Category Archives: Health

The Cartoonist Who Came In From The Cold. Seriously!

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Well, it’s official. The statistics are in and it turns out that this past February was the coldest on record here in Ontario (especially Toronto, where I live), and Quebec (more importantly Montreal, where Alexander lives). I have to admit it was indeed crisp but once suitably dressed one managed to deal with it. (My butt was definitely covered up nicely by my long-johns trap-door, thank you.)

 

I suppose there are colder places one could find oneself. (The temperature on the Moon for example, can get as cold as – 233 Celsius at night. Brrr.)  I think the only place considered colder would be feeling that icy stare from Kanye West because you did not want to stand up –  as he asked everyone to do at one of his recent concerts. (he was miffed when two people in the front row wouldn’t stand, so he halted the show. Turns out they couldn’t stand as one was in a wheelchair and the other had a prothetic limb. He glared at them anyway.)

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Maybe Kanye should hold his next concert on top of an icy mountain in Tibet. (This way only the fittest can attend, which would make him extremely happy I’m sure)

This deli definitely serves ‘cold’ meats. (and their sandwich ‘buns’ – as well as yours – are probably a might cool as well.)

So, what did I do to stay warm during this record-breaking cold spell you ask? Well, when I went out I definitely dressed in layers. I had on about ten layers of clothing and on top of that I hired five layers of extra people to surround me to buffer the windchill. (best money I ever spent.) It did look kind of odd though when I drove the car and hadcolor_0380_Bikram_yoga them all hanging on the outside, staying anchored by all the extra straps I had installed. I must say though that I did not lose a single person on account of a sudden turn or quick acceleration. (in fact I lost six.)

I also managed to get to a few hot Yoga sessions to keep the body toasty and limber, and the mind relaxed. (It was a bit of a ways from my house to this fellow’s studio but well worth it. While there I even had a free acupuncture treatment – from him jabbing me with a pitchfork of some kind.)

All-in-all I guess the best way to escape the cold is to actually escape the cold. Get on a plane and head to a beach somewhere warm (and thong acceptable.) Then sit back and let the warm ocean breezes float against your cheeks.

I’d better start collecting those air-miles because this time next year I am so out of here. As it stands now I have enough air-miles to get me to Buffalo,  which is not good. I believe that the average citizen there has at least 12 layers of clothing and nine layers of people needed to keep one warm.

Unfortunately, my budget only allows for ten layers of clothing,  and with all the lawsuits I’m down to only two people huddled around me to keep me warm. (at least they’re Sumo wrestlers so I’m still fairly comfortable.)

Stay warm! Spring is on the way!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Open Wide. This Won’t Hurt A Bit. Seriously.

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What’s the one place most people do not like to visit? (other than the IRS?). Why, the dentist of course! Just thinking about those drills and needles makes my skin crawl. And don’t even mention root canals to me. I’ve had five already and I’m still in therapy. (i can’t look at or even eat a root vegetable; exposed roots of trees makes me shudder and I flunked out on math because they wanted the square root of so many numbers!) Even walking past the ‘Roots’ clothing store makes me break out in a cold sweat. Still, when you have a problem you have to go, right?  Fortunately for me my dentist is a nice guy, and very popular with his patients (those that are still alive and able to eat more than just Jello) He even once tried tickling me to ease the stress, but I don’t tickle as I have no funny bone. (odd coming from a cartoonist, wouldn’tcolor_0443_tooth_ferry you say?)

So, for my most recent visit he had to resort to more drastic measures to take my mind off of what he was about to do. He actually hired someone to come in and tell me the story of the ‘Tooth Fairy’, This was very kinf of him and I soon felt warm and fuzzy allover. Then he went to work. I was ready. I was pumped. I was completely drugged! (but happy in story-land)

As he probed I started to think if it was color_0296_hannibalsomething I ate that brought on all these cavities and subsequent root canals.

I don’t really have a sweet tooth so what could it be?

Maybe I don’t brush or floss enough. (flossing would certainly help me to get rid of the stuff between my teeth from this fellows recipe. Although how does this instructor even floss -let alone eat – with that thing over his mouth anyway?)

I wonder if cannibals ever need to floss?

And, if they do, how odd it must feel to pull out part of your uncle Fred from between your teeth. Creepy. But I’ll bet their cavity rate is low as there’s color_0377_cannibalno sugar in their diet to rot the teeth, unless they just ate their honey. (think about that one for a sec.)

My dentist finished up by saying all is good. He then helped dab the tears from my eyes before working on unclenching my fists.Then he commented on that he feels bad about inflicting pain on people all the time and maybe a new line of work might be the way to go. I suggested

color_0640_wisdom_toothhe try politics (shoving taxes down peoples’ throats and getting them to pay is like pulling teeth, right?) or maybe a less stressful job such as a window store mannequin. You just sit there all day in the display window having people stare at you in a nice suit (or undergarments depending on what you are promoting.) What could be more relaxing? Well, lying on a beach in the Cayman islands with a drink in your hand, and the surf at your feet would be more calming for sure. Plus, if he were to do this he could keep a much closer eye on his off-shore account (s) .

Now there’s a thought he can really sink his teeth into.

 

It’s All You Can Eat Day Here At Our Comedic Diner.

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We here at Mustard and Boloney’s cartoon diner continually search the world over looking for tasty dishes to introduce to you, our dear devoted patrons. Our criteria for this exotic food is a simple one: it must be low in calories, high in protein, and guaranteed to fill the stomach sans indigestion.  And, as Alexandre is from Quebec (and speaks fluent French) and I from Ontario (and speak fluent Ontarian) then it’s great to offer up something in at least two languages!

As mentioned we try to limit our use of calorie-laden carbohydrates for those watching their waste-lines. And for those eschewing meat our vegetarian dishes are to just die for! (I, Mustard am a vegetarian whereas Boloney, is not)

Alexandre (Boloney) thinks I am a little crazy for giving up meat and I think he’s a little odd being named after a popular luncheon meat. (though the spelling is different) What were his parents thinking anyway?

Maybe they foresaw that in the future he would team up with a Mustard-loving writer; one who would make sure their son would at least eat his vegetables along with all that meat. I mean without me he wouldn’t have broccoli and legume gas!!  (thank heavens he lives over 500 kilometers away in another city)

At our diner we use only the finest in state-of-the art cookware too. No half-measures and  no teflon-coated pans used here. (a watched pot never boils and our friend here is making sure that’s true; no wonder he needs help)

And, we use only the finest seasonings known to man (and a few that are not) to spice up ourcolor_0343_rack signature dishes. (yes, we sign our name onto every dish that leaves our gourmet kitchen).

We do this because when people say ‘bite me’ to us we quickly reply that they already have.

As you can plainly see Alexandre doesn’t require the use of a hair net. (This came about after his barber ate at our diner but couldn’t afford to pay the bill, complaining about getting scalped). Alexandre decided to get ‘free’ haircuts for a year as opposed to making the poor fellow do the dishes. So now Boloneythe only thing that Alexandre drops into what he cooks is humorous anecdotes. (that’s why people leave our restaurant smiling, happy, and loaded with laughing gas.)

 

 

 

 

 

Well, the lunch crowd is making their way into our diner so I have to go and make some French fries. (the old-fashioned way). It seems that’s one of our most popular side-dishes! (we do bake not fry them as to be calorie conscious.)

Remember, the meat of our offerings is humor, complemented by a side order of irreverence, and all manner of situations and subjects. We are happy to create the delicious ‘aha’ moment with every meal. Thinking outside the icebox is mandatory in this diner, and some dishes may cause you to stand on your head and think, “So that’s what it all going to cost. They’re panels are very affordable indeed!”

Bon appetite!

What Comes Next After…..Ah, Well…… You Know?

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DEATH. Now there’s an attention grabber if I ever wrote one. It’s a fascinating subject and people throughout the ages have often wondered what exactly comes next.

Take this fellow here who clearly feels very optimistic about his afterlife. His idea of heaven definitely involves taking in all those network pay-per-view programs, (ones he could never afford while alive) now for free! And unlimited!! (I’m sure God has access to everything – including HBO and his streaming speeds must be out of this world!) The guy in the coffin can now relax and watch ‘The Walking Dead’ he’s heard so much about. (It would probably royally screw up his day if he  – in fact – turned into said Zombie or went to Hell).

As for me I feel that once it’s over, it’s over. So you’d better enjoy it now while you can.

Why do they call ‘him’ the Grim reaper anyway? It’s not like we ever see his face hidden inside that robe of his. Maybe he’s a happy sort who has things to do just like the rest of us. His job just happens to be a little different, agreed, but hey, somebody’s got to do it. Right? (at least with that robe on he won’t need strength 50 sunblock. We wouldn’t want his bones to be tanned now would we? And, I’m sure he’s wearing a thong under there. Just saying.)

Interestingly in 1934 a film was made entitled: ‘Death Takes A Holiday’. It starred Frederick March (an excellent actor) as the ‘Grim Reaper’ himself. The premise of the picture was that he (Devil) takes on human form for a few days to walk amongst the living to find out why they fear him and dying so much. Duh. He needn’t have gone to all that trouble. He should have simply gotten a paying  job at the NSA and taken it from there.

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Friends? Well, I’d say he has a few at least, although I doubt they serf. (Here they’re enjoying a few brews and discussing how a turkey like ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ ever got made.)

 

When I go I want it to be a joyous occasion; one not marred by the fact I’ll never write another noteworthy or humourous post again. (some readers are probably praying for that right now).

As Woody Allen says, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

I say just pack me in water when my time comes! We began in the sea and back to the sea we go. (although, I can’t swim so I’m liable to drown, again)

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Actually when an environmentalist such as myself does eventually go I’ve asked for an eco-friendly burial. This is where you are simply placed into a sack (no chemicals added – especially aspartame) and buried in the forest. Instead of a marker, wildflowers are planted.

Oh, and make sure the remote control is tossed in with me.(it’s in my will)  I wouldn’t want to miss an important game.

As Bill Shankly so aptly said, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.”

You think?

 

Our New Book ‘Butt Seriously’, Seriously Entertains.

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Our book cover

Our new book entitled, “Butt Seriously, has sold out its first run! (I have a new batch on order and they should be here within a day or so). Thanks to the many of you that have purchased, not only for yourselves but for your friends as well.

One person from Australia ordered 4 books! I hand-signed each one as I do for all copies ordered through our website. (I have yet to dab real mustard into any book but am definitely contemplating it. For now though, it’s my signature and a choice phrase).

And, what cartoons have tasted the best for our readers you may ask? Why all of them of course!  I have received e-mails and letters from people expressing their enjoyment of the book, and maybe a cartoon that stood out for them. John from California wrote (via letter), “Really enjoyed the cartoon book. Saw it on Bizarro’s (he wrote Pizarro, but I won’t tell Dan) blog and ordered it. Keep up the good work!” John didn’t say exactly what his favourite panel was so let’s assume it’s this one as it takes place in sunny California. (where one could get a little wrinkled if left out in the sun too long.)

 

 

 

This e-mail I received from Hiren who lives right here in Toronto, only a short drive from my own home. Hiren wrote, “From the few cartoons that I went through on your website, they were

indeed clever and right up my alley. Re: humour wise.” She then ordered a book and loved it! Thanks Hiren.

Joesphine – who also lives in Toronto – enjoyed the book immensely. One of her favourite cartoons was this one of a ‘not-so-free-willy’.

Macs from Michigan writes: “I love it! Not just the toons, but the format, colour, and –  this may be a qwerk of mine- the feel of the cover.”

And, you may ask, what is Dan Piraro’s (Bizarros) favourite cartoon? Well, he seemed to like them all, so-much-so in fact that he felt compelled to write the forward to the book. Thanks Dan for your kind words. (as a sneek peak at a cartoon from our next book, I sent this one about Harry Potter to Dan for an opinion. He loved it and this panel instantly became one of his favourites. He even commented about it on his blog.)

 

 

Now you’re probably wondering what is my personal favourite out of all of the cartoons that have been completed to date. Well, I love them all but one stands out for me. It’s actually the one on the cover of the book. (here it is without all the writing covering it.)

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Now this cartoon came to me while I was standing outside a store that had an ice machine in front of it. It just ‘popped’ into my head. I immediately wrote it down and sent it to Alexandre to add his artistic genius. And he did! In my version I didn’t have the patient – that was Alexander’s idea to add him. Perfection!!!

An interesting aside to this story is that when my brother-in-law went in to have surgery to remove some cancer (successful I might add) I had this cartoon printed onto a hospital gown, and he wore it into the operating room! It gave everyone a laugh. He even wore it during his entire hospital stay and everyone on the floor came in to see it. Indeed, laughter is the best medicine no matter what these two bozos think!

 

So, thanks again to all who have ordered our book thus far and to those contemplating an order I say, “When hungry for humour order our book and eat a page a day. It’s also a great source of roughage as well.”

Pass the mustard.

Bon appetit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Year Older, But Wiser?

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Well dear readers, this week is an interesting one because as I look at the calender I notice that it’s my (insert age here) birthday week. And just like our aging planet Earth (over 4.5 billion years and counting) I too am starting to feel a bit rusty in spots, a touch weak in the eyes, and no longer can I digest 12 corn chili dogs in one sitting. (and we won’t even discuss my hair loss although compared to Alexandre I think I’m doing pretty good.)

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(I’m on the left; Alexandre is on the right)

 

 

 

At my (insert age here) stage of life perhaps I should book an appointment with my family doctor andcolor_0132_heavy_metals get a complete physical. You know, check under the hood, so to speak.

 

 

(As a kid I did happen to swallow some loose change once that I found under a couch pillow, and as of yet it has not been accounted for)

 

 

 

But, that’s not for a lack of effort on my part. Maybe too much effort in fact.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually, I’ll probably need all that loose change  – and more – as retirement looms somewhere over a distant horizon. (perhaps I should start swallowing a dollar a day now and with any luck – and allot of compound interest – I might just be okay)

Only drawback to that is weight gain. (I’ll just tell people I’m banking on my future and that once I’m retired then watch out for rapid weight loss!)

Fortunately, I pleased to report, I still have my funny bone (now where did I put that thing – oh

there it is holding up my open window), and along with Alexandre’s fabulous artistry, we will continue to hopefully bring a smile to your face, and put a song in your heart. (actually for that last part I’d need to get Katy Perry to assist as neither Alexandre nor I can hold a tune.)

And, I guess I should start doing more Sudokos to keep that brain in tip-top shape. (now where did I leave that thing again?)

Laughter is indeed the best medicine no matter what a couple of clowns like Alexandre and I say. (I’m the clown on the left of course as he has more hair)color_0335_headstone

I plan on laughing right up until the end (unless it happens when I’m in a movie theatre watching an Adam Sandler picture then I’ll be definitely going out crying).

 

On my tombstone they should write something like, “Here lies Mustard. He never could tell the truth.”

Now, I’m off for chocolate cake (let’s hope it’s a money cake) and vanilla ice cream with sprinkles!

Bon Appetit.