Category Archives: wordplay

Mustard and Boloney Make Amends. But Seriously!

Well, dear readers, you’ll recall that in last weeks post I talked about my granddaughter Maisy, and how she just loved reading Mustard and Boloney’s latest book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’. She loved it so much! In fact she’s ordered several more copies for friends at her day school. But, there was one thing that displeased her in that post. It was the line in which I referred to both of us needing to change our diapers before gazing at more cartoons. I wrote it as a sort of tongue-in-cheek bit of fun (me old; she young) but, well, she was not amused.

She called me up and mentioned that as she is now three she hasn’t in fact worn diapers in a very long time. I explained my reasoning and that our fans loved the post. Silence crept through the phone. “I appreciate your humour Grandpa and although witty – I too smiled for a moment – it was not entirely accurate as to my current bathroom needs.” (are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?) “Oh. ah, what can I do to make it up to you,” I asked. Silence again then, “I’ll think on it, but keep an eye on your inbox”. Then the phone went dead. I immediately went out and meditated trying to remain calm. (Breathe Mustard. Breathe.)

Upon returning home later – and feeling a touch more relaxed – I found this in my in box with a note saying, “Here is a picture of myself, my older brother (Isaac) and my younger sister (Gemma). As you can clearly see Gemma is the one needing diapers. If you could post this I would appreciate it”

Whew! Post a picture? I can do that. (I was worried she’d cancel her order for our books and maybe demand a kidney.)

I waited a day or so before calling her up to say that I had received the family picture, and it will definitely appear in my next post. Silence. Uh-oh, My heart skipped a beat. “Did you not open the other attachment to my message?” “Ah, no”, I sheepishly replied. More silence then “Just kidding gramps! Ha!! I had you going there, huh?” (She’ll never know just how close I came to using my home defibrillator.)

“I love you Maisy. You’re my special wee girl.” Silence again. (Thank heavens I didn’t power down the unit.) “Ah, gramps, are you talking about me having to wee wee again.”

“Heavens no,” I replied,

“it’s a Scottish term (as I am Scottish) that my mom used to use in place of the word ‘little’. You’re my special little granddaughter.”

“I’ll call you back, but first I need to check something in the dictionary.” With that, she hung up.

I instantly called my analyst to see is he could fit me in right away. (I should probably put him on speed dial.) I booked several hours for the following day.

Being a grandparent certainly keeps one on their toes. Uh, oh, is that my cell phone I hear ringing…………

(get your own copy of ‘Butt Seriously’ right here)

Mustard And Boloney’s Humour Spans The Ages. Any Age.

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This is my granddaughter Maisy (who incidentally just turned three). Notice the happy and ebullient smile! That’s because she just finished reading our latest – and greatest – Mustard and Boloney cartoon book entitled ‘Butt Seriously’. And she just loved it!! ( She sat on her butt the whole time while reading it. Unbelievable.)

She also told me that she just can’t wait for the sequel. (As for me, I can’t wait until she gets a job to be able to actually ‘pay’ for a book. Just kidding! All grandkids get one for free; they simply pay for shipping and handling. And since she lives in the Caribbean and I live in Canada that’s going to add up!)

MaIsy especially liked this particular cartoon. (She herself has an innie and if you poke it she giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy.)

She also drew this cartoon to my attention and asked me what it meant. I said if you have to ask what it means then you aren’t in ‘the club’. She said, if you’re referring to Mensa I get it. I just don’t know why you’re using an antiquated train example. Wouldn’t something along the lines of Quantum Physics have worked better and delivered a much bigger laugh for the reader?

(Geez, okay you’re shipping is free.)

I think my mistake was in getting her all those Albert Einstein books to read when she was younger and not that baby Einstein stuff her parents asked for. Who knew?

(I should have known something was up when she asked to see the film ‘The Theory of Everything’ , a film about Stephen Hawkin, as opposed to viewing ‘Paddington Bear.)

Maisy, while wearing her leopard pjamas and purple boa, pointed out to me this particular cartoon and said, “Quality work, gramps.”

Of course, since I’m old (ish), and my hearing being not as sharp as it once was, I thought she said ‘I can’t work, cramps’ . I quickly said it’s probably due to a lack of fiber, and suggested she eat more bran with flax.

She smiled at this, gave me a big hug then said “You’re crazy.” I said, “No, you’re Maisy; not me. She laughed out loud then poked at my ‘outtie’ belly button. I giggled. What a doll!

We each then went and changed our respective diapers before continuing to analyze further the humour of Mustard and Boloney.

Ah, to be young again.

Or, when dissecting Mustard and Boloney’s humour it’s good to be Jung again.

Get you copy of our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’ here.

Bon Appetit!

Spring Is In The Air! Not.

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Right about now – especially for Alexandre and myself – we are of the mindset that spring should be here instead of a couple more months of bitter cold. But, as our happy friend in this cartoon remarks it’s all in how you view it. (In Canada temperatures are in Celsius; if I convert it to Fahrenheit it would be warmer) Fair enough. I still view it as winter though AND I STILL WANT IT TO BE SPRING! There’s a reason they call this time the ‘dead of winter’. Not too much to do but hunker down inside the home, try to stay warm and keep taking vitamin D.

Even my cat Subira (who I have trained to go for walks on a leash) wants to be outside. She gets a bit antsy being cooped up inside during the coldest time of year but, what’s one to do? I do get her out when the weather co-operates but if it’s bitter cold and accompanied by a meter of snow then forget it! We stay inside, sipping hot drinks and playing chess. (how one can lose to a cat needs further explanation, and I’m not going to give it. I’m mocked enough by family, friends and neighbours – even the odd dog – so let it lie.)

Although losing three weeks in a row did eventually send me out into the frostbite to have a few drinks with some old friends at a local watering hole. At least there I seemed to be the happiest of the bunch. (one guy even lost to his parakeet at blackjack.)

Later that night on my way home from the pub I did bump into these happy-go-lucky guys. They seemed good with the cold and knew how to best roll with it. They offered to hoist me up onto their shoulders for a spin but I said I don’t monkey around after having a few drinks, and declined. They took it in stride and didn’t go totally ‘apeshit’ all over me.

Once back home I went to bed and dreamed of the approaching winter’s thaw. Next morning I awoke only to be surrounded by water! It seems Subira had poked a few holes in my water bed during the night and I had sprung a leak! (that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.)

Spring will be here soon enough and Subira and I will walk the streets again, basking in the heat. But in the meantime I’m thinking of taking a few on-line courses to ‘up my game’ so as not to keep losing to her.

Maybe I need to change games to , say, go fish. No, I have a hunch she’d be good at that too.

Stay warm!

Mustard Goes Bananas. Seriously!

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Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit. Why, you may ask? (so many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’

I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends. Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric? Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!

(notice my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)

If you find this a little unusual here is a picture of my wife and I. She goes around dressed like Pancho Villa a good bit of the time now. And, she’s even studying Spanish!

So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).

Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. (you can tell just how jammed-packed the place was by the crowd surrounding us) Anyway, we dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! (the judges were friends of Subira so I had plenty of treats to share).

One judged seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down allot, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later than I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture. from the garbage later that night.

I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party earlier that same month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein? (as I am a vegetarian)

Notice that the artistry is unmistakably the same! Yet they were given to me by two different people. Am I crazy or is that even possible? Can two distinct people have the exact same drawing style?

I immediately phoned up Alexandre as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen (except maybe with twins) but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy someone elses style. So both cartoons must be the work of just one man.

“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”

There was a lengthy silence on the phone.

Alexandre finally spoke up and added, ‘If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person. and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”

If he only knew.

Bon Appetit!

Our Butts May Be Cold But Our Book Is So Warm. Seriously!

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Boloney (Alexandre Rouillard) and I (Jeffrey Caulfield) live in Canada where the winters can be a touch cold; very cold indeed! It doesn’t bother us much as we are used to it but our new book ‘Butt Seriously‘ can’t take the chill. So, it’s decided to visit a much warmer climate for a couple of months until the spring returns.

(the guy on the left is not dressed too warm for the cold either. His cheeks are so frosty!)

Our good friend Kathy and her husband took pity on our chilly book so they decided to take it on a grand tour of the American south west. Here it is on the back of their RV (it’s hard to make out but those are Arizona license plates.)

I think Kathy was having a bit too much Tequila when she took this out-of-focus picture. Our book looks a bit blurry-eyed as well.

But, our Butt’s (Seriously) book is at least nice and warm. It’s good to see it out enjoying itself on the open road, with the wind rustling through it’s pages as the scenery flies past. Who knows, someone may spot it and want a copy of their own.

(get your copy here)

I do hope if it does fall off the back of their vehicle that it doesn’t land too hard and sit neglected on the interstate.

If it does I can only hope these two characters will scoop it up and take it under their protective wing, as they appear to like good humour.

And our book, ‘Butt Seriously’ is definitely that!

Actually, Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) was kind enough to write the forward to our humorous tome. (While out on his porch one day he happened to see it fly off of the back of an RV -a different trip – and land in his front yard.) Upon reading it he immediately felt the need to comment on its contents. He states, “The real art of cartooning is to create a compelling illustration that facilitates a compelling gag. Caulfield and Rouillard are the most shining example of this unique combination I have seen in some time.”

Thanks Dan! (and we’re so glad our book didn’t bounce of off your well-manicured lawn and break a window).

If it did you might have had us put ‘on the rack’.

Of course by doing that would have only meant that our humour would be stretched that much further, and less cartoons would have been needed to be placed into the book. Ha!

As I write this it is snowy and cold outside. But inside I feel warm all over knowing our book is getting a tan on a tablecloth of stars! (plus writing this while sitting in my infrared sauna helps me feel toasty too.) Thanks Kathy!!

So, why not get your own copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously‘ and take it out for a little trip? If you do make sure it’s buckled in good and tight.

And, if camping or hiking our book comes in very handy. You can eat a page a day for that much-needed humour (and roughage), or use a page a day for un-needed ah, well, you know?

Butt Seriously!!!!!

(get your copy here now)

Out With The Old And In With The New.

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Well, Christmas has come and gone for another year. I hope Santa was good to you all. And, just what did I get from the Jolly one you ask? Books. Lots of books. As an avid reader I do enjoy a good book and this time I actually got an actual e-reader to read them on. Usually Santa drops down my chimney with a sack of thick books each Christmas (and on New Years eve he always checks into the Mayo clinic for a much-needed hernia operation) but this time my texts are all virtual! The big guy was so pleased because now he can ring in the New Year just like the rest of us, instead of from a hospital bed wondering when that enima he took (pre-operation) is going to kick in. I am happy as well as now I won’t have to walk around like Quasimodo from the weight of having to carry so many hardcovers around. (I never knew I was actually 6 feet tall until just now)

So, what will you be doing on the night of the 31st? Perhaps going out for a drink with friends? Or maybe your heading out trying to make new friends? Either way you are out on the town hopefully having more fun than a barrel full of monkeys! (for some reason it has to be a barrel; they’re simply no fun in a cardboard box)

You may even be in the mood to dance. When Kong here dances everyone dances because if you don’t you’ll end up as his toe jam. King is surprisingly light on his feet – all four of them – and has danced with the best (beast?) of them: Rodan, Godzilla, Monthra, Gamera and even a giant leech, just to name a few.

Fay Wray was his initial dance partner but his two-step meant she had to do 95 steps which proved too overwhelming so she retired.

If you do plan on heading out on the town then please drink responsibly.

Make sure you have cab fare and no where you live (sew it into your underwear if necessary; your address not the money)

But, what’s a person to do if one finds themselves like our friend here, naked and exposed? (maybe a henna tattoo of your address on your chest might help).

Well, whatever you plan to do have a great time. Alexandre (Boloney) and myself (Mustard) want to wish you all the best for 2015. And, we hope you’ll keep coming back to our comedic diner for one of our signature tasty dishes; ones filled with your daily allotment of humour, irreverence and the odd pickle.

Bon Appetit !!!!

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly!

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‘Tis the season to be Jolly! (and for those of you who are not named Jolly, what were your parents thinking anyway?) Although with a name like Frank, Joan or Samuel I hope you can still have somewhat of a reasonably good time as Christmas is definitely near. (I think it falls on the 25th this year if I’m not mistaken).

And, let’s hope when Santa does drop by your place he leaves more than just this ‘Elfie’ card under your tree.

(note: Santa is lactose intolerant so maybe leave out some almond milk with those – did I mention gluten free? – cookies.)

As well, when you write Santa you may want to include directions to your home because with cutbacks being the way there are he may not make it. Sure, he may have GPS but visiting the entire world on a single battery charge is risky; very risky indeed. At least when he had Rudolph he could slip him a Red Bull or something if fatigue was kicking in.

Oh, and remember to also clean out your chimney. We can’t have the big guy hurt himself or get stuck for any length of time. And please do not have a fire going. Santa’s ‘cheeks’ are rosy enough as it is! (according to Mrs. Clause anyway)

HISTORY NOTE:

When Santa first arrived on our shores he had only two reindeer with him. (hence for that first Christmas he only visited 5 homes – all on the same street.) But, over the years he accumulated more – horsepower? – and found that nine seemed to be just enough to get the job done.

He did have thousands of reindeer apply but only a handful of those applicants could actually fly. Many said they could get high (aha) but when push came to shove they simply landed on their backsides when leaving a rooftop.

Oh, many other types of animals applied. In point of fact our red-suited fellow did consider a species known as ‘Google drone’ but found that people thought they were UFO’s (especially near area 51) and felt that they might suddenly be abducted, and rectal-probed. So, he abandoned that idea.

He also found that monkeys just wanted to party all the time and not actually deliver anything to anyone so they too did not make the final cut.

Rest assured though that Santa is on top of his game. He knows if you’ve been good or bad, happy or sad – or just plain ticked off. (having an off-season part-time job with the NSA really helps) He’s also got all your information stored on the cloud; one that he flies to twice a week to update his files.

So, here’s hoping you get (as Bing Crosby sings) a white Christmas. But, unfortunately with global warming it just might be something a touch different. If it gets any warmer Santa may just have to visit your place in a thong as that suit of his is way too bulky and warm. And those reindeer will undoutedly need shades – a la Blues Brothers – to cut down on the glare.

Happy holidays and be Jolly!

At least for a day. Then go back to using your own name.

What Comes Next After…..Ah, Well…… You Know?

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DEATH. Now there’s an attention grabber if I ever wrote one. It’s a fascinating subject and people throughout the ages have often wondered what exactly comes next.

Take this fellow here who clearly feels very optimistic about his afterlife. His idea of heaven definitely involves taking in all those network pay-per-view programs, (ones he could never afford while alive) now for free! And unlimited!! (I’m sure God has access to everything – including HBO and his streaming speeds must be out of this world!) The guy in the coffin can now relax and watch ‘The Walking Dead’ he’s heard so much about. (It would probably royally screw up his day if he – in fact – turned into said Zombie or went to Hell).

As for me I feel that once it’s over, it’s over. So you’d better enjoy it now while you can.

Why do they call ‘him’ the Grim reaper anyway? It’s not like we ever see his face hidden inside that robe of his. Maybe he’s a happy sort who has things to do just like the rest of us. His job just happens to be a little different, agreed, but hey, somebody’s got to do it. Right? (at least with that robe on he won’t need strength 50 sunblock. We wouldn’t want his bones to be tanned now would we? And, I’m sure he’s wearing a thong under there. Just saying.)

Interestingly in 1934 a film was made entitled: ‘Death Takes A Holiday’. It starred Frederick March (an excellent actor) as the ‘Grim Reaper’ himself. The premise of the picture was that he (Devil) takes on human form for a few days to walk amongst the living to find out why they fear him and dying so much. Duh. He needn’t have gone to all that trouble. He should have simply gotten a paying job at the NSA and taken it from there.

Friends? Well, I’d say he has a few at least, although I doubt they serf. (Here they’re enjoying a few brews and discussing how a turkey like ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ ever got made.)

When I go I want it to be a joyous occasion; one not marred by the fact I’ll never write another noteworthy or humourous post again. (some readers are probably praying for that right now).

As Woody Allen says, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

I say just pack me in water when my time comes! We began in the sea and back to the sea we go. (although, I can’t swim so I’m liable to drown, again)

Actually when an environmentalist such as myself does eventually go I’ve asked for an eco-friendly burial. This is where you are simply placed into a sack (no chemicals added – especially aspartame) and buried in the forest. Instead of a marker, wildflowers are planted.

Oh, and make sure the remote control is tossed in with me.(it’s in my will) I wouldn’t want to miss an important game.

As Bill Shankly so aptly said, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.”

You think?

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend Me Your Ears!

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There’s obviously no denying we live in a visual world. The eyes absorb all everywhere you look. But, what of our other senses? What are they taking in? Are they being utilized to their fullest? (the other senses being: hearing, smell, taste and touch)

Our potato friend here clearly has needs but is anyone in his immediate vicinity really listening? (that fellow bottom left looks like he’s reading on an i-pad) Maybe if Mr. Head flashed a giant banner or had dancing French fries behind him he would garnish more attention. As it is, he’s virtually invisible.

Most humans strictly rely on their sight – first and foremost – for just about everything, whereas a dog, for example, interprets the world predominantly by sense of smell. Can you imagine relying just on your nose to understand the world around you? A dog’s sense of smell can be as much as 10,000,000 times more sensitive than us human’s. Whoa! (maybe that’s why we – as a species – started showering daily. Poor Fido couldn’t stand us!)

And, just when was the last time you could smell a friend approaching from six blocks away?

Also, what of hearing? I SAID WHAT OF HEARING! Good, now that I’ve got you listening try and imagine living in a world without your eyes for a moment.

I used to work in radio as a producer and ones sense of hearing becomes greatly attuned to the job at hand. They become your eyes. An orchestra conductor, for example, knows when someone isn’t playing a piece properly, not by sight – as that violinist he’s looking at could be going through the right movements – but rather by sound (the hearing -or not hearing – of the correct notes.)

Our woodsy friend here (hear?) needs a sympathetic and knowledgeable ear to air a certain problem. What if the psychiatrist was not listening but instead doing Suduko as our trunk talked?

Our poor tree would then feel like a sap (ling) wouldn’t he?

I always find it interesting to watch how my cat approaches something new. (be it food or a toy for example) She first sees it – true – but then cautiously moves in for a sniff and then a light touch with her paw. If it’s food she’ll then taste it. If it makes a sudden sound she’ll jump sky high! She rolls through all her senses before deeming things okay. She doesn’t just trust her eyes. (this is her checking out a water bottle while undoing a knot – such talent! Houdini would be proud).

So, take a moment and go outside without your cell phone, family, friends, clothes or even your pet. Then simply close your eyes and listen. Let all your other senses bring in the world to you. Listen for sounds. Smell the air. Feel the breeze embrace you. If it’s snowing stick out your tongue and taste a snowflake. Or try this: take a single strawberry for example. Study it with your eyes then roll it between you fingers. Listen to the sound it makes when you rub it. Then bring it close and give it a good sniff before popping it into your mouth. It’s quite an amazing concept really and one we tend to overlook.

Most of us are always in a hurry. We see the strawberry, pop it in and gone. It looked good but…….

Savour the moment (s) before it’s gone.

Hey, I just had a great idea: I think I’ll make my next post a ‘scratch ‘n’ sniff’ one. I’m so on it!

Which Came First. The Chicken Or The Egg?

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Being a cartoonist is a lot of fun and I enjoy making people smile, roar out loud, or just plain howl at the moon with laughter. But, I am often asked which comes first: the idea (captions etc.) or the drawing? In other words which comes first: the chicken or the egg?

I like to think that all depends on the surface. If it is a downhill race then definitely the egg will come first. But, rather, if it is an uphill course or on level playing field then I’m afraid our poor egg will always be second to the swift – and possibly tasty – chicken.

All kidding aside I imagine that all depends on the cartoonist. Mustard and Boloney cartoons are not just created by one individual. I (Mustard) tend to come up with the ideas, captions etc. and then type them out. Then, cartoonist extraordinaire Alexandre Rouillard (Boloney) takes those bare bones, bits of flesh and hair, and turns them into a full-fledged up-right human. His talent for turning scant bits of verbal information into a single panel of pure gold is amazing!

At times we need a little back and forth (maybe I change the line now that I see it drawn or perhaps it needs a slight visual tweak) before you have a finished cartoon. But, not that often!!

Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) who wrote the forward to our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’ has this to say about Alexandre’s artistry: “The art in this book speaks for itself. It is a perfect balance or realism and exaggeration, humour and pathos, in a style that harkens back to the golden age of Playboy, but without the tits. Rouillard has mastered something that takes even the most talented cartoonists years to achieve.”

Actually, working with Alexandre involves another interesting twist: we don’t even live in the same city! He lives in Montreal and I live in Toronto. (we are about an 8 hour drive apart)

But, with modern technology that problem is easily overcome. Can you imagine if we were cartoonists back in the days of imperial Rome? I would create the idea then write it out with a quill pen before mailing it. Months later when it arrived at Alexandres, he would open it – laugh of course – and proceed to draw. Then he would send it back to me for possible tweaking. Then back to him for the changes. So, at that rate we would probably have done one – maybe two – cartoons a year! The world needs our humour faster than that!! (Caesar might not have been stabbed by so many had they all had a little more humour in their lives.)

So, if you’d like a joke a day – one containing all of your comedic calories minus the salt – then look no further than our Mustard and Boloney diner. You could also purchase a copy of our latest book here and enjoy its contents over a plate of fried eggs or chicken, depending on who lost the race.

Bon appetit!

Mustard and Boloney Cartoons

Humorous Single Panel Cartoons

Category Archives: wordplay

Mustard and Boloney Make Amends. But Seriously!

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Mustard And Boloney’s Humour Spans The Ages. Any Age.

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Spring Is In The Air! Not.

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Mustard Goes Bananas. Seriously!

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Our Butts May Be Cold But Our Book Is So Warm. Seriously!

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Out With The Old And In With The New.

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What Comes Next After…..Ah, Well…… You Know?

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Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend Me Your Ears!

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Which Came First. The Chicken Or The Egg?

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