Category Archives: nature

‘Tis The Season To Be Jolly!

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‘Tis the season to be Jolly! (and for those of you who are not named Jolly, what were your parents thinking anyway?)  Although with a name like Frank, Joan or Samuel I hope you can still have somewhat of a reasonably good time as Christmas is definitely near. (I think it falls on the 25th this year if I’m not mistaken).

And, let’s hope when Santa does drop by your place he leaves more than just this ‘Elfie’ card under your tree.

(note: Santa is lactose intolerant so maybe leave out some almond milk with those – did I mention gluten free? – cookies.)

As well, when you write Santa you may want to include directions to your home because with cutbacks being the way there are he may not make it. Sure, he may have GPS but visiting the entire world on a single battery charge is risky; very risky indeed. At least when he had Rudolph he could slip him a Red Bull or something if fatigue was kicking in.

Oh, and remember to also clean out your chimney. We can’t have the big guy hurt himself or get stuck for any length of time. And please do not have a fire going. Santa’s ‘cheeks’ are rosy enough as it is! (according to Mrs. Clause anyway)

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HISTORY NOTE:

When Santa first arrived on our shores he had only two reindeer with him. (hence for that first Christmas he only visited 5 homes – all on the same street.) But, over the years he accumulated more – horsepower? – and found that nine seemed to be just enough to get the job done.

He did have thousands of reindeer apply but only a handful of those applicants could actually fly. Many said they could get high (aha)  but when push came to shove they simply landed on their backsides when leaving a rooftop.

Oh, many other types of animals applied. In point of fact our red-suited fellow did consider acolor_0239_ski_do species known as ‘Google drone’  but found that people thought they were UFO’s (especially near area 51) and felt that they might suddenly be abducted, and rectal-probed. So, he abandoned that idea.

He also found that monkeys just wanted to party all the time and not actually deliver anything to anyone so they too did not make the final cut.

Rest assured though that Santa is on top of his game. He knows if you’ve been good or bad, happy or sad – or just plain ticked off. (having an off-season part-time job with the NSA really helps)  He’s also got all your information stored on the cloud; one that he flies to twice a week to update his files.

color_0134_thawSo, here’s hoping you get (as Bing Crosby sings) a white Christmas. But, unfortunately with global warming it just might be something a touch different. If it gets any warmer Santa may just have to visit your place in a thong as that suit of his is way too bulky and warm. And those reindeer will undoutedly need shades – a la Blues Brothers – to cut down on the glare.

Happy holidays and be Jolly!

At least for a day. Then go back to using your own name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Comes Next After…..Ah, Well…… You Know?

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DEATH. Now there’s an attention grabber if I ever wrote one. It’s a fascinating subject and people throughout the ages have often wondered what exactly comes next.

Take this fellow here who clearly feels very optimistic about his afterlife. His idea of heaven definitely involves taking in all those network pay-per-view programs, (ones he could never afford while alive) now for free! And unlimited!! (I’m sure God has access to everything – including HBO and his streaming speeds must be out of this world!) The guy in the coffin can now relax and watch ‘The Walking Dead’ he’s heard so much about. (It would probably royally screw up his day if he  – in fact – turned into said Zombie or went to Hell).

As for me I feel that once it’s over, it’s over. So you’d better enjoy it now while you can.

Why do they call ‘him’ the Grim reaper anyway? It’s not like we ever see his face hidden inside that robe of his. Maybe he’s a happy sort who has things to do just like the rest of us. His job just happens to be a little different, agreed, but hey, somebody’s got to do it. Right? (at least with that robe on he won’t need strength 50 sunblock. We wouldn’t want his bones to be tanned now would we? And, I’m sure he’s wearing a thong under there. Just saying.)

Interestingly in 1934 a film was made entitled: ‘Death Takes A Holiday’. It starred Frederick March (an excellent actor) as the ‘Grim Reaper’ himself. The premise of the picture was that he (Devil) takes on human form for a few days to walk amongst the living to find out why they fear him and dying so much. Duh. He needn’t have gone to all that trouble. He should have simply gotten a paying  job at the NSA and taken it from there.

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Friends? Well, I’d say he has a few at least, although I doubt they serf. (Here they’re enjoying a few brews and discussing how a turkey like ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ ever got made.)

 

When I go I want it to be a joyous occasion; one not marred by the fact I’ll never write another noteworthy or humourous post again. (some readers are probably praying for that right now).

As Woody Allen says, ‘I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.”

I say just pack me in water when my time comes! We began in the sea and back to the sea we go. (although, I can’t swim so I’m liable to drown, again)

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Actually when an environmentalist such as myself does eventually go I’ve asked for an eco-friendly burial. This is where you are simply placed into a sack (no chemicals added – especially aspartame) and buried in the forest. Instead of a marker, wildflowers are planted.

Oh, and make sure the remote control is tossed in with me.(it’s in my will)  I wouldn’t want to miss an important game.

As Bill Shankly so aptly said, “Some people think football is a matter of life and death. It’s much more serious than that.”

You think?

 

Friends, Romans, Countrymen. Lend Me Your Ears!

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There’s obviously no denying we live in a visual world. The eyes absorb all everywhere you look. But, what of our other senses? What are they taking in? Are they being utilized to their fullest? (the other senses being: hearing, smell, taste and touch)

Our potato friend here clearly has needs but is anyone in his immediate vicinity really listening? (that fellow bottom left looks like he’s reading on an i-pad) Maybe if Mr. Head flashed a giant banner or had dancing French fries behind him he would garnish more attention. As it is, he’s virtually invisible.

Most humans strictly rely on their sight – first and foremost – for just about everything, whereascolor_0217_blind_dog a dog, for example,  interprets the world predominantly by sense of smell. Can you imagine relying just on your nose to understand the world around you? A dog’s sense of smell can be as much as 10,000,000 times more sensitive than us human’s. Whoa! (maybe that’s why we – as a species –  started showering daily. Poor Fido couldn’t stand us!)

And, just when was the last time you could smell a friend approaching from six blocks away?

Also, what of hearing? I SAID WHAT OF HEARING! Good, now that I’ve got you listening  try and imagine living in a world without your eyes for a moment.

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I used to work in radio as a producer and ones sense of hearing becomes greatly attuned to the job at hand. They become your eyes. An orchestra conductor, for example,  knows when someone isn’t playing a piece properly, not by sight – as that violinist he’s looking at could be going through the right movements – but rather by sound (the hearing -or not hearing –  of the correct notes.)

 

Our woodsy friend here (hear?) needs a sympathetic and knowledgeable ear to air a certain problem. Whatcolor_0379_tree_noise if the psychiatrist was not listening but instead doing Suduko as our trunk talked?

Our poor tree would then feel like a sap (ling) wouldn’t he?

I always find it interesting to watch how my cat approaches something new. (be it food or a toy for example) She first sees it – true – but then cautiously moves in for a sniff and then a light touch with her paw. If it’s food she’ll then taste it. If it subira and bottlemakes a sudden sound she’ll jump sky high! She rolls through all her senses before deeming things okay. She doesn’t just trust her eyes. (this is her checking out a water bottle while undoing a knot – such talent! Houdini would be proud).

 

So, take a moment and go outside without your cell phone, family, friends, clothes or even your pet. Then simply close your eyes and listen. Let all your other senses bring in the world to you. Listen for sounds. Smell the air. Feel the breeze embrace you.  If it’s snowing stick out your tongue and taste a snowflake. Or try this: take acolor_0218_deep_see_fishing single strawberry for example. Study it with your eyes then roll it between you fingers. Listen to the sound it makes when you rub it. Then bring it close and give it a good sniff before popping it into your mouth. It’s quite an amazing concept really and one we tend to overlook.

Most of us are always in a hurry. We see the strawberry,  pop it in and gone. It looked good but…….

Savour the moment (s) before it’s gone.

Hey, I just had a great idea: I think I’ll make my next post a ‘scratch ‘n’ sniff’ one. I’m so on it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which Came First. The Chicken Or The Egg?

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Being a cartoonist is a lot of fun and I enjoy making people smile, roar out loud, or just plain howl at the moon with laughter. But, I am often asked which comes first: the idea (captions etc.) or the drawing? In other words which comes first: the chicken or the egg?

I like to think that all depends on the surface. If it is a downhill race then definitely the egg will come first. But, rather, if it is an uphill course or on level playing field then I’m afraid our poor egg will always be second to the swift – and possibly tasty – chicken.

All kidding aside I imagine that all depends on the cartoonist. Mustard and Boloney cartoonscolor_0131_barnyard are not just created by one individual. I (Mustard) tend to come up with the ideas, captions etc. and then type them out. Then, cartoonist extraordinaire Alexandre Rouillard (Boloney)  takes those bare bones, bits of flesh and hair, and turns them into a full-fledged up-right human. His talent for turning scant bits of verbal information into a single panel of pure gold is amazing!

At times we need a little back and forth (maybe I change the line now that I see it drawn or perhaps it needs a slight visual tweak) before you have a finished cartoon. But, not that often!!

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Dan Piraro (creator of Bizarro) who wrote the forward to our latest book ‘Butt Seriously’  has this to say about Alexandre’s artistry: “The art in this book speaks for itself. It is a perfect balance or realism and exaggeration, humour and pathos, in a style that harkens back to the golden age of Playboy, but without the tits. Rouillard has mastered something that takes even the most talented cartoonists years to achieve.”

Actually, working with Alexandre involves another interesting twist: we don’t even live in the same city! He lives in Montreal and I live in Toronto. (we are about an 8 hour drive apart)

But, with modern technology that problem is easily overcome. Can you imagine if we were color_0266_ben_hurcartoonists back in the days of imperial Rome? I would create the idea then write it out with a quill pen before mailing it. Months later when it arrived at Alexandres, he would open it – laugh of course – and proceed to draw. Then he would send it back to me for possible tweaking. Then back to him for the changes. So, at that rate we would probably have done one – maybe two –  cartoons a year! The world needs our humour faster than that!! (Caesar might not have been stabbed by so many had they all had a little more humour in their lives.)

So, if you’d like a joke a day – one containing all of your comedic calories minus the salt – then look no further than our Mustard and Boloney diner. You could also purchase a copy of our latest book here and enjoy its contents over a plate of fried eggs or chicken, depending on who lost the race.

Bon appetit!

Mustard And Boloney T-Shirts Now Available. Seriously.

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Good news for all of you comedic lovers out there who wear clothes (and for the ones that don’t we can tattoo the design right onto your chest). Mustard and Boloney now has t-shirts available for sale. That’s right!

These all white mens and women’s t-shirts come in sizes ranging from small to extra, extra-large. And the design is definitely one that will surely attract attention. (especially for all those nudists if it is tattooed onto their chest)

The design is the Statue of Liberty’s aromatic underarm; one about to be wiped fresh with antiperspirants.  A classic!

(actually, if you check on our website here you can see an animation of this particular cartoon; one complete with sound-effects)

With Christmas slowly creeping up now is a great time to order several for friends and family. Maybe even get an extra one for old St. Nicholas. (much better than leaving cookies and milk. Imustard-and-liberty--WOMEN-TEE mean, what if Santa is lactose and gluten intolerant? What then? We can’t have poor Santa cramping and passing wind in each house he’s visiting now can we?)

There is certainly no better way to impress his reindeer – or Mrs. Claus – than to be seen wearing a Mustard and Boloney original t-shirt under his red suit.

 

So, order yours (and his)  – right here – today!

(Oh, and try not to spill any Mustard on it.)

 

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Mustard And Boloney Cartoons In An Art Gallery!

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Exciting news!  Several Mustard and Boloney cartoons will be shown in an art gallery. That’s right! We were asked to be part of a show featuring black/white art, so we printed up several large versions of some of our cartoons (in black and white of course)  and had them framed.  The prints are hand-signed by both Alexandre and myself. We are the only cartoonists to be invited to this particular show.  Who knows, maybe Lady Gaga 0217_blind_dogwill stop in and buy one or two prints. (she may even end up wearing them at some point. Earrings?)

 

Here’s an example of one of the pictures we’ve had framed for the show. (the size  is 20 1/2 x 20 1/2 inches)

 

 

 

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And, here’s another that looks great blown up and mounted under glass. (also 20 1/2 x 20 1/2 inches)

 

 

For those of you who live in the Toronto area here are the particulars of where the show is being held, and the date.

 

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October 29th – November 4th

Ben Navaee Gallery

1107 Queen Street East

Toronto, Ontario.

416-466-3996

Opening Reception takes place November 1st, 6:30 – 8:30 p.m.

It’s for one week only so your window to view -and perhaps purchase – them is short. I will be at the Saturday night gala (minus the chef’s hat but probably wearing my shoes made of boloney) from 6:30-8:30. Hope to see you all there!

 

Fries Or Salad. Which One Shall It Be?

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As I get older I tend to look back on some of the choices that I’ve made in the past. (did I really want fries with that? Should I have gone with salad? Or would I have been happy enough with just the burger? ) Is it the same for everyone as you age? What might the outcome of something had been if I’d chosen a completely different menu path? (I’d probably not be as heavy if only I had of avoided those tasty fries; thank heavens for Lipitor) Have I ‘evolved’ or simply gone along for the ride?

Someone once said to me that he was an expert in his chosen field because he had twenty years experience on the job (and with the same company).

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I was suitably impressed then sat and thought more about that statement a bit. (while I ate a few fries) What was he really saying? Was it, “I have twenty years experience on the job” or rather, “I have one years experience twenty times.” Had he ‘evolved’ or just remained relatively the same?

 

 

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Perhaps that is a question that can only be answered by a higher authority than I.

Perhaps there is no ‘right’ answer; only lefts.

Perhaps every bone is connected, and it doesn’t matter what road you take so long as you don’t fall over a rock (or untied shoelace) and break any of them.

 

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Maybe I need to make a list of things that had circumstances been different I might have done.

Maybe I need to actually ‘do’ some of those things on that list. Experience them fully without bumping into..well, you know..the guy in the  dark robe.

Maybe I need to ‘walk the walk’ and not’ talk the talk’.

Maybe I should check my thesaurus and find another word (s)  to use instead of ‘maybe’ all the time.

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Life is definitely full of multiple choices.

You say ‘tomato; I say ‘tomahto’. You say ‘potato’; I say ‘potahto’.

Everything is relative.

And, speaking of relatives, I wonder what this fish did evolve in to? (maybe me) But, it would have stayed the same had it not left the security of the pond.

So, is it time for a change? Are you ready to leave the warm waters of ‘same old, same old’?

If so, then I humbly suggest you take along some scuba gear. You may occasionally  wish to return to your humble beginnings for a bit of familiarity from time-to-time, and to visit those whose road was not as dry and traveled as yours.

 

Feeling Low? Then Hit That Reset Button!

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Sales of our new cartoon book entitled: ‘Butt Seriously’ have been going very well, and I’d like to thank all who have purchased thus far. And for those that haven’t yet managed to order a copy I say, why wait? Life’s too short not to have a good laugh. Comedy lifts the spirit, eases the tension and generally improves ones mood. (to keep me happy, as I write this my cat (Subira) is under the desk tickling my bare feet with a feather)

 

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Why wait until you’re on the other side to be happy, upbeat and brimming with life!

If you can’t stand the heat then for heavens sakes, sit.

(and read our book)

If the rat race is getting to you then I say stop wearing pants made of cheese.

(and read our book)

If the grass seems greener on the other side of the fence then buy both houses and tear down that fence!

(and then read our book on two porches, which translates into two sales for me)

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Sure, there are many situations in life that can get you down. Things like:  your girl friend leaving you; you’re dog getting run over; Netflix raising their prices; Kim Kardashian doing Shakespeare in the park or a plague of locusts raining down upon you and your loved ones. (although for us city dwellers it would be more like raccoons than insects).

Remember, when life hands you lemons you’re supposed to make lemonade, right?

 

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So get up off of that couch, throw open your windows and yell, “Who wants to buy some fresh hand-squeezed lemonade?” at the top of your lungs. Get it out there!!

Then quietly listen. If you hear police sirens approaching then you might have slightly overdid it a bit. If you hear neighbours yelling numerous obscenities at you simply remind them that you had nothing better to do at three in the morning anyway so why not make a tart drink for all?

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But, if you hear that dreaded ambulance siren off in the distance inching ever closer then, well, you might want to pack an overnight bag (one containing a copy of our book ‘Butt Seriously’ of course) and your lawyer’s phone number.

 

 

 

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So remember, laughter is the best medicine for what ails you. Simply get a copy of our book (here) and when hungry for humour eat a page – or two – from it a day. It’s a great source of much needed roughage as well!

By doing so you’ll soon find yourself out in the forest serenading all your friends with a tune or two.

(and isn’t that better than singing the blues alone, drinking lemonade?)

Bon appetit!

 

 

Our Book ‘Butt Seriously’ Is On The Move Again. Seriously.

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A few posts back I wrote about how a purchaser of our latest book entitled ‘ Butt Seriously’ took it and traveled all around Amsterdam taking pictures, and then sent me the photos. Well, I just received new pictures from another satisfied buyer by the name of Sandy, showing our new book travelling around Montreal in Quebec. Seriously!!

 

Here it is in front of their Olympic stadium. Perhaps after a breakfast of champions our humorous panels will be ready to run in the 400 meters against Usain Bolt. And, we may even

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Gold medal win for ‘Butt Seriously’. Yes!!

 

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Our book in this photo seems content to just gaze out over the city, basking in the warming sun. (let’s hope it has on plenty of sunblock. Don’t want the ‘Butt’ to get burned. Seriously)

Note: This is the back cover of the book. Here’s what it looks like a little bigger.

 

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Yes, those are our caricatures. I, on the left, have been told I look like Sir Richard Branson. And, Alexandre, on the right, has been told that I look like Sir Richard Branson.

(Alexandre always wears copious amounts of sunblock on his head so as not to burn his creative brain)

 

 

 

 

Here we have an interesting photo. It looks as though our book has been pumping iron, and has bulked up considerably. It’s almost as big as that statue in the back!

Note: No banned substances or prohibited steroids were used in the making of this book.

 

 

 

Not all pictures of the book were taken outside.

Here, it’s quietly resting inside – after a busy day on the track – next to Sandy’s dog Ziggy.

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Note: This picture must have been taken just as the book arrived and had not been read yet, because if it had been studied then Ziggy would be smiling, waging his tail, and showing us teeth of laughter.

Actually, just seeing the cover of ‘Butt Seriously’ inspired this pooch to go and immediately make a boloney sandwich.

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One with plenty of Mustard of course!

Bon appetit.

Or, in this rare case,

Bone appetit!

 

Keep those photos coming!! We love to hear – and see – where our book has been. Seriously.