Category Archives: work

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly!

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‘Tis the season to be Jolly! (and for those of you who are not named Jolly, what were your parents thinking anyway?)  Although with a name like Frank, Joan or Samuel I hope you can still have somewhat of a reasonably good time as Christmas is definitely near. (I think it falls on the 25th this year if I’m not mistaken).

And, let’s hope when Santa does drop by your place he leaves more than just this ‘Elfie’ card under your tree.

(note: Santa is lactose intolerant so maybe leave out some almond milk with those – did I mention gluten free? – cookies.)

As well, when you write Santa you may want to include directions to your home because with cutbacks being the way there are he may not make it. Sure, he may have GPS but visiting the entire world on a single battery charge is risky; very risky indeed. At least when he had Rudolph he could slip him a Red Bull or something if fatigue was kicking in.

Oh, and remember to also clean out your chimney. We can’t have the big guy hurt himself or get stuck for any length of time. And please do not have a fire going. Santa’s ‘cheeks’ are rosy enough as it is! (according to Mrs. Clause anyway)

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HISTORY NOTE:

When Santa first arrived on our shores he had only two reindeer with him. (hence for that first Christmas he only visited 5 homes – all on the same street.) But, over the years he accumulated more – horsepower? – and found that nine seemed to be just enough to get the job done.

He did have thousands of reindeer apply but only a handful of those applicants could actually fly. Many said they could get high (aha)  but when push came to shove they simply landed on their backsides when leaving a rooftop.

Oh, many other types of animals applied. In point of fact our red-suited fellow did consider acolor_0239_ski_do species known as ‘Google drone’  but found that people thought they were UFO’s (especially near area 51) and felt that they might suddenly be abducted, and rectal-probed. So, he abandoned that idea.

He also found that monkeys just wanted to party all the time and not actually deliver anything to anyone so they too did not make the final cut.

Rest assured though that Santa is on top of his game. He knows if you’ve been good or bad, happy or sad – or just plain ticked off. (having an off-season part-time job with the NSA really helps)  He’s also got all your information stored on the cloud; one that he flies to twice a week to update his files.

color_0134_thawSo, here’s hoping you get (as Bing Crosby sings) a white Christmas. But, unfortunately with global warming it just might be something a touch different. If it gets any warmer Santa may just have to visit your place in a thong as that suit of his is way too bulky and warm. And those reindeer will undoutedly need shades – a la Blues Brothers – to cut down on the glare.

Happy holidays and be Jolly!

At least for a day. Then go back to using your own name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend Me Your Ears!

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There’s obviously no denying we live in a visual world. The eyes absorb all everywhere you look. But, what of our other senses? What are they taking in? Are they being utilized to their fullest? (the other senses being: hearing, smell, taste and touch)

Our potato friend here clearly has needs but is anyone in his immediate vicinity really listening? (that fellow bottom left looks like he’s reading on an i-pad) Maybe if Mr. Head flashed a giant banner or had dancing French fries behind him he would garnish more attention. As it is, he’s virtually invisible.

Most humans strictly rely on their sight – first and foremost – for just about everything, whereascolor_0217_blind_dog a dog, for example,  interprets the world predominantly by sense of smell. Can you imagine relying just on your nose to understand the world around you? A dog’s sense of smell can be as much as 10,000,000 times more sensitive than us human’s. Whoa! (maybe that’s why we – as a species –  started showering daily. Poor Fido couldn’t stand us!)

And, just when was the last time you could smell a friend approaching from six blocks away?

Also, what of hearing? I SAID WHAT OF HEARING! Good, now that I’ve got you listening  try and imagine living in a world without your eyes for a moment.

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I used to work in radio as a producer and ones sense of hearing becomes greatly attuned to the job at hand. They become your eyes. An orchestra conductor, for example,  knows when someone isn’t playing a piece properly, not by sight – as that violinist he’s looking at could be going through the right movements – but rather by sound (the hearing -or not hearing –  of the correct notes.)

 

Our woodsy friend here (hear?) needs a sympathetic and knowledgeable ear to air a certain problem. Whatcolor_0379_tree_noise if the psychiatrist was not listening but instead doing Suduko as our trunk talked?

Our poor tree would then feel like a sap (ling) wouldn’t he?

I always find it interesting to watch how my cat approaches something new. (be it food or a toy for example) She first sees it – true – but then cautiously moves in for a sniff and then a light touch with her paw. If it’s food she’ll then taste it. If it subira and bottlemakes a sudden sound she’ll jump sky high! She rolls through all her senses before deeming things okay. She doesn’t just trust her eyes. (this is her checking out a water bottle while undoing a knot – such talent! Houdini would be proud).

 

So, take a moment and go outside without your cell phone, family, friends, clothes or even your pet. Then simply close your eyes and listen. Let all your other senses bring in the world to you. Listen for sounds. Smell the air. Feel the breeze embrace you.  If it’s snowing stick out your tongue and taste a snowflake. Or try this: take acolor_0218_deep_see_fishing single strawberry for example. Study it with your eyes then roll it between you fingers. Listen to the sound it makes when you rub it. Then bring it close and give it a good sniff before popping it into your mouth. It’s quite an amazing concept really and one we tend to overlook.

Most of us are always in a hurry. We see the strawberry,  pop it in and gone. It looked good but…….

Savour the moment (s) before it’s gone.

Hey, I just had a great idea: I think I’ll make my next post a ‘scratch ‘n’ sniff’ one. I’m so on it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mustard And Boloney Get Cheeky. ‘Butt’ Seriously!

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Our book cover

 

We here at Mustard and Boloney cartoons are not adverse or afraid to show a little ‘skin’ from time-to-time, nor to get down and be a touch ‘cheeky’ every now and then as well. I mean we proudly display a bit on the cover of our latest book entitled: Butt Seriously.

(please, no wisecracks about the humour)

 

And, I know many of you have often wanted to go to work dressed a little more casual than usual; you know, get away from the tired, old, stuffy formal office look. Now not too many of you could show up at work like this color_0341_casual_fridaysand still expect to have a job by days end. As for me, well I can, as I work mostly from home. So, most often I simply sit around all day in the buff and no one cares. Think of me as the character that actor Richard Dreyfuss played in the 1977 film ‘The Goodbye Girl’ (for which he won is only Oscar to date). In the film he is in his bedroom playing the guitar when his roommate (Paula played by Marsha Mason) knocks and asks, “Are you decent?” He says back through the door, “Yes.” She then enters only to find him naked and playing his guitar. She says, “I thought you said you were decent?” He replies, “I am. I also happen to be naked.”

Still, there have been a few interesting ‘moments’ that working at home in the buff has presented me. I remember one time calmly answering the doorbell all the while forgetting I was completely`sans`clothing.  (Those Jehovah’s color_0589_assphaltWitnesses probably won’t be back anytime this century!) They should have just turned the other cheek and simply embraced the moment. I mean, isn’t it written, “But I sayeth to you. That you resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite you on your right cheek, turn to him the also other”).

In hindsight It probably wouldn’t have done them much good because upon leaving my front porch they invariably had to run past my driveway.

And let’s definitely hope those same Jehovah’s Witnesses never ventured far enough to run into another ‘clothing optional’ person. Once in a lifetime is surely enough!color_0101_nada

 

But, If they did I hope they took a selfie. Or, in this case a ‘soulie’.

Back in 1974 streaking was all the craze across North America. People would drop their clothes and streak through a crowded auditorium, wedding ceremony, even at the 46th annual Oscar ceremonies!

Ray Opel actually streaked across the Oscar stage right behind presenter David Niven. The ever-cool Niven barely blinked before casually addressing the audience. He said “Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was almost bound to happen.  But isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?” (see clip here)

color_0130_bare_countryOne more note: The streaking craze was even made more famous by singer Ray Stevens when in 1974 he wrote and recorded  the song the Streak.

Well, I’m a bit tired now and I feel the need for a short vacation. This seems like a nice spot to park my butt. And, with my wife at my side we will certainly be doing a little dancing cheek-to-cheek. (Irving Berlin song from 1935)

Who knows, maybe I’ll bump into our Jehovah’s Witnesses friends here, relaxing (much needed), and listening to Ray Stevens on their i-pod. It’s good to commune and be one with nature, don’t you think?

Butt Seriously!

 

Education, In The First Degree

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There was an interesting movie that I once saw on television; one that made me think allot about education versus experience. The film? It was titled “Teacher’s Pet”. Made in 1958, it starred Clark Gable, Doris Day and Gig Young. I remember seeing it before I went into university. The one line from the film that stuck with me was, “Education is the horse; experience, the jockey.”

Nowadays, it seems that just about everyone needs a degree in something just to get into any entry level position with a company. No longer can you not even obtain a high school education and still manage to find work. Everything seems so highly skilled in today’s market. And, of course, you must attend the best schools! (whatever they may be.) But, education is increasing unaffordable for all, and sometimes the professors they color_0296_hannibalhire at these institutions leave much to be desired.

 

I feel that quality education is the one thing that should be provided to all for free. Knowledge opens up more doors than it closes. Sure, they have been success stories of those who have not finished a so-called ‘formal education’. Some notable people include: Steve Jobs (Apple), Bill Gates (Microsoft), David Karp (creator of Tumblr), Richard Branson (CEO of Virgin), Quentin Tarantino (writer/director of Reservoir Dogs), and Peter Jackson (writer/director of ‘Lord Of The Rings’ trilogy).

 

This is not to say that one can’t go back to school at a later time should one wish. I myself started university when I was 29 years old. I had worked for many years in radio but felt I needed a change. Sure it may be daunting to return – as high school was so long ago –  but exciting at the same time!

Campus life is also an interesting one. You’ll certainly meet interesting people, engage in new ideas with professors, and ponder some of life’s larger questions with peers. Questions such as: ‘Why do hotdogs color_0342_picome in a pack of 12 while the buns only come in a pack of 8?’. (course needed to decipher answer: ‘Rocket Science’.)

Or: why does the mother of Honey Boo Boo date a man of such dubious credentials? (course needed: psychology 101, 201, 301 and so on -including a masters)

Or ‘what does this cartoon actually mean?’ (course needed: all of them!)

 

 

color_0329_clown_graduation So, no matter what your choice of school is try to keep it fun. Learning should not be dry and boring but alive and electric!

And, if it’s not exciting and informative then I suggest you dress up like these fellows and walk into class. Sure you’ll make heads turn but once you’ve mastered the art of ‘pie throwing’ or ‘wearing that false nose’ they will all envy and respect you.  If they don’t then pour seltzer water down the professor’s pants. This will at least get you noticed and possibly put on the ‘dean’s list’. And, from there, well…who knows! Is doesn’t matter when you start your educational journey just so long as you start. So climb that horse and take charge!

“Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world”

Nelson Mandela

 

 

 

 

 

The Devil Made Me Write This.

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“The Devil made me do it!” became a national catch phrase in the 1970s thanks to Flip Wilson. This great stand-up comedian – whose television show I used to watch weekly – oftentimes dressed up as his alter ego ‘Geraldine’. And the above phrase along with one of his (her) other favourite lines, “The Devil made me buy this dress!” always proved hysterically funny when ‘Flip’ said them on his show.  (In fact he won a grammy award for his album ‘The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress.’)

Yes, I’m sure we all know the story of Lucifer, but what we don’t know is just how big a settlement he received – and, whom did he in fact receive it from? (I mean a fall like the one he undertook probably was worth plenty; more than an amount paid out for just slipping on ice I would venture to say.)

Of course his lawyer(s) probably would have eaten away much – if not all – of at that amount for services rendered throughout the endless centuries, until there probably wasn’t even enough left for our ‘Prince of Darkness’ to buy clothes, food,  and suitable lodgings.

Does the Devil blame anyone in particular for his lot in life?

Possibly.

Does the Devil sit around and watch Fox news all day?

Maybe.

Does the Devil think of myriad ways to ‘upgrade’ his status in the world and get more ‘likes’ on his Facebook page?

Probably.

 

A great film called ‘The Exorcist’ (1973) starred a very young actress named Linda Blair, who in the film was supposedly possessed by the Devil. I remember watching that film and thinking, “Mnnnn. If the Devil likes it so hot all the time (at least my understanding) then why does he make her room so cold?”  Could he have grossly miscalculated on his conversion to Celsius?  (Maybe learning the metric system would make him a much happier Devil.) Or, does he have an undiagnosed thyroid problem? (In which case a few medications would be just the answer.)

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And, as a much happier Devil his health might improve.

With improvement comes a better frame of mind, and possibly inner peace.

Who knows, the Devil then might just move to a city and open up a ‘yoga’ sanctuary. (who really know who started the ‘bikram’ trend anyway?)

Odd, I was going to write a post about a completely unrelated matter but as I sat down to compose my fingers typed out this. Why? The Devil made me do it! (I’ve just gotta stop playing that record, as well as take a moment to turn down the thermostat a wee bit).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fries Or Salad. Which One Shall It Be?

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As I get older I tend to look back on some of the choices that I’ve made in the past. (did I really want fries with that? Should I have gone with salad? Or would I have been happy enough with just the burger? ) Is it the same for everyone as you age? What might the outcome of something had been if I’d chosen a completely different menu path? (I’d probably not be as heavy if only I had of avoided those tasty fries; thank heavens for Lipitor) Have I ‘evolved’ or simply gone along for the ride?

Someone once said to me that he was an expert in his chosen field because he had twenty years experience on the job (and with the same company).

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I was suitably impressed then sat and thought more about that statement a bit. (while I ate a few fries) What was he really saying? Was it, “I have twenty years experience on the job” or rather, “I have one years experience twenty times.” Had he ‘evolved’ or just remained relatively the same?

 

 

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Perhaps that is a question that can only be answered by a higher authority than I.

Perhaps there is no ‘right’ answer; only lefts.

Perhaps every bone is connected, and it doesn’t matter what road you take so long as you don’t fall over a rock (or untied shoelace) and break any of them.

 

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Maybe I need to make a list of things that had circumstances been different I might have done.

Maybe I need to actually ‘do’ some of those things on that list. Experience them fully without bumping into..well, you know..the guy in the  dark robe.

Maybe I need to ‘walk the walk’ and not’ talk the talk’.

Maybe I should check my thesaurus and find another word (s)  to use instead of ‘maybe’ all the time.

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Life is definitely full of multiple choices.

You say ‘tomato; I say ‘tomahto’. You say ‘potato’; I say ‘potahto’.

Everything is relative.

And, speaking of relatives, I wonder what this fish did evolve in to? (maybe me) But, it would have stayed the same had it not left the security of the pond.

So, is it time for a change? Are you ready to leave the warm waters of ‘same old, same old’?

If so, then I humbly suggest you take along some scuba gear. You may occasionally  wish to return to your humble beginnings for a bit of familiarity from time-to-time, and to visit those whose road was not as dry and traveled as yours.

 

Back To School Blues. Or Greens. Or Reds. But Purple?

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color_0301_circlesWell, for most everyone I know that has children last week was indeed a hectic one. Why? Well, back to school of course! Gone are the days of loafing in the park staring up at the clouds,  or taking in a extra inning ballgame. Now, there were lunches to prepare, supplies to be bought, clothes to be checked for fit and fashion, and for the wee ones, a little extra reassurance that the school they had yet to attend would not swallow them up, and they would indeed safely return home later that same day.

 

When I was a child I often felt a bit awkward in school because of our families past. It made making friends difficult and I was never allowed anyone over to the house. color_0122_witlessBut, I still always enjoyed school. When talk of college came up (and which new town we needed to move to) my parents were very liberal and decided no ordinary college was right for me.

color_0329_clown_graduationThey assumed (mistakenly) that a B Sc (Bachelor of Studying Clowns) would lead to a very prominent job, as those initials were written into all the want adds of the time as a requirement.

So, off I went – in face paint and baggy pants – and happily completed the highly prestigious 3 year program (in just under 7 years!). I graduated ‘Magnum Cum Louder’ as my clothes were outragiously gregarious, my voice loud , and the hair shockingly….purple!!!!

I definitely stood out (at least that’s what the first 95 employers that interviewed me said)

Some told me my skills were outdated (court jesters faded out centuries ago one implied), while others suggested my degree wasn’t worth the macaroni it was printed on.

color_0423_frenchfriesSo, I went back to school to upgrade and perhaps learn a second language. (I was the only one to graduate this class because I ended up eating all of the other students. They went well with my burger)

 

Upon graduation – again – I still had no luck in finding work. It seems no on wanted a bilingual clown. (at least not outside government)

 

So, shifting gears, I entered automotive college but was expelled (driven out?) as every time we crashed into the wall I left face paint on the windshield (that took forever to wash off.) Also, they said that my baggy pants acted way too much like a natural airbag and defeated the purposes of many of their tests. (They should have mentioned all of the this before I had gotten those weird symbols tattooed on both sides of my head)

color_0129_campus_dummy (a fellow classmate instagrammed me this photo of their graduation.)

So, what was a comedic person with numerous degrees to do? Well, I was fortunate enough to bump into another like-minded (heavily degree-tattoo laiden) clown by the name of Alexandre Rouillard.

(see ‘Our story’)

Together, we decided to open this virtual diner; one stocked with fresh jokes, tasty asides, and generous portions. We offer an interesting asylum to experience the usual events of life, unusually.

Bon appetit!

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Our cartoon book stirs up interesting old memories. Seriously.

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cover_HDSales of our new cartoon book ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well. Thanks to all who have bought so far!  (and to those that haven’t yet purchased I say “afraid of getting a little laughing gas?”)  Quite frankly, when hungry for humor it’s best to eat a page a day from our book. (it’s also a great source of much needed roughage as well)

Also, thanks to those that have sent us photos of the books travels. Keep those pictures coming!

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Interestingly, in my mail the other day I received this note from Kathleen, who resides in Massachusetts. She wrote,

“Hi Jeff. Loved the book!! Especially liked the bank teller joke. I got fired from a teller position in a bank once. One of the reasons was that I commented on the lack of hair (male) of a customer. He pouted and went to the bank manager and complained!”

Now, my first question upon reading her story was “Is that customer Mr. Potato head, and why so sensitive?”

And, my second question is, “What are the other reasons?”

Maybe she just didn’t fit in?  color_0297_round_hole

Or, took things a bit too literal in the workplace.

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Well, whatever the reasons. we here at Mustard and Boloney wish her all the best in her new position as inmate 261238. (Guaranteed work for at least 8-10 years, and cannot be fired or let go for any reason whatsoever……now that’s job security!)

Embezzlement, it seems, is a  huge cut above mentioning a customer has no hair. And, so is forgery for that matter. Ditto: insider trading.

Oh, and thanks Kathleen for the new license plates. I just love that their personalized too! (MBGR8FUN)

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