boloney) are the most shining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time. In a word what they’ve created here is elite.”

Thanks Dan! You made us both cry tears of joy at reading your eloquent words. (next time though, please send them to us in sentence form; it took us several days to piece it all together; kinda like piecing together a ransom note from old magazines)  FYI: Bizarro’s copy of ‘Butt Seriously’  is hand-signed – in blood – of course.  I say ‘of course’ as it’s perfectly normal for a cartoonist to request an unusual offering for writing a forward. (Blood is at least a step down from his initial request for our souls; shades of ‘Phantom of the Paradise’ (film from 1974)

color_0048_budgieSo, when hungry for humour look no further than our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’,  where every single cartoon panel is guaranteed to fill you with your daily allotment of smiles, belly-roars and well, maybe the occasional laughing gas, but at least minus the indigestion, calories, and blood-pressure inducing salt!

Order your own copy today, and maybe one extra one for your friendly neighbourhood bird or un-feathered relative.

Bon appetit!

All Aboard! We Set Sail In An Hour. Seriously!

Cruising is big business; really big business. In fact two of the largest cruise ships in the world (Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas) hold a staggering 6,296 people each! (not including crew) That means, for example, that the entire town of Pauls Valley in Oklahoma (population 6,187) can rent the entire boat and cruise the Caribbean all by themselves. (of course by doing this they would have to bring in outsiders to watch their pets.) If you have never been on a cruise I would whole-heartedly recommend it. Just be careful as to the cruise line you choose. My wife and I somewhat enjoyed our cruising experience several years ago but if we had to do it over again we would choose a more ‘established’ line; one that actually included meals and the mandatory rest-periods per hour as required by international law. Still it was nice having the salt-water spray in your face (to revive you once you passed out) and the nice ocean breezes blowing through your tattered rags. And wifi….forget it! (although they did have a guy come in at night and do shadow puppets on the wall for entertainment; or maybe it was a woman, I’m not sure. This person was always introduced as ‘Ben-Her’).

I imagine cruises in the olden days were a bit more of an adventure. No swimming pools, no saunas, no staff, no massages, no chocolates left under your pillow at night, and definitely no ‘live’ entertainment! Sometimes you probably didn’t even know where you’d end up, just going where the wind might take you.

Back then – as now – you did have to be careful about pirates coming on board, stealing your valuables, and maybe even taking you to a place you really, really  don’tcolor_0271_pirate want to go (i.e. Stephen Harper’s house or an Adam Sandler film retrospective; both so not funny)

When it comes to cruises timing is essential. If you are late they do not wait. The ship sails without you. Also, if your luggage doesn’t arrive it leaves the harbour without them. (this actually happened to us on our cruise. I had to wear the same pair of underwear for a week! Thank heavens I ate allot of cheese beforehand to minimize the risk.)

All-in-all cruising is great as you never know who – or what – you’ll meet.

Now that I think about it I imagine the first cruise ever was the one made by Noah. It was a rather lengthy cruise with the ship filled to the brim with livestock.

And for those that missed his voyage (i.e. unicorns or anyone who works for Fox news; they always seem to miss the boat) well, they  were never to be seen or heard from again.

Geez, you wonder with a record like that how did cruises ever survive the centuries and thrive? They must have great public relations; either that or great lawyers. Or, someone with allot of pull at the top.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Cartoonist Who Came In From The Cold. Seriously!

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Well, it’s official. The statistics are in and it turns out that this past February was the coldest on record here in Ontario (especially Toronto, where I live), and Quebec (more importantly Montreal, where Alexander lives). I have to admit it was indeed crisp but once suitably dressed one managed to deal with it. (My butt was definitely covered up nicely by my long-johns trap-door, thank you.)

 

I suppose there are colder places one could find oneself. (The temperature on the Moon for example, can get as cold as – 233 Celsius at night. Brrr.)  I think the only place considered colder would be feeling that icy stare from Kanye West because you did not want to stand up –  as he asked everyone to do at one of his recent concerts. (he was miffed when two people in the front row wouldn’t stand, so he halted the show. Turns out they couldn’t stand as one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prothetic limb. He glared at them anyway.)

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Maybe Kanye should hold his next concert on top of an icy mountain in Tibet. (This way only the fittest can attend, which would make him extremely happy I’m sure)

This deli definitely serves ‘cold’ meats. (and their sandwich ‘buns’ – as well as yours – are probably a might cool as well.)

So, what did I do to stay warm during this record-breaking cold spell you ask? Well, when I went out I definitely dressed in layers. I had on about ten layers of clothing and on top of that I hired five layers of extra people to surround me to buffer the windchill. (best money I ever spent.) It did look kind of odd though when I drove the car and hadcolor_0380_Bikram_yoga them all hanging on the outside, staying anchored by all the extra straps I had installed. I must say though that I did not lose a single person on account of a sudden turn or quick acceleration. (in fact I lost six.)

I also managed to get to a few hot Yoga sessions to keep the body toasty and limber, and the mind relaxed. (It was a bit of a ways from my house to this fellow’s studio but well worth it. While there I even had a free acupuncture treatment – from him jabbing me with a pitchfork of some kind.)

All-in-all I guess the best way to escape the cold is to actually escape the cold. Get on a plane and head to a beach somewhere warm (and thong acceptable.) Then sit back and let the warm ocean breezes float against your cheeks.

I’d better start collecting those air-miles because this time next year I am so out of here. As it stands now I have enough air-miles to get me to Buffalo,  which is not good. I believe that the average citizen there has at least 12 layers of clothing and nine layers of people needed to keep one warm.

Unfortunately, my budget only allows for ten layers of clothing,  and with all the lawsuits I’m down to only two people huddled around me to keep me warm. (at least they’re Sumo wrestlers so I’m still fairly comfortable.)

Stay warm! Spring is on the way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mustard And Boloney Produce Purrfect Cartoons. Seriously!

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Here again is my cat Subira. (I’ve mentioned her before in a previous post) She is an absolutely adorable sweetie, and as you know I always run my cartoons by her for an opinion. (for this photo I shot it through my glass back doors. She is waiting patiently for me to take her out for her walk, which I do everyday on a leash. Weather permitting of course. She does not like her delicate toes to get too wet or too cold.)

Today, she asked if I would let her pick some of her favourites from the catalogue of Mustard and Boloney cartoons to place into this post. I said sure!  So, take it away Subira!!

 

This one (just completed) seemed to catch her eye. (oddly enough, even though Subira does not

color_0221_cat_nipdrink when she is playing those beautiful blue eyes turn completely blood red. Mmnnn. I do check her breath;  nothing but kibble odour there.)

She even has a habit of lying on her back with her tummy exposed. Life imitating art?

This next one she wanted in as she loved the twist on a familiar theme. She has nothing against dogs; as a matter of fact she actually likes them, and when we are out walking she goes right over to meet them.  She is extremely social. color_0217_blind_dog

 

 

As you know cats need their beauty sleep and Subira is no exception. Here she has curled up into my clothes box for a quick snooze. (all this cartoon picking has worn her

subira in boxout) This momentary break gives me time to create fresh material and do some much needed laundry.

(Her naps can take a while so you may want to go to the fridge for a beer and a sandwich. Maybe even take in a movie.)

She’s awake again! But we’ll be a few minutes more as she needs a snack, some play time and a quick walk around the block to meet and greet her other furry friends. Ah, to be a cartoonist’s cat.

Again looking back over some of the past panels she selected this classic as her next offering.

Actually, it was the very first cartoon Alexandre (Boloney) and I ever did. (it still actually makes me laugh out loud) This cartoon is alsocolor_0001_fish featured in our latest book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’. (get your copy here)

Every time Subira sees this cartoon she rolls over onto her back and smiles. (and every time she does that I immediately check her breath; still kibbliy)

Good choice!

I read the paper every morning over breakfast to know what goes on in the world. And Subira – like any cat – likes to flop down onto the newspaper, causing me to have to read color_D_white_housearound her body.

She chose this next cartoon in response to what we have read together. (she bribed me with some of her kibble to print it.)

I find cartoons great in that they can convey so much in so little space – one frame!

Silly Juju

As you can see Subira is resting now after having done the bulk of the work for this post. (it would be even more helpful to me if she could type.)

I must let her do this again sometime.

Perhaps on her birthday in April.

She is so purrfect at selecting cartoons!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring Is In The Air! Not.

Right about now – especially for Alexandre and myself – we are of the mindset that spring should be here instead of a couple more months of bitter cold. But, as our happy friend in this cartoon remarks it’s all in how you view it. (In Canada temperatures are in Celsius; if I convert it to Fahrenheit it would be warmer) Fair enough. I still view it as winter though AND I STILL WANT IT TO BE SPRING! There’s a reason they call this time the ‘dead of winter’. Not too much to do but hunker down inside the home, try to stay warm and keep taking vitamin D.

Even my cat Subira (who I have trained to go for walks on a leash) wants to be outside. She getsSilly Juju a bit antsy being cooped up inside during the coldest time of year but, what’s one to do? I do get her out when the weather co-operates but if it’s bitter cold and accompanied by a meter of snow then forget it! We stay inside, sipping hot drinks and playing chess. (how one can lose to  a cat needs further explanation, and I’m not going to give it. I’m mocked enough by family, friends color_0319_hell_barand neighbours – even the odd dog – so let it lie.)

 

Although losing three weeks in a row did eventually send me out into the frostbite to have a few drinks with some old friends at a local watering hole. At least there I seemed to be the happiest of the bunch. (one guy even lost to his parakeet at blackjack.)

Later that night on my way home from the pub I did bump into these happy-go-lucky guys. color_0239_ski_doThey seemed good with the cold and knew how to best roll with it. They offered to hoist me up onto their shoulders for a spin but I said I don’t monkey around after having a few drinks, and declined. They took it in stride and didn’t go totally ‘apeshit’ all over me.

Once back home I went to bed and dreamed of the approaching winter’s  thaw. Next morning I awoke only to be surrounded by water! It seems Subira had poked a few holes in my water bed during the night and I had sprung a leak! (that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.)

Spring will be here soon enough and Subira and I will walk the streets again, basking in the heat. But in the meantime I’m thinking of taking a few on-line courses to ‘up my game’ so as not to keep losing to her.

Maybe I need to change games to , say, go fish. No, I have a hunch she’d be good at that too.

Stay warm!

 

Mustard Goes Bananas. Seriously!

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Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit. Why, you may ask? (so many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’

I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends.  Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric?  Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!

(notice my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)

If you find this a little unusual here is a picture of my wife and I. She goes around dressed like Pancho Villa a good bit of the time now. And, photo (1)she’s even studying Spanish!

So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).

Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. (you can tell just how jammed-packed the place was by the crowd surrounding us) Anyway, we dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! (the judges were friends of Subira so I had plenty of treats to share).

 

One judged seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down allot, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later than I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture. from the garbage later that night.

I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party earlier that same month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein? (as I am a vegetarian)

Notice that the color_0249_nut_freeartistry is unmistakably the same! Yet they were given to me by two different people. Am I crazy or is that even possible? Can two distinct people have the exact same drawing style?

I immediately phoned up Alexandre as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen (except maybe with twins) but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy someone elses style.  So both cartoons must be the work of just one man.

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“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this  cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”

There was a lengthy silence on the phone.

Alexandre finally spoke up and added, ‘If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person. and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”

If he only knew.

Bon Appetit!

 

 

 

 

 

Our Butts May Be Cold But Our Book Is So Warm. Seriously!

Boloney (Alexandre Rouillard) and I (Jeffrey Caulfield) live in Canada where the winters can be a touch cold; very cold indeed! It doesn’t bother us much as we are used to it but our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ can’t take the chill. So, it’s decided to visit a much warmer climate for a couple of months until the spring returns.

(the guy on the left is not dressed too warm for the cold either. His cheeks are so frosty!)

Our good friend Kathy and her husband took pity on our chilly book so they decided to take it on a grand tour of the American book travels 2south west. Here it is on the back of their RV (it’s hard to make out but those are Arizona license plates.)

I think Kathy was having a bit too much Tequila when she took this out-of-focus picture. Our book looks a bit blurry-eyed as well.

But, our Butt’s (Seriously) book is at least nice and warm. It’s good to see it out enjoying itself on the open road, with the wind rustling through it’s pages as the scenery flies past. Who knows, someone may spot it and want a copy of their own.

(get your copy here)

I do hope if it does fall off the back of their vehicle that it doesn’t land too hard and sit neglected on the interstate.

color_0047_taste_funnyIf it does I can only hope these two characters will scoop it up and take it under their protective wing, as they appear to like good humour.

And our book, ‘Butt Seriously’ is definitely that!

Actually, Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) was kind enough to write the forward to our humorous tome.  (While out on his porch one day he happened to see it fly off of the back of an RV -a different trip – and land in his front yard.) Upon reading it he immediately felt the need to comment on its contents. He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield and Rouillard are the most color_0343_rackshining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time.”

Thanks Dan! (and we’re so glad our book didn’t bounce of off your well-manicured lawn and break a window).

If it did you might have had us put ‘on the rack’.

Of course by doing that would have only meant that our humour would be stretched that much further, and less cartoons would have been needed to be placed into the book. Ha!

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As I write this it is snowy and cold outside. But inside I feel warm all over knowing our book is getting a tan on a tablecloth of stars! (plus writing this while sitting in my infrared sauna helps me feel toasty too.) Thanks Kathy!!

So, why not get your own copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously‘ and take it out for a little trip? If you do make sure it’s buckled in good and tight.

And, if camping or hiking our book comes in very handy. You can eat a page a day for that  much-needed humour (and roughage), or use a page a day for un-needed ah, well, you know?

Butt Seriously!!!!!

(get your copy here now)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Out With The Old And In With The New.

color_0298_thesaurusWell, Christmas has come and gone for another year. I hope Santa was good to you all. And, just what did I get from the Jolly one you ask? Books. Lots of books. As an avid reader I do enjoy a good book and this time I actually got an actual e-reader to read them on. Usually Santa drops down my chimney with a sack of thick books each Christmas (and on New Years eve he always checks into the Mayo clinic for a much-needed hernia operation) but this time my texts are all virtual! The big guy was so pleased because now he can ring in the New Year just like the rest of us, instead of from a hospital bed wondering when that enima he took (pre-operation) is going to kick in. I am happy as well as now I won’t have to walk around like Quasimodo from the weight of having to carry so many hardcovers around. (I never knew I was actually 6 feet tall until just now)color_0231_hike

 

So, what will you be doing on the night of the 31st? Perhaps going out for a drink with friends? Or maybe your heading out trying to make new friends? Either way you are out on the town hopefully having more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! (for some reason it has to be a barrel; they’re simply no fun in a cardboard box)

 

You may even be in the mood to dance. When Kong here dances everyone dances because if you don’t you’ll end up as his toe jam. King is surprisingly light on his feet – all four of them – and has danced with the best (beast?) of them: Rodan, Godzilla, Monthra, Gamera and even a giant leech, just to name a few.

Fay Wray was his initial dance partner but his two-step meant she had to do 95 steps which proved too overwhelming so she retired. 

If you do plan on heading out on the town then please drink responsibly.

Make sure you have cab fare and no where you live (sew it into your underwear if necessary; your address not the money)

But, what’s a person to do if one finds themselves like our friend here, naked and exposed? (maybe a henna tattoo of your address on your chest might help).

avatar_boloney_hatWell, whatever you plan to do have a great time. Alexandre Avatar_mustard_hat(Boloney) and myself (Mustard) want to wish you all the best for 2015. And, we hope you’ll keep coming back to our comedic diner for one of our signature tasty dishes; ones filled with your daily allotment of humour, irreverence and the odd pickle.

Bon Appetit !!!!