Category Archives: sciences

Are You Seeing Double? Yes, You Are!

Our book coverAlexandre and I are extremely proud and excited to have sold an astounding amount of copies of our new book ‘Butt, Seriously’. I have to use all my toes and fingers plus some of Alexandre’s  to count that high.

To all of you who bought we give a heartfelt thanks. And, to those that haven’t yet managed to snag a copy we say: Why not? Is a heartfelt thanks not enough? Do you require a kidney too?

Or, are you secretly waiting for the deal of the century?

Well, here it is! Out in the open. THE DEAL OF THE CENTURY!

For a limited time we’re prepared to offer this fabulous deal: Buy one book at the regular price and get an additional copy for only 5 bucks more! You heard – or rather read – that right. You can now get two copies of this humorous tome for only $25. (shipping, handling and taxes included.)

I will also personally hand-sign each and every copy of this collectors item, which contains over 100 of our classic cartoons, and all in full eye-popping colour.

WOW! I say WOW again. Never before has such an offer been written by me and in this blog.

I repeat (especially after Chili night at our house) : Get two copies of our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ for the unheard of price of only $25 dollars. Hey, I’ll even  – as this cartoon suggests – throw in a cruise to further sweeten the deal, so long as you pay for the cruise/airfare and all the taxes yourself.

So, get you own copy of the book that Dan Piraro – creator of Bizarro – has been raving about  RIGHT HERE by clicking with your mouse thingy. Butt seriously!

 

 

Mustard Goes Bananas. Seriously!

P1030341Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit in my living room. Why, you ask? (So many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’

I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends. Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric?  Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!

(Take notice that my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)

If you find this a little unusual here is a picture of my wife and I. She goes around dressed like Pancho Villa a good bit of the time now. And, photo (1)she’s even studying Spanish! Oh, no!

So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).

Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. We dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! Then we all swung from the chandelier. Seriously!

One judge seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down a lot of the time, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later that I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture from the garbage later that night when no one was looking.

I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party in the previous month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein – as I am a vegetarian – instead of injesting so many over-ripe bananas?

Notice that the color_0249_nut_freeartistry is unmistakably the same! Yet they were given to me by two different people. Am I crazy or is that even possible? Can two distinct people have the exact same drawing style?

I immediately phoned up Alexandre (Boloney) as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen – except maybe with twins – but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy another person’s style.  So both cartoons must be the work of just one individual.

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“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this  cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”

There was a lengthy silence on the phone.

Alexandre finally spoke up and added, “If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person, and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”

An a-peeling thought. If he only knew.

Bon Appetit!

 

The Devil Is In The Details.

“The Devil made me do it!” became a national catch phrase in the 1970s thanks to Flip Wilson. This great stand-up comedian – whose television show I used to watch weekly – oftentimes dressed up as his alter ego ‘Geraldine’. And the above phrase along with one of his (her) other favourite lines, “The Devil made me buy this dress!” always proved hysterically funny when ‘Flip’ said them on his show.  (In fact he won a Grammy award for his album ‘The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress.’)

Yes, I’m sure we all know the story of Lucifer, but what we don’t know is just how big a settlement he received – and, whom did he in fact receive it from? (I mean a fall like the one he undertook probably was worth plenty; more than an amount paid out for just slipping on sidewalk ice I would venture to say.)

Of course his lawyer(s) probably would have eaten away much – if not all – of  that settlement amount for services rendered throughout the endless centuries, until there probably wasn’t even enough left for our ‘Prince of Darkness’ to buy clothes, food, suitable lodgings and an extra space heater for his office.

Does the Devil blame anyone in particular for his lot in life?

Possibly.

Does the Devil sit around and watch Fox news all day?

Maybe.

Does the Devil think of myriad ways to ‘upgrade’ his status in the world and get more ‘likes’ on his Facebook page?

Probably.

A great film called ‘The Exorcist‘ (1973) starred a very young actress named Linda Blair, who in the film was supposedly possessed by the Devil.

I remember watching that film and thinking, “Mnnnn. If the Devil likes it so hot all the time (at least my understanding) then why does he make her room so cold?”  Could he have grossly miscalculated on his conversion to Celsius?  (Maybe learning the metric system would make him a much happier Devil.) Or, does he have an undiagnosed thyroid problem? (In which case a few medications would be just the answer.)

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And, as a much happier Devil his health might improve.

With improvement comes a better frame of mind, and possibly inner peace.

Who knows, the Devil then might just move to a city and open up a ‘yoga’ sanctuary. (maybe he already has because who really started this ‘bikram’ trend anyway?)

Odd, I was going to write a post about a completely unrelated matter but as I sat down to compose my fingers typed out this. Why? The Devil made me do it! (I’ve just gotta stop playing that record as well as take a moment to turn down the thermostat a wee bit, and then up with the air conditioning.)

 

How Is That Evolution Thing Going For You?

color_0015_sameold copie copyAs I get older I tend to look back on some of the choices I’ve made in the past and wonder ‘what was I thinking?’. (Did I really wear platform shoes and polyester suits with bell-bottomed pants? Yes. And actually dance to disco music? Yes again. Did I dare mix peanut butter and chocolate before Reeses was invented? So true)

Is having these thoughts of ‘what if the road I took was a different one would my life be markedly different’ the same for everyone as you age? Do we all have a white John Travolta-type suit hanging in our closets waiting to be worn during that next disco dance to stardom? Or will it simply stay in the closet protected by moth balls, never to be used again? Have I ‘evolved’ or simply gone along for the ride?

Someone once said to me that he was an expert in his chosen field because he had twenty years experience on the job (and with the same company for the entire time).

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I was suitably impressed then sat and thought more about that statement a bit. (while I ate a few peanut butter cups in my now chocolate stained white suit.)

What was he really saying?

Was it, “I have twenty year’s experience on the job” or rather, “I have one year’s experience twenty times.”

Had he ‘evolved’ or just remained relatively the same?

 

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Perhaps that is a question that can only be answered by a higher authority than I.(my wife)

Perhaps there is no ‘right’ answer; only ‘lefts’. (and sometimes the odd middle)

Perhaps every bone is connected, and it doesn’t matter what road you take so long as you don’t fall over a rock (or from platform shoes) and break any of them.

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Maybe I need to make a list of things that had circumstances been different I might have done.

Maybe I need to actually ‘do’ some of those things on that list. Experience them fully without bumping into, well, you know, the boney guy in the dark robe. (Question: Did ‘Death’ ever have any ‘life’ choices? Just wondering.)

Maybe I need to ‘walk the walk’ and not’ talk the talk’.

Maybe I should check my thesaurus and find another word (s)  to use instead of ‘maybe’ all the time.

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Life is definitely full of multiple choices.

You say ‘tomehto; I say ‘tomahto’. You say ‘potehto’; I say ‘potahto’.

Everything is relative.

And, speaking of relatives, I wonder what this fish did evolve in to? (maybe me) But, it would have stayed the same had it not left the security of the pond.

So, is it time for a change? Are you ready to leave the warm waters of ‘same old, same old’?

If so, then I humbly suggest you take along some scuba gear. You may occasionally  wish to return to your humble beginnings for a bit of familiarity from time-to-time, and to visit those whose road was not as dry and traveled as yours.

Remember, evolution waits for no one. And no one evolves waiting.

 

Our Youngest Fans Love Extra Mustard On Their Boloney. Seriously!

April 2014 213This is my granddaughter Maisy. You may remember me speaking about her from several posts back. What a doll! She called me the other day to let me know just how much she enjoyed reading our latest book entitled: Butt Seriously.

She loved it so much that she began passing it around to family and friends. (next time I’ll have to encourage her to ‘sell’ the book to her friends, not loan it out. I need the money to start that college fund!)

Here it is in the hands of her sister Gemma, (another fabulous granddaughter) who is ecstatic to get it. And, why not? it’s packed full of cartoons – over 100gemma and our book of them – for any and all ages.

Actually, I believe when Gemma was born the doctor was reading a copy and as he was laughing so hard when she entered the world I know Gemma will grow up to have an excellent sense of humour. ( he also slapped her bottom using our book instead of the usual hand slap hence she ‘giggled’.) And she’s never looked back.

As you can see the book in her hand has been DSC_1663 (1)well-traveled and seen better days meaning many have enjoyed its humour! (I believe even the family dog glanced through it and tried to bury it for future generations to dig up and enjoy.)

With that in mind Gemma requested a new copy – one without dog ‘spittle’ on it. I gave her one and here she is having just finished reading it cover-to-cover. And check out that happy smile! (another satisfied customer)

And, you may ask, what was her favourite cartoon? She said she just loved the one on page 8. (now you’ll have to get your own copy to see her preferred panel.) 10981211_10155254717085521_8208557309679377914_n

Here are my two little princesses discussing the book amongst themselves, and reliving their joy at having feasted at a banquet of hilarious jokes. I’ll bet they are discussing each and every panel in detail.

That gives me an idea for a cartoon! I’m jotting the idea down right now. (don’t tell them that they inspired it or they may want royalties of some sort) I think I’ll just give them all the mustard and bologne they can eat and let it go at that)

And, maybe another free book.

(okay two free ones.)

 

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Here it is! A cartoon fit for not one but two princesses.

(I especially like the ‘no coaches’ sign in front of the store)

And, although you can’t see it she is wearing glass slippers under her dress.

And, in her giant handbag she has, of course,  a copy of our book. (she’s probably taking it into the print place to run off illegal copies. Mnnnn.)

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Thanks Maisy and Gemma for all your inspiration and kind words about our latest book.

If you two ladies have any ideas you’d like me to work on then jot them down and hand them over. I will give you full credit, of course.

Keep on smiling. Your grandpa loves you both!!!

Butt Seriously…………….

(get your own copy of our book here. I personally sign each purchase and mail for it to you for free.)

 

Laughter Is Your Lips Jogging. So Go For A Run!

Avatar_mustard_hatSales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather.)

 

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Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!

If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.

(and read our book)

If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of marble cheese.

(and read our book)

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both those houses and tear down that fence!

(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)

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Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like:  your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (actually, I would infinitely prefer the plaque over Kim’s recitation of the immortal ‘Bard’s’ words.)

Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? (or take up juggling.)

 

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So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!

Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?

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But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.

 

 

 

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So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. I’ve also been told it’s a great source of much needed roughage as well. (better than bran.)

By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.

(and isn’t that definitely better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)

Bon appetit!

(get your copy of our book here; I hand-sign every copy ordered!)

 

 

The Cartoonist Who Came In From The Cold. Seriously!

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Well, it’s official. The statistics are in and it turns out that this past February was the coldest on record here in Ontario (especially Toronto, where I live), and Quebec (more importantly Montreal, where Alexander lives). I have to admit it was indeed crisp but once suitably dressed one managed to deal with it. (My butt was definitely covered up nicely by my long-johns trap-door, thank you.)

 

I suppose there are colder places one could find oneself. (The temperature on the Moon for example, can get as cold as – 233 Celsius at night. Brrr.)  I think the only place considered colder would be feeling that icy stare from Kanye West because you did not want to stand up –  as he asked everyone to do at one of his recent concerts. (he was miffed when two people in the front row wouldn’t stand, so he halted the show. Turns out they couldn’t stand as one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prothetic limb. He glared at them anyway.)

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Maybe Kanye should hold his next concert on top of an icy mountain in Tibet. (This way only the fittest can attend, which would make him extremely happy I’m sure)

This deli definitely serves ‘cold’ meats. (and their sandwich ‘buns’ – as well as yours – are probably a might cool as well.)

So, what did I do to stay warm during this record-breaking cold spell you ask? Well, when I went out I definitely dressed in layers. I had on about ten layers of clothing and on top of that I hired five layers of extra people to surround me to buffer the windchill. (best money I ever spent.) It did look kind of odd though when I drove the car and hadcolor_0380_Bikram_yoga them all hanging on the outside, staying anchored by all the extra straps I had installed. I must say though that I did not lose a single person on account of a sudden turn or quick acceleration. (in fact I lost six.)

I also managed to get to a few hot Yoga sessions to keep the body toasty and limber, and the mind relaxed. (It was a bit of a ways from my house to this fellow’s studio but well worth it. While there I even had a free acupuncture treatment – from him jabbing me with a pitchfork of some kind.)

All-in-all I guess the best way to escape the cold is to actually escape the cold. Get on a plane and head to a beach somewhere warm (and thong acceptable.) Then sit back and let the warm ocean breezes float against your cheeks.

I’d better start collecting those air-miles because this time next year I am so out of here. As it stands now I have enough air-miles to get me to Buffalo,  which is not good. I believe that the average citizen there has at least 12 layers of clothing and nine layers of people needed to keep one warm.

Unfortunately, my budget only allows for ten layers of clothing,  and with all the lawsuits I’m down to only two people huddled around me to keep me warm. (at least they’re Sumo wrestlers so I’m still fairly comfortable.)

Stay warm! Spring is on the way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Open Wide. This Won’t Hurt A Bit. Seriously.

What’s the one place most people do not like to visit? (other than the IRS?). Why, the dentist of course! Just thinking about those drills and needles makes my skin crawl. And don’t even mention root canals to me. I’ve had five already and I’m still in therapy. (i can’t look at or even eat a root vegetable; exposed roots of trees makes me shudder and I flunked out on math because they wanted the square root of so many numbers!) Even walking past the ‘Roots’ clothing store makes me break out in a cold sweat. Still, when you have a problem you have to go, right?  Fortunately for me my dentist is a nice guy, and very popular with his patients (those that are still alive and able to eat more than just Jello) He even once tried tickling me to ease the stress, but I don’t tickle as I have no funny bone. (odd coming from a cartoonist, wouldn’tcolor_0443_tooth_ferry you say?)

So, for my most recent visit he had to resort to more drastic measures to take my mind off of what he was about to do. He actually hired someone to come in and tell me the story of the ‘Tooth Fairy’, This was very kinf of him and I soon felt warm and fuzzy allover. Then he went to work. I was ready. I was pumped. I was completely drugged! (but happy in story-land)

As he probed I started to think if it was color_0296_hannibalsomething I ate that brought on all these cavities and subsequent root canals.

I don’t really have a sweet tooth so what could it be?

Maybe I don’t brush or floss enough. (flossing would certainly help me to get rid of the stuff between my teeth from this fellows recipe. Although how does this instructor even floss -let alone eat – with that thing over his mouth anyway?)

I wonder if cannibals ever need to floss?

And, if they do, how odd it must feel to pull out part of your uncle Fred from between your teeth. Creepy. But I’ll bet their cavity rate is low as there’s color_0377_cannibalno sugar in their diet to rot the teeth, unless they just ate their honey. (think about that one for a sec.)

My dentist finished up by saying all is good. He then helped dab the tears from my eyes before working on unclenching my fists.Then he commented on that he feels bad about inflicting pain on people all the time and maybe a new line of work might be the way to go. I suggested

color_0640_wisdom_toothhe try politics (shoving taxes down peoples’ throats and getting them to pay is like pulling teeth, right?) or maybe a less stressful job such as a window store mannequin. You just sit there all day in the display window having people stare at you in a nice suit (or undergarments depending on what you are promoting.) What could be more relaxing? Well, lying on a beach in the Cayman islands with a drink in your hand, and the surf at your feet would be more calming for sure. Plus, if he were to do this he could keep a much closer eye on his off-shore account (s) .

Now there’s a thought he can really sink his teeth into.

 

It’s All You Can Eat Day Here At Our Comedic Diner.

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We here at Mustard and Boloney’s cartoon diner continually search the world over looking for tasty dishes to introduce to you, our dear devoted patrons. Our criteria for this exotic food is a simple one: it must be low in calories, high in protein, and guaranteed to fill the stomach sans indigestion.  And, as Alexandre is from Quebec (and speaks fluent French) and I from Ontario (and speak fluent Ontarian) then it’s great to offer up something in at least two languages!

As mentioned we try to limit our use of calorie-laden carbohydrates for those watching their waste-lines. And for those eschewing meat our vegetarian dishes are to just die for! (I, Mustard am a vegetarian whereas Boloney, is not)

Alexandre (Boloney) thinks I am a little crazy for giving up meat and I think he’s a little odd being named after a popular luncheon meat. (though the spelling is different) What were his parents thinking anyway?

Maybe they foresaw that in the future he would team up with a Mustard-loving writer; one who would make sure their son would at least eat his vegetables along with all that meat. I mean without me he wouldn’t have broccoli and legume gas!!  (thank heavens he lives over 500 kilometers away in another city)

At our diner we use only the finest in state-of-the art cookware too. No half-measures and  no teflon-coated pans used here. (a watched pot never boils and our friend here is making sure that’s true; no wonder he needs help)

And, we use only the finest seasonings known to man (and a few that are not) to spice up ourcolor_0343_rack signature dishes. (yes, we sign our name onto every dish that leaves our gourmet kitchen).

We do this because when people say ‘bite me’ to us we quickly reply that they already have.

As you can plainly see Alexandre doesn’t require the use of a hair net. (This came about after his barber ate at our diner but couldn’t afford to pay the bill, complaining about getting scalped). Alexandre decided to get ‘free’ haircuts for a year as opposed to making the poor fellow do the dishes. So now Boloneythe only thing that Alexandre drops into what he cooks is humorous anecdotes. (that’s why people leave our restaurant smiling, happy, and loaded with laughing gas.)

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the lunch crowd is making their way into our diner so I have to go and make some French fries. (the old-fashioned way). It seems that’s one of our most popular side-dishes! (we do bake not fry them as to be calorie conscious.)

Remember, the meat of our offerings is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects. We are happy to create the delicious ‘aha’ moment with every meal. Thinking outside the icebox is mandatory in this diner, and some dishes may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So that’s what it all going to cost. They’re panels are very affordable indeed!”

Bon appetite!

Resolutions And Your Resolve. Too Early To Tell?

 

Well 2015 is finally here and with it comes the hope of a great year ahead. (what it doesn’t come with – like most of your Christmas presents – is a money back guarantee should you not like it). And thus far, how many New Year’s eve resolutions have you managed to keep? (out of a dozen or so promised?) As for myself I tend not to make any end of the year resolutions; if I want to change something I just simply do it instead of waiting.

But for most the dawn of a different year brings fresh hope and renewed vigour that their goal(s) can be achieved. No more same old, same old!

Perhaps you’re trying to lose a little weight. Well one could adjust their food intake alone but certainly doing a little exercise will help. It may not feel like heaven doing it but in the end you’ll look and feel so much better.

And, when your friends ask how did you loose those twenty pounds? Simply tell them to ‘go to Hell’. (and don’t forget to smile when you say that)

Shedding unwanted pounds is near the top of many peoples’ resolution list, along with giving up smoking or cutting back on drinking.

Unfortunately it’s one of the first to be tossed aside when one passes the nearest baker, deli place or kid with a chocolate bar in her hand.

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At least this deli place requires you to hike a nearby mountain top to get it, so you’ll definitely be working off that pastrami and cheese sandwich. (and everything else you ate for the last five months)

 

Maybe one of your (non-binding) resolutions was to finally get out of your rut and see more of the world.

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Bravo! It’s good to get out from behind that computer screen and actually see all you can see from sea to shining sea.

Now, you don’t have to be extreme in your changes. Maybe simply resolve to walk a different way home after school or work. Volunteer to help others and give back to the community. Or wear your underwear on the outside of your pants. Resolve to think outside the box. Change should always be viewed as a positive.

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What’s that you say? You want to change your job completely this year? Then do it right now! It’s never too late to begin a new career. (Print out this cartoon and carry it in your wallet for inspiration.)

Alexandre and I have had several jobs before we opened our Mustard and Boloney cartoon diner. We’ve found that we’re much better at frying up jokes than cookin’ the books.

 

So, start 2015 off with a bang!  And remember, once you’ve made a change – stick with it. Resolve to make those resolutions stick. (use crazy glue if need be)

Oh, and by-the-way, the milkshake you ordered is ready; the one made with skim milk,  low fat ice cream and artificial sweetener.

Bon Apetite!