Yes, dear readers, that is I. Mustard. And yes, I am wearing a giant banana suit in my living room. Why, you ask? (So many have, from my neighbours all the way to the zoo monkey who wanted to ‘peel’ me.) To that question posed I say ‘why not!’
I mean it’s not like I look like this every day of the week. I wear it every second day of the week and all day on the weekends. Does this make me crazy? Possibly. Eccentric? Perhaps. A purveyor of potassium and electrolytes? Damn straight!
(Take notice that my cat Subira is at the bottom left corner checking me out.)
If you find this a little unusual here is a picture of my wife and I. She goes around dressed like Pancho Villa a good bit of the time now. And, 
she’s even studying Spanish! Oh, no!
So, half the time i don’t know what she’s saying anymore, and the other half of the time I’m asleep (as it is nighttime).
Actually, the real reason we look like this is that we were recently asked out to a costume party at a neighbour’s house. We dressed to the nines and I won first prize in the dance contest! I showed the judges all my moves (on paper first) before I let loose. All I can say is they were in awe. Their mouths hung open for what seemed like an eternity. I had them eating out of my hand! Then we all swung from the chandelier. Seriously!
One judge seemed aloof and studied me very carefully. Also, he kept looking down a lot of the time, apparently making plenty of notes. Actually, it was only later that I learned he was in fact drawing something. I managed to retrieve this picture from the garbage later that night when no one was looking.
I compared this picture with one I had received from someone else while attending another party in the previous month. Are they trying to suggest something? Are they intimating I need my head examined? Or, is their message something subliminal like I should eat more nuts for the protein – as I am a vegetarian – instead of injesting so many over-ripe bananas?
Notice that the 
artistry is unmistakably the same! Yet they were given to me by two different people. Am I crazy or is that even possible? Can two distinct people have the exact same drawing style?
I immediately phoned up Alexandre (Boloney) as he is the artistic genius behind Mustard and Boloney cartoons. I posed my dilemma. He said that can never happen – except maybe with twins – but that he himself often copies his own unique style to place into the next fresh cartoon we create. That’s what great artists do. But we never copy another person’s style. So both cartoons must be the work of just one individual.
“Interesting”, I said. “So it would seem that this cartoonist is a master of physical disguise but cannot mask his artistic tendencies. His style is like a genetic fingerprint.”
There was a lengthy silence on the phone.
Alexandre finally spoke up and added, “If you ate more bananas your vision would improve as they are a great source of Vitamin A. By doing that you would have clearly seen that these two cartoons could only be the work of the same person, and not that imaginary extra one in your head.”
An a-peeling thought. If he only knew.
Bon Appetit!
Sales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather.)
Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!
If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.
(and read our book)
If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of marble cheese.
(and read our book)
If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both those houses and tear down that fence!
(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)
Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like: your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (actually, I would infinitely prefer the plaque over Kim’s recitation of the immortal ‘Bard’s’ words.)
Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right? (or take up juggling.)
So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!
Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?
But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.
So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. I’ve also been told it’s a great source of much needed roughage as well. (better than bran.)
By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.
(and isn’t that definitely better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)
Bon appetit!
(get your copy of our book here; I hand-sign every copy ordered!)
Well, dear readers, you’ll recall that in last weeks post I talked about my granddaughter Maisy, and how she just loved reading Mustard and Boloney’s latest book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’. She loved it so much! In fact she’s ordered several more copies for friends at her day school. But, there was one thing that displeased her in that post. It was the line in which I referred to both of us needing to change our diapers before gazing at more cartoons. I wrote it as a sort of tongue-in-cheek bit of fun (me old; she young) but, well, she was not amused.
She called me up and mentioned that as she is now three she hasn’t in fact worn diapers in a very long time. I explained my reasoning and that our fans loved the post. Silence crept through the phone. “I appreciate your humour Grandpa and although witty – I too smiled for a moment – it was not entirely accurate as to my current bathroom needs.” (are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?) “Oh. ah, what can I do to make it up to you,” I asked. Silence again then, “I’ll think on it, but keep an eye on your inbox”. Then the phone went dead. I immediately went out and meditated trying to remain calm. (Breathe Mustard. Breathe.)
Upon returning home later – and feeling a touch more relaxed – I found this in my in box with a note saying, “Here is a picture of myself, my older brother (Isaac) and my younger sister (Gemma). As you can clearly see Gemma is the one needing diapers. If you could post this I would appreciate it”
Whew! Post a picture? I can do that. (I was worried she’d cancel her order for our books and maybe demand a kidney.)
I waited a day or so before calling her up to say that I had received the family picture, and it will definitely appear in my next post. Silence. Uh-oh, My heart skipped a beat. “Did you not open the other attachment to my message?” “Ah, no”, I sheepishly replied. More silence then “Just kidding gramps! Ha!! I had you going there, huh?” (She’ll never know just how close I came to using my home defibrillator.)
“I love you Maisy. You’re my special wee girl.” Silence again. (Thank heavens I didn’t power down the unit.) “Ah, gramps, are you talking about me having to wee wee again.”
“Heavens no,” I replied,
“it’s a Scottish term (as I am Scottish) that my mom used to use in place of the word ‘little’. You’re my special little granddaughter.”
“I’ll call you back, but first I need to check something in the dictionary.” With that, she hung up.
I instantly called my analyst to see is he could fit me in right away. (I should probably put him on speed dial.) I booked several hours for the following day.
Being a grandparent certainly keeps one on their toes. Uh, oh, is that my cell phone I hear 
ringing…………
(get your own copy of ‘Butt Seriously’ right here)
There’s obviously no denying we live in a visual world. The eyes absorb all everywhere you look. But, what of our other senses? What are they taking in? Are they being utilized to their fullest? (the other senses being: hearing, smell, taste and touch)
Our potato friend here clearly has needs but is anyone in his immediate vicinity really listening? (that fellow bottom left looks like he’s reading on an i-pad) Maybe if Mr. Head flashed a giant banner or had dancing French fries behind him he would garnish more attention. As it is, he’s virtually invisible.
Most humans strictly rely on their sight – first and foremost – for just about everything, whereas
a dog, for example, interprets the world predominantly by sense of smell. Can you imagine relying just on your nose to understand the world around you? A dog’s sense of smell can be as much as 10,000,000 times more sensitive than us human’s. Whoa! (maybe that’s why we – as a species – started showering daily. Poor Fido couldn’t stand us!)
And, just when was the last time you could smell a friend approaching from six blocks away?
Also, what of hearing? I SAID WHAT OF HEARING! Good, now that I’ve got you listening try and imagine living in a world without your eyes for a moment.
I used to work in radio as a producer and ones sense of hearing becomes greatly attuned to the job at hand. They become your eyes. An orchestra conductor, for example, knows when someone isn’t playing a piece properly, not by sight – as that violinist he’s looking at could be going through the right movements – but rather by sound (the hearing -or not hearing – of the correct notes.)
Our woodsy friend here (hear?) needs a sympathetic and knowledgeable ear to air a certain problem. What
if the psychiatrist was not listening but instead doing Suduko as our trunk talked?
Our poor tree would then feel like a sap (ling) wouldn’t he?
I always find it interesting to watch how my cat approaches something new. (be it food or a toy for example) She first sees it – true – but then cautiously moves in for a sniff and then a light touch with her paw. If it’s food she’ll then taste it. If it 
makes a sudden sound she’ll jump sky high! She rolls through all her senses before deeming things okay. She doesn’t just trust her eyes. (this is her checking out a water bottle while undoing a knot – such talent! Houdini would be proud).
So, take a moment and go outside without your cell phone, family, friends, clothes or even your pet. Then simply close your eyes and listen. Let all your other senses bring in the world to you. Listen for sounds. Smell the air. Feel the breeze embrace you. If it’s snowing stick out your tongue and taste a snowflake. Or try this: take a
single strawberry for example. Study it with your eyes then roll it between you fingers. Listen to the sound it makes when you rub it. Then bring it close and give it a good sniff before popping it into your mouth. It’s quite an amazing concept really and one we tend to overlook.
Most of us are always in a hurry. We see the strawberry, pop it in and gone. It looked good but…….
Savour the moment (s) before it’s gone.
Hey, I just had a great idea: I think I’ll make my next post a ‘scratch ‘n’ sniff’ one. I’m so on it!
Sales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather)
Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!
If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.
(and read our book)
If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of cheese.
(and read our book)
If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both houses and tear down that fence!
(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)
Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like: your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (although for us city dwellers it would be more like raccoons than insects).
Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right?
So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!
Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?
But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.
So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book (here) and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. It’s a great source of much needed roughage as well!
By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.
(and isn’t that better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)
Bon appetit!
